no one will read this

Sham WOW

2008-11-06T07:12:00.002-07:00

Have you seen this commercial? Does it make you as crazy as it makes me? Do you want to grab the nearest item and hurl it at the TV each and every time it comes on?

I see this commercial EVERY night. Yes, you read that correctly. EVERY.STINKING.NIGHT. Mr. Twench and I watch the same television show every night, and each night without fail, between 6:30 and 6:45 the Sham Wow guy appears. I'm not alone in my disdain Mr. Twench usually lets out a large groan before I do. On rare occasions he's late and appears after 6:45. On these evenings at 6:46 we glance at one another almost afraid to say it. Could it be? Is it possible he has finally stopped purchasing air time? Could we be that lucky? He usually appears before we have a chance to do a victory dance around the living room. He's like a bad penny this guy, he just keeps showing up.

Here's the thing. I actually am intrigued by the product. Yes, I'm hanging my head in shame. If the product does what they claim it does, and I realize it's a far reach, it would be a great item to have around the house. Sadly, I will never find out if the product does what they say because there is no way in hell I will evah buy one. I refuse to by a product that is hawked by the idiot on the commercial.

First of all, please explain to me why he has that stupid headset on. Is he personally taking all the calls that come in to order the product? Is he so important that he can't be away from a phone for the 90 seconds that he is filming the commercial? Or is the headset some sort of microphone? Perhaps he is unaware that he doesn't have to yell at me. My television is equipped with volume control, and unlike Mr. Twench, I actually know how to use the remote control thank you very much!

The next problem is his voice. I don't know about you, but as soon as he starts talking the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. I can't quite put my finger on why that is. I'll have to watch the commercial another 232 times to see if I can determine exactly what the problem is.

One of the things that bugs me the most is his used car salesman attitude. If in fact this product does all that he says it does, why does he have to push so hard? If the product is that great, word of mouth will see to it that sales rise rapidly. Every time he starts in all I can think of are those commercials of yesteryear. It slices, it dices, it chops! Guess what? I got sucked into that one many years ago and you know what? It does not slice, it does not dice, it does not chop. It mashes anything and everything to unrecognizable paste and is impossible to clean.

Last night at approximately 6:39 when, once again, the commercial appeared, we both let out the obligatory groan, looked at the clock, and said "yep, he's right on time!" As we sat there, listening to the spiel for the millionth, time I realized something. Every night,every.single.night he says the same thing. "We can't make this offer every day so call now"

THUD

Ummmmmmmm clearly that's a lie. He DOES make the offer every day and has done so for the past 6 friggin months! I admit, with great shame, that the first few times he said it I did feel a small sense of urgency. Those first few times, annoying voice aside, I actually considered purchasing the Sham Wow, and well, if I was going to purchase it anyway I wanted to get in on the great two for one deal. And clearly THAT was not an offer that could be made everyday! Liah, liah pance on fire!

I could do a few things to avoid this commerical in the future. I could find a new show to watch at 6pm, I could invest in Tivo and fast forward him into oblivion, or I could use those 90 seconds to freshen my drink or to go check on dinnah. I will do none of the above. Why you ask? I refuse to let this guy intimidate me into altering my schedule. I will continue to sit through these 90 seconds of hell each night knowing, that one day, the people of America will band together and their voices will be heard. We will let it be known that we've had enough and we are ready for change and idiot boy will no longer purchase air time. He will fade into oblivion with the rest of the infomercial floks.

It can happen! Oh yes it can.

We have too much

2008-10-19T06:27:00.002-07:00

stuff. As a nation we have too much stuff and it would seem we have no place to put it.

I was driving down the road yesterday on my way to visit some friends. It's a road that I don't travel often and I noticed a big sign for a storage facility. It would have been hard to miss this sight seeing as it was 200 feet high with flashing neon. I suppose in some places a sign like that wouldn't stand out, but on a long country road it's pretty hard to miss.

I started thinking about all of the self-storage places that I see. When I started counting in mah head I realized that I know of probably 6 or 7. The one that I just saw yesterday is located in the town next to me which has about as many residents as my town. 6000ish. So I started thinking about it. Who the hell rents all of these places and what the heck are they putting in there?

Most floks live someplace, a house, an apartment or a condo. So my question then becomes, if you live someplace, why aren't you keeping your stuff where you live? The obvious answer, at least to me, is that you don't have enough room where you live to store all of your stuff. Yanno what? If you don't have room where you live for all of your stuff then you just have way to much stuff!

I understand the need to have some storage places. Perhaps you're moving and you need one for the short term. Maybe some relatives have passed away and you had to clean out their home. You might decide to take all the stuff and put it in storage until you decide what to do with it. That would account for maybe one storage place for thousands of people. It seems to me that storage places have become the new Dunkin Donuts. There's one on every corner.

I imagine that someone will say "it's stuff I'm not using but I might" Pfffftttt. I would lay down a fiver that people have stuff in storage facilities that hasn't seen the light of day for months. It's not like running to the basement or the garage to drag out the bread machine for Sunday dinner. You're not going to get in your car, see the attendant, get the key and then wade through boxes to dig out the bread machine. So why the hell are you keeping it, and why on earth would PAY to keep it?

I'm not a minimalist by any means. I like stuff and I have stuff but for the most part, I use the stuff I have. When I no longer use it then it's time to get rid of it. I rarely, if evah, form emotional attachments to stuff. I have no problem going through things periodically and getting rid of the things that I no longer find useful.

Mr. Twench and I don't share the same view in this matter. Mr. Twench would happily keep every piece of stuff he evah owned. Because, well, he might use it one day. We've had to lay down a few rules to avoid having to much stuff. We have a full sized basement and a double garage. Guess what? If the stuff you want doesn't fit nicely in one of those places then you need to get rid of something to make room.

You know that nice new chain saw Mr. Twench just purchased? It was purchased because the old chain saw just doesn't work well anymore. If you're lucky enough to get it started, the chances are that half way through your mission, the chain will fall off rendering it useless. I'm the kind of person who would come home with the new chain saw and immediately throw out the old one. I see no point in keeping stuff that doesn't work. Guess where the old chain saw is?

Yes, you guessed correctly it's in the garage. Why? Simple! One day Mr. Twench may tinker with it and make it work again. Or maybe in year or two the new chainsaw will break down and he'll get the broken part off of the old chainsaw. Or maybe.......................... yeah, you get the idea.

I've decided I'm going to dress up as a character in the Texas Chainsaw murders for Halloween. The best part of my costume will be the old chainsaw. I suspect that I may accidentally leave my prop at the party we attend.

It's either that or we'll have to rent a storage facility for it.

Men shop too

2008-10-11T04:53:00.003-07:00

I had occasion to visit Home Depot with Mr. Twench the othah day. I don't particularly care for visits to Home Depot. It takes far too long to stroll up and down all those aisles ooohhhhing and aahhhing. I have come to the conclusion that Home Depot is to Mr. Twench what the Nine West Shoe Outlet is to me. Heaven. He gets an extra little bounce in his step just walking through the door. Me, I cringe because I know that even if we're there to purchase a battery it's going to take some time. One doesn't visit Home Depot without perusing ALL the aisles. It simply isn't done. At least not in my honey's world.

We were actually there to purchase a new chain saw. Which, apparently, is not a purchase to be taken lightly people! There's gas or electric, there are 14" to 21" and different chains and.....well, you get the picture. It is not a stock item one simply grabs off the shelf. There are serious decisions to be made and many things to consider. Who knew! To be truthful I went to make sure that he actually did purchase a new one. I refuse to go through anuthah wintah listening to him be aggravated because the chain saw won't start. He's a man, he likes tools, we heat with wood often. He needs the proper equipment! After all this time together I know the man. He would have come home proclaiming "I'm going to look on line at Loew's too and then I'll decide" Then it would have resulted in yet anuthah trip to Home Depot to actually purchase one. I decided to cut out that step.

Now don't get me wrong I'm really not poking fun at him. I just know how his mind works. The fact of the matter is I completely understand it. I'm the same way with shoes. It can take a couple of outings to various shoe stores to find just the right pair of black boots and in the end I'll probably end up purchasing the first pair I saw. Mr. Twench and I are soul mates that way.

Once he finally decided on a chain saw, which by the way is an hour of my life I'll nevah get back, it was time to hit the lighting department. Mem, aka Mr. Twench's muthah, was in need of some new fluorescent light delios. We were there visiting and we took out the ones that were burnt out so we could replace them. We had one in the car to make sure we purchased the correct replacement but of course in all of the chain saw excitement we forgot to bring it in. I will say this about Home Depot, there is no shortage of choices! They have every length of bulb, every wattage, and 3 brands. Lordy the choices! As we stood in front of the display trying to remembah exactly what length to get Mr. Twench grabbed one proclaiming "this is it". No honey, that's too long! "nuh uh, this is the one, I looked at it this morning before we came in"

We hemmed and hawed and finally decided we'd get the one he chose and check it when we got back to the car. Worst case scenario it would be wrong and we could just go right back in. Yep, you guessed it. We had to go back in because we got one that was too long. Luckily for us Home Depot has a pretty speedy return desk. Once we retrieved the correct one, yes we brought the old one in this time, it was back to check out land for us.

Seeing as we had just been through the check out line 10 minutes before the woman remembered us and gave us the little raised eye brow. "oh, did you forget something?" My response "no, we got the wrong light bulb, it was too long, men always over estimate length" With those cement walls and high ceilings laughter really echoes in there.

Now I have to go gas up the car in case we need a quick trip to the ER. Mr. Twench is going to play with his new toy today.

I don't usually

2008-10-07T04:36:00.002-07:00

blog about politics but lord have mercy so much material so little time.

Who is this woman they keep parading around? Is this really who we want in the White House as the FIRST female VP? She certainly won't get my vote. Doncha know.

One of the things that really bothers me the most is her public speaking abilities. Now I realize that probably sounds pretty funny coming from me. Twenchie the woman who types with a New Hampstah accent and says whatevah. The thing is, I'm here in my robe and furry slippahs typing a blog. I'm not standing on a stage, behind a podium, furiously flipping notecards and saying you betcha! G'ah. I shudder every time she opens her mouth.

I had a discussion with some friends and we talked about Sarah Palin and her obvious language impediment. Some floks said that they believe her folksey way of speaking appeals to some people. Her terms of joe six pack and soccer mom make people feel that she understands them, the people. Really? I find those terms rather demeaning. Is this what she really believes the majority of this country is comprised of? The truth of the matter is she does. Let us not forget that this is the woman who considers herself experienced in foreign policy because well, she can see Russia from her back door. Doncha know.

I think that if I met Sarah Palin at the local pub and we started chatting I might find her interesting. We could probably kick back, have a few beers, and probably even some laughs. Course, after a few beers I would probably have to rip that hideous hair piece off thus ending the friendship, but hey, it would be fun for me. All kidding aside, I'm sure she has some redeeming qualities. I'm sure that we could find things in common being as we're both middle class women raising kids and getting through life. But guess what? That's not who I want running this country. I want someone BETTER than me running the country.

If McCain and Palin are elected it is very possible, and let's face it, likely, that Sarah Palin would end up being the first female president of this country by default. No disrespect to McCain but he's in his 70's, he's not in good health and frankly, I just don't think he'll survive four years. Can you imagine Palin standing at the podium giving a State Of The Union address? I can hear her now" "is the economy turning around and improving? You betcha!" It's a recurring nightmare I have that wakes me from a sound sleep. Or it could just be the hot flashes, the jury is still out.

Listen, I'm ALL for women shattering the glass ceiling and running for, and winning, bids for political office. I'm all for a woman VP or a woman President. I just don't believe that a woman should get my vote simply because she's a woman. We need to elect the RIGHT woman and Sarah Palin falls so far from the mark she might as well be in Russia not just a close neighbor.

I saw a poll this morning that says Obama/Biden are widening the margin. I hope that poll is accurate because I tell you here and now that if they don't win I will have to move to Canada. I'll just change the ah to eh.

Can we talk about

2008-10-03T05:58:00.002-07:00

hot flashes? Most of the time I like being a woman and wouldn't change it for anything. There are howevah days, like today, when I raise my fist and declare that being a woman is a curse. A curse I tell you. The calender may say that summah is over but it's not in my world. It's quite fortunate for me that my deck is very private because yesterday I felt the need to stand out there, half nekkid just to try and cool off. I also considered just climbing into the freezer for a nap but sadly, I don't fit in there!

I went back and forth between standing in front of the fireplace proclaiming "brrr, I have a chill" to running out to the deck screaming "my god it's so friggin hot I can't stand it" Poor Mr. Twench and the cat couldn't keep up so they opted to just sit on the couch and shake their heads. I can't say as I blame them.

To those of you who say "I think I've had a hot flash" trust me, if you have one there is no thinking about it, you know! You know how hot you get sitting on a beach in July when it's humid and the temperature is 98 degree's? Pfffftttt. That's a walk in the park people. Hot flashes are brazen that way, there is no mistaking one, it is all consuming and when it's happening, it's the only thing you can think about. The good news is that I now have an idea of what hell will be like. That's probably a good thing since I'm sure it's where I'll spend all of eternity. At least I shall be prepared.

Yes, I've heard about HRT and no, I won't be taking them anytime soon. For various medical reasons, I can't. Truth be told I'm not sure that I would even if it were an option. There are just too many unknowns and actual evidence that they may cause cancer. I do enough things that could cause cancer I don't need to bump up my odds!

Here's the other thing. This is natural. Yes, it's unpleasant at times and creates more laundry because well, when one has a hot flash one sweats. And yes, my brain is fuzzier than it once was, and I've gone from the "i've had two kids pooch" to the "menopot pooch" but again, it's NATURAL. My body is doing what it was designed to do. Just like we have seasons here in New England our bodies have seasons. We go from young girls, to young women capable of bearing children, to older women no longer capable of bearing children. I'm ok with that.

I've heard friends say "OMG i'm beginning the menopause" like it's a death sentence. They get sad and depressed and are all "I'm old and my life is ovah" Say what? Listen, I love my daughters and I can't imagine my life without them, but there is no way in hell I want another one at this point in my life. I have no desire to go through a pregnancy,labor and delivery, or god forbid a two year old having a tantrum. I'm done. D.O.N.E.

I don't understand the concept that my only purpose on earth is to bear children, and when that ability ceases my life ends. Are you kidding me? My life is just beginning! And guess what, while I may suffer with hot flashes, I no longer have to deal with cramps and headaches and spending the equivalent of second mortgage on tampons. I'm FREE!

I look forward to entering a new decade. When I was younger I thought 50 was old. No really, I did. 50 isn't old it's the new 40. Perhaps back in the day when the mid line life expectancy was 65, 50 was a little scary but no so much today. Hell, the average retirement age is 70 now. 50 is still considered being a youngin!

The only downside that I see is that it's possible I haven't been suffering PMS all these years, it's actually just my personality. We'll have to discuss that another time though, right now I have to go stick my head in the freezer.

Ask Twenchie Sunday

2008-09-28T08:22:00.002-07:00

A reader asked me about that picture over there. Allow me to introduce Peepers aka The Fat Girl aka Missy Lou Who aka The Queen. She is the Royal cat in the House of Twench.

Her actual name was given to her when I got her. She was the runt of the litter and around the age of 10 weeks she was still too tiny to meow so she *peeped* much like a new born bird. Her mother, Fluffy, was owned by my sister and Fluffy was, well to put it bluntly, a slut who routinely had a new litter. For at least two years my sister tried to send me home with a kitten every time I visited. It was always easy to say no until I met Peepers. She was so tiny that she fit in the palm of my hand and when she looked up at me with those big green eyes and peeped, it was love at first sight.

She was certainly entertainment those first few months. She was tiny in stature but big of heart and in her mind she could do anything. The first time she went outside to the back yard she literally had to hop over the blades of grass. She would romp around with the twenchettes all day and come in at night exhausted. Her favorite sleeping spot was on the top of the back of my recliner. At least 4 nights a week she would fall asleep and fall off. The THUD of her hitting the floor never stopped being funny, especially when she would come out from behind the chair and look at me as if to say "what? I totally meant to do that"

She loved to be outside and hunting or lying in the sun next to the kids while they played. It wasn't long before we kept a shovel by the back door. She loved hunting and it was her calling in life. She would show up at the back door at least once a day, with her tail standing proud, to gift me with her latest present. My response was usually "missy lou who what did you bring me today". People often commented on how beautiful my flower bed was. Little did they know what I was using for fertilizer! Back then the house we lived in backed up to farmland so there was no shortage of hunting grounds. Come to think of it, there was no shortage in our house. We often had mice get in but I never needed traps. I had Peepers. For those of you thinking that's terrible, it's the circle of life people.

When she was about 8 we moved and our new house was on a busy street. That ended her days of roaming around outside, but it was ok. She was getting older and it seemed she was ready to settle into being a house cat. That's where the name The Fat Girl was born. She was no longer outside running around all day but she still saw the need to eat as much. Hmmmmm, she's kind of human that way! She spent her days lying around in the sun patches and chasing tin foil balls and cuddling up on my lap while I watched TV at night.

Looking back I realize that she's been there for most of the big events in my life. Always with a meow, or a head butt, or a kiss, or just curling up and being my best friend. People often say "if only they could talk" when discussing animals but the truth is, Peepers does talk. She speaks with her eyes and when she's mad she has no problem flipping me off with her tail. Or meowing loudly. She may not have words but she manages to communicate quite effectively!

Her most recent name came a couple of years ago. The Queen. Mr. Twench dubbed her with that one and rightfully so. She is The Queen in every sense of the word. We often joke that we are merely the care takers of the nursing home. Peepers is in charge and she makes sure we know that at all times. We've had to place stools around the house to help her reach her favorite spots because well, she's not as adept at jumping as she once was. We've had to start feeding her only wet food because well, the truth of the matter is she can no longer chew dry food. We discovered that one when we gave her a crunchy treat. She chewed, and she chewed and then she finally admitted defeat and spit it out, along with a tooth. Getting old is a bitch.

She's no longer the fat girl. She's skinny and pretty frail but she still has a big heart and she can still flip a mean tail. She's developed cataracts and no longer sees as well as she once did. She routinely does laps around our coffee table. Mr. Twench likes to say she's on the track getting ready for a big race. When she sits to rest he says she's in the pits for a tire change :)

At the age of 19 I don't know how many years Ms. Peepers has left. Her body is giving out and frankly, I think she has some dementia going on. Sometimes she gets out of her bed, heads down the hall to the kitchen, and then sits and looks back at us as if to say "where the hell was I going". I'll continue putting stools around the house, and carrying her up to our bed at night, and washing her face to get the spots she can no longer reach. She'll continue to tail flip me because she doesn't like being helped. I think it makes her feel old and she wants to remain independent. I don't do these things because I have to, I do them because I choose too. She's my best friend and that's what best friends are for.

Random musings

2008-09-27T06:22:00.002-07:00

I just got off the phone with my bank. Why? Well mainly because I'm old and as a result I frequently forget things. I do most of my bill paying and banking on-line. I love on-line banking! Every now and again after you enter your user name and password the bank people ask you to answer a couple of security questions. It's so kind of them to look out for my safety. So, today was the day they asked my security questions. What's my favorite color? Red, and this is important for all of you planning on purchasing me Christmas gifts. Next they wanted to know the make of my first car. Easy. Chevy. BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

That answer is incorrect, please try again.

Hmmmm. Nova BUZZZZZZZZZZZZZZ

You have answered incorrectly and we have now locked you out of this account. Please call Customer Care. Well shit. It's little embarrassing to call and tell them you don't remember what you originally answered. I mean, yes I'm getting on in years but I should be able to recall some simple things. Clearly I can't. And the worst part, while the bank folks asked a few questions and determined that I really am me, they can't tell me the answer to the question. They can only reset it and allow me to answer a different question. It's great that I can now get back into my bank account but frankly, it sucks that I'm going to lie awake nights wondering what the hell my first car was. It's entirely possible I originally answered horse drawn carriage. I'm sarcastic that way.

My new dishwasher makes assumptions. It has this loverly little feature that tells you when the dishes are clean. You load it, you run the cycle and wah lah! A loverly green light comes on telling you the dishes inside are clean. Now given that we've already established that I routinely forget shit, this is quite handy. With one exception. It assumes that the minute I open the door I will be unloading all the dishes and therefore I will no longer need to be told the dishes inside are clean. That's a big assumption in my world. Just because I opened the door doesn't mean I'm unloading everything. I mean c'mon, I have a life! Sometimes I open it, take what I need and close it up again because let's face it, the clean dishes aren't going anywhere. It's sort of like having extra storage. I don't like that my dishwasher assumes things, it makes me feel like a slacker.

Never throw things away that are in your junk drawer. And don't even try and tell me that you don't have a junk drawer because EVERYONE does. Every now and again said drawer becomes so full that it becomes difficult to open and close it. No matter how hard you shove it, I can neither confirm nor deny that I know this from personal experience. I can confirm this: if you clean the drawer and throw something out, that hasn't been used in 3 years, because you don't know what it's for, in approximately 1 week two things will happen. One, you'll remember what it was for and two, you'll need it.

Most of the time

2008-09-23T06:25:00.003-07:00

I don't find Customer Service provides actual customer service! Yesterday I actually talked to someone in customer service who was not only friendly, she provided an actual service. Who knew!

I realized last week that trying to work in sales, out of your house, is next to impossible without a land line. Especially when one lives in the middle of no where with crappy cell phone towers. Let me rephrase that, it stinks for cell phone service but it's nice for one's quality of life. It's a balancing act.

I decided that the cheapest and easiest way to get a land line was Vonage. You can sign up on line from the comfort of your pj's, you can pay on line, you can be connected to the outside world in a day and never leave your house. My kind of service. So I signed up and paid my $19.99 for express shipping of my adapter. Basically, Vonage assigns you a phone number or you can transfer your existing number then they send you an adapter that you add to all the other crap hooked up to your computer and wah lah! You have phone service. It sounds easy doesn't it?

As with most things in life, just because it sounds easy doesn't mean it is. I consider myself a pretty capable person. If you give me the instructions I can do most things by myself. Listen, I was single, and a homeowner for a long time. I'm a firm believer that anything can be fixed or assembled with duct tape and a buttah knife. I wasn't worried about getting the phone to work I had my duct tape and mah buttah knife and I was ready to roll.

There I sat, with my nose pressed to the window, waiting for the UPS man. Now on any given day the UPS man drives down my street by 9 am. I know this because with the exception of the 6 people who live here, no one evah drives down my street. When you hear a truck it's big doings so it's mandatory you look out the window. It's also possible I'm a bit nosey. Hey, if my neighbors are getting a delivery I need to know about it. How else will I keep up with them!

Of course because I was waiting, the UPS man chose yesterday to change his route. I swear that damn Murphy and his law follow me around just to screw with my brain. At around 10:30 I finally heard the familiar rumble of the big brown truck. There's something about getting a UPS delivery that brings me back to being a little kid. A package was coming and it was for ME! It's always exciting to get a package, it's kind of like Christmas. It also doesn't hurt that the UPS guy is young, buff and has a damn fine arse.

So I get my package and I open it up and retrieve the little instruction pamphlet. I give it a quick read and decide this will be a breeze. Unplug this, hook up this, replug into here and I'll be good to go. Heck, I wasn't even going to need my trusty buttah knife! I followed the instructions and plugged in the adaptor. Just like they said it would, the LCD display lit up and said "powering up". Woo Hoo. Even the cat seemed impressed! Or maybe she was just pissed that I yelled Yay and woke her up. I choose to think she was woo hooing in solidarity.

I sat on the floor, because god forbid they give you a long enough USP cable to actually put the damn thing up ON the desk, but I digress. I sat on the floor and watched the screen flash it's progress

Powering up
Retrieving customer profile
Retrieving ISP address.......

Retrieving ISP address.......

Retrieving ISP address.......

ERROR CODE 002

Crap. Error code! I don't know nuthin bout no error codes! I go back to the instructions and I do what they tell me to do. Check my Internet connection. Yep, it works! Go to the next step, unplug it all, wait 30 seconds and try again. Fine, I have nothing better to do then try it all again. I do, and guess what? Same shit different hour. ERROR CODE 002. I'm now at war with ERROR CODE 002 and I'll take hostages if need be, I want my damn phone to work.

As with most instructions there is always that little, call our helpline if you need assistance. I grabbed my cell phone and decided it was time to admit defeat and call the help desk. I wasn't looking forward to it. One because help desks are often not very helpful and two, I was going to have to use my cell phone, which has crappy service, which is why I need the Vonage but the Vonage isn't working which is why I have to call the help desk......yeah, I was dizzy too.

After finally hitting option 1 62 times I got a real live person. She gave me her name but of course that's when my cell phone decided to drop off for a second. She was a lovely woman who told me try this, do that, unplug cord b and reinsert it into cable d. Yeah, I've tried all that but I'll do it again because hey, you're the professional! While I was on the phone and waiting for everything to reset the inevitable happened. I lost the call. Yep. Nothing but a dial tone. I was on my own again. Good thing I still had my duct tape and buttah knife because they just might be needed after all.

As I sat there thinking "well now what?" everything rebooted and once again I got to watch the now familiar scroll across the LED screen

Powering up
Retrieving profile
Retrieving ISP address........

Welcome to Vonage!

I felt like I had won the lottery! Welcome to Vonage? Indeed! Thanks for having me! I immediately dialed my boss and said "we have liftoff". After having nothing but a cell phone it was nice to actually have a phone conversation where I actually heard everything that was being said. After a brief chat with her I hung up and prepared to go on with my day.

That's when it happened, my phone rang. I figured it was my boss calling me back because no one else had my new number.

Hello?

Ms. Johnson?

Yes?

This is Janine from the Vonage help desk, we were disconnected earlier.

Hi Janine! Thank you for calling me back but I'm all set now. The system seems to be working fine!

Great, is there anything else I can help you with today?

I don't think so Janine, I'm all set now. Thanks

Great, if you any problems please don't hesitate to contact us. Have a good day.

You too Janine buh bye

I give Janine two thumbs up. She knew I had a problem and she was going to stick with me until my problem was solved. Course in hindsight I don't know how she thought calling me on the Vonage line was going to be helpful since, yanno, I called her because that line wasn't working. I'm going to go with the theory that she had my account up on her computer screen and saw that it was now working. She still gets two thumbs up for the follow up.

If you need a land line, call Vonage and ask for Janine. Tell her I sent you.

There are rare

2008-09-21T04:12:00.002-07:00

occasions when I sit down to write and I have nothing to say. I suppose it's not so much that I have nothing to say, it's more like I can't decide what topic I want to say things about. I mean anyone who knows me knows I ALWAYS have something to say. To illustrate this point, here's a dialogue that frequently takes place between Mr. Twench and I:

Me: can I tell you what I think?
Mr: you're going to anyway, so go ahead.

Yes, he knows me that well. Sometimes I'm not sure it's a good thing that he knows me that well. Then I realize that I'm blessed that he does. He knows the good, the bad, the ugly and he loves me in spite of it all.

It occurred to me this morning that many of my readers may not know me that well. You're limited to what I choose to write about. That seems somehow unfair. So here's what I've decided to do about it. Sundays shall now become "ask Twenchie day". Yep. You, the reader, will get to decide my Sunday blog. 'bangs gavel'

You can post a comment and ask your question here or you can e-mail me at Dmj0361@yahoo.com and ask your question. You can leave your name or ask anonymously, it is completely up to you. If you e-mail please be sure to indicate if you want your name posted with your question! I believe in the freedom of speech but I also believe in the Hippa laws. Privacy is a big deal to some peeps and you may be one of those peeps. Rest assured I would nevah divulge that kind of information without your expressed consent.

So leave me a comment or drop me an e-mail and let the fun begin!

Can an old dog learn new tricks?

2008-09-18T05:32:00.004-07:00

My short answer is that it depends on the dawg. In this case, I'm the dawg so I'm going to go with yes, yes it can.

After taking a few weeks off and pondering the meaning of life it was clear to me that I needed a new job. Being a lady of leisure is a nice gig, but let's face facts, it doesn't pay the bills. The thought of going back to Corporate America and being stuck in an office, or worse a cubicle, for 40 hours a week was giving me heart palpitations. The thought of enduring another tax season in pantyhose, pumps and a suit made my skin crawl. That's all fine well and good but once again I kept coming back to that pesky little issue of paying the bills. It's a vicious circle this whole life thing.

As I was pondering opportunity knocked. My sister, yes the one who sometimes comments here, offered me a job. Now let me just say that my sister has offered me this job before. When we first talked about it a couple of years ago it just wasn't something I could do. I was living in my condo and those pesky mortgage people get cranky when you don't pay them. I had to have a guaranteed income and this gig doesn't provide one it's commission based.

Now it's two years later and my life has changed. It's changed to the point that I have a little more flexibility where income is concerned. Ok, not really but that's what I'm telling myself because hey, it's my life so I can spin it howevah I want. Anyhoo, my boss publishes newspapers. You know the kind, the free ones that you see in Pizza places and the Quickie Mart. How does a free paper make money you ask? Well I'll tell you. They make money by selling ads. Who knew.

Allow me to introduce mahself. My name is Twenchie and I'm in Marketing and Public Relations for the Senior Times Newspaper. Stop laughing! I can be nice to the public when I need to be! My job is to sell ads for the paper. Yes, you read that correctly I'm selling ads. Now for anyone who knows me this is funny on a couple of levels. One I've nevah sold anything in mah life and I routinely rant about telemarketers, car salespeople, hell any kind of salesperson. The other part that's amusing is that well, let's face facts, while I may be personable I'm not always nice.

When discussing the possibility of taking this job with my boss I pointed these things out. I'm sure I didn't need too because she's my sister and she knows me. Here's what she told me. "I started out selling classifieds for my local paper and look at me now. I own and publish TWO papers" It was hard to argue with that. The woman had no knowledge or training with regards to newspapers but she didn't let that stop her. She had an idea, she had a desire to make it work and god fucking love her she did. I have no doubt that it was a huge learning curve and much trial and error. She didn't let any of that stop her. She knew what she wanted, she believed in herself and she went out and did it. My sister is my hero and I want to be her when I grow up.

I decided that it was time to take a leap of faith. It was time to say "self, you can do this". I drove to the papers headquarters with my notepad in hand. "teach me, I'm ready" I said. I won't tell a lie. I left there that day with my head spinning. I mean Linda Blair kind of spinning. I couldn't remember half of what I was told and I kept thinking "OMG how the hell am I going to do this?" I pulled off the highway, hit dunkin donuts for an ice coffee and sat in the parking lot collecting myself. I thought about what I would tell someone else, a friend, my kids, a random person on the street. You know what I would tell them? "buck up and eat the cupcake"

I put the car in gear and got back on the highway headed home.

The next day was day one of mah new gig. I got up, put on a pot of coffee, fired up the computer and grabbed the database of potential clients. I was ready! Look out world here I come I'm going to sell you an ad. I set up all my folders for my e-mail, I set up all my folders for promo's I needed to keep and spreadsheets so I would know what stage each potential client was in. Somewhere around noontime I thought, well hmmm....now what. Just about the time I was thinking now what my boss sent me a promo for a Restaurant Week that's taking place during the October issue. She sent me the press release and said "go get em" "I'm on it!" I heartily replied. I printed out the names of the places participating and thought well shit this will be easy! I'll just e-mail them the promo! Ha. I'm so smart. That's when I realized there were no e-mail addresses! I had a little chat with my boss and she said "they're not going to call you yanno, pick up the phone, call them and sell an ad" Errrr.....um..........alrighty.

I grabbed my list, I grabbed my phone, I poured a fresh cup of coffee and sat down. That's when the panic set in. You know the feeling. Sweaty palms, heart racing, foot twitching. I paced around the house for a half an hour talking to myself. The cat got some exercise following me. Well I said, it's do or die so pick up the damn phone. The first one will be the hardest then it will be easy peasy. Mmmmmhmmmmmmm easy peasy.

Guess what! New problem. I finally got up the nerve to just do it and my phone reception sucked. I was talking to people, explaining the promo and trying to get an e-mail address and I couldn't hear the e-mail that was being given, and I'm supposed to be a professional so you can't just keep saying "what did you say?" I called 5 people got 2 e-mails and 3 resounding "thanks but no thanks" You know what? I wasn't discouraged I was pissed! I was pissed that after finally jumping in and doing it I didn't have the tools to do it. I had a shitty cell phone and shittier reception.

That's the moment that I realized something. I might be an old dawg but I CAN learn new tricks. I didn't throw my hands up in the air and say "I can't do this" I sat down and said "how am I going to get around this problem" The answer was easy. First I went on-line and did some research on landlines. God I love the google. Vonage. Ok, that problem was solved the landline will be up and running by Tuesday. Next problem, I'm on a deadline and I still have to connect with these restaurant people. What do we love? We LOVE the Google! Type in a restaurant name, get to their website and wah lah! Many of them have an e-mail address right there for the taking. I drafted a letter, attached the promo and in one fell swoop hit 20 places. I felt victorious. I DID it. Did I sell an ad? Well no, not yet but you know what I did do?

I was handed a task and I figured out how to do it. I solved the problems that arose while doing the task and came up with solutions to said problems. Now those of you who have worked for any length of time are shaking your heads and saying "big fucking deal I do that everyday". I would agree with you because well, I did that every day for 25 years too. And if this were a tax or accounting problem I could do it with my eyes closed. This was different. For me, this was the equivalent of someone handing me a blueprint and saying here, build this. I did build it. It's not that sturdy yet, and it's going to need some tweaks, and it's entirely possible that I used some poor quality building materials, but I did it. I built the model.

Now I will spend my day calling all of those folks who got my e-mail. Oh wait, my phone reception still sucks. S'ok, I'll drive up the street and sit in a parking lot under a cell phone tower and I'll sell, sell, sell.

Next Mr. Twench is going to teach me how to fetch.

Woof!

I mentioned

2008-09-18T05:32:00.002-07:00

the othah day that I had become a lady of leisure. I became a lady of leisure the moment I quit my job. Yes, you read that correctly, I just up and quit my job. Those of you who know me in real life don't find that shocking because the fact of the matter is, I was miserable. Those of you who read my blog may remember when I was looking for a new job a couple of years ago. I'm probably still known in the financial world as the chick with the bad hair! Damn rain. I never did accept a new position back then, and looking back on that time a phrase comes to mind..

timing is everything :) Hmmm. Where have I written that before!

At the beginning of the summah I decided that, once and for all, it was time to get the hell out of dodge. I was bored with my job, my boss was sinking further into the depths of dementia and I was just plain miserable going in everyday. Then, as often happens in life, something occurred that kept me from job hunting. My boss offered me a deal. 4 day work weeks for the summer. Say what? After some negotiating the deal was this. I would work Mon - Thur from 9-5 and still get a full paycheck. Yeah, like I was going to leave and give that up! I LOVE summah. More importantly, I love being home and not going to the office. I decided that the prudent thing to do was stay where I was, enjoy the summah and job hunt in September. It seemed like a good idea.

I enjoyed my 3 day weekends but truth be told my Mon - Thur still sucked. By the time the end of August rolled around I was dreading Monday's and praying for Thursday at 5 p.m. My level of misery had reached the point that Mr. Twench was saying "just give your notice and get the hell out of there. We'll figure out the financial stuff" Dear god I love that man. Regardless of the situation, or the cost to him, he supports me emotionally in all things.

The week before Labor day I worked Mon and Tuesday, then I took the rest of the week off as we had out of town family visiting and frankly, just being in the office 4 days was too much. I had vacation time to burn and I needed a break. I enjoyed the time off but every now and again that little voice in mah head would whisper "Tuesdays coming" and I would get sick to my stomach.

I dawdled around the house Tuesday morning putting off the inevitable. The drive in seemed to take hours and the closer I got, the bigger the knot in my stomach got. As I walked down the hall to my office I knew I was a woman on death row. I was just hoping my last meal would be a good one. I knew the minute I walked into my office that the clock had struck midnight and the switch to the electric chair was about to be flipped.

My boss has a son who was unemployed and he would have him work in our office a day or two a week doing little projects. Now don't get me wrong, I had no problem with that. I like Mike and he was doing projects that no one else wanted to do. It was all good. There was, howevah, one problem with it. For some reason, unknown to me, Mike liked using my office. This ticked me off for a couple of reasons. One, dude, it's MY office. My personal space and frankly, I don't like people touching my stuff! He often worked on Friday mornings and it was not unusual for me to arrive on a Monday morning to find my calculator settings changed and my desk rearranged. Don't.Touch.My.Stuff. Yes, I'm that petty.

I arrived that fateful Tuesday morning and the first thing I saw was my desk blotter. You know the kind, a month at a glance with big blocks for each day. I can't live without a desk blotter because I'm a scribbler. I scribble phone numbers, appointments, things I need to do etc. When it was time to rip off a month I would transfer pertinent information to the new month. Hey, call me nuts but it's my system and it works for me.

Now bear in mind the last time I had worked was in August and now it was September and yes, you guessed it, Mike had been in my office. Not only was he in my office he TOUCHED my desk blotter. I'll pause here so you can be righteously indignant with me for a moment.

It gets better.

He did more than touch my blotter he changed my blotter. He took off August and threw it out!!!! Threw.It.Out. I have heart palpitations just typing that. But wait! It gets better! Not only did he throw out August he wrote on September. What did he write? Important family birthdays that he needed to remember. THUD I knew in that moment what needed to happen. I fired up my computer, wrote my letter of resignation and hit print. I gathered my personal belongings, tossed the letter on my bosses desk, and out the door I went.

Walking down the hall I realized that it was entirely possible I would run into my boss walking in. Not to worry though, I had my escape route planned. I was just going to smile, say good morning and tell him I was running out to the bank, and then get in my car and break the speed barrier. Yes, I know, not my proudest moment.

I'm not proud of how I left my job of 7 years. I realize that there were certainly better ways to handle it. I mean, if you think about it, it can be summed up in a sentence. She quit her job because someone wrote on her desk blotter.. I freely admit that in hindsight it's funny but it's really less than professional. Here's the thing, it's done. Finshed.Over.Done.Nogoingback. I could sit here and justify, and replay, and say would have, should have but it won't change anything. You cannot go back and rewind time or rewrite history. The only thing you can do is learn from your experiences and move forward. I'm moving forward but that story is for another day.

I have to go to Staples and buy a new desk blotter.

Livin La Vida Loca

2008-09-16T08:05:00.002-07:00

That is what Iggy did this summah.

For anyone who doesn't know, Iggy is a 4ft Iguana. Yes, you read that right, he's 4 friggin feet long. Up until recently Iggy had full freedom around the house. The cover to his cage was always off and he was free to roam around and pick a window to sun himself in. He spent most of his time in the livingroom on the window ledge by the computer desk. At night he would usually jump over to the hard drive and sleep there because it was warm. Iggy likes to be warm.

Iggy no longer has freedom. Iggy is now confined to one bedroom where he suns himself, roams around, and takes his meals. I imagine he's not happy about losing free reign but well...you see....Iggy was a bad boy.

Somewhere around the beginning of the summer I commented to Mr. Twench that Iggy was not acting like himself. He seemed to have copped an attitude and was more aggressive than normal. Mr. Twench said I was paranoid. Men. Anyhoo, I knew something wasn't right but I just couldn't figure out what was going on. I thought that perhaps it was mating season in iguana land and thought Iggy was just itching to sow some wild oats.

We went on with our usual lives and I didn't give too much thought to it. After I first mentioned it, Mr. Twench had an incident with the Iggster. He was trying to put him in the tub and Iggy became very aggressive. SEE! I said! The next day Iggy behaved badly again. I had prepared him a loverly meal of mustard greens and grapes, Iggy loves grapes. I was sitting at the computer happily typing away and Iggy was having his dinner on the hutch of the computer desk.

That's when it happened. I felt something hit me on the shoulder. I looked up and the only thing I saw was Iggy staring at me. I knew the look in his eyes wasn't a good one, so I stared back. As I sat there staring at him, and wondering what the problem was, he took his next shot.
The little bastard threw a grape at me! Not only was I pissed that the little shit would throw food at me, I was also confused. I mean, I could understand if he threw his vitamin at me but a grape? He loves grapes! He was obviously ticked off and since he has a 3 foot tail and he knows how to whip it, I did what any self respecting scared woman would do. I moved to the couch!

After Mr. Twench stopped laughing, we sat and pondered what the heck was going on with the little guy. Why was he suddenly so aggressive? Why was he no longer thrilled to be given a bowl of greens and grapes? Why was he glaring at me with the passion of 1000 angry Twenchies?

We soon had answers to our questions. A couple days after the great grape throwing incident of 2008 we spent a loverly, lazy Sunday out by the pool. I can neither confirm or deny if cocktails were a part of said lazy day. While we were outside Iggy was in his usual spot on the window in the livingroom. Or so we thought. I came into the house to get dinner started and that's when it all became crystal clear.

I walked into my kitchen and there he was. Eating the cats food. The problem was two fold. Not only did I see him eating out of the cats dish, the cat did too. And let me tell you, Peepers has always been pretty tolerant of Iggy but eating her food was the last straw. As far as she was concerned this was war! She started popping him off the head with her paw, he started getting into position to tail whip her, and I stood there and screamed. I grabbed the cat and Mr. Twench came in and chased Iggy back upstairs to his room.

This was a problem, a big problem. Not only could we no longer trust the cat and Iggy to be alone in the house anymore, we couldn't trust Iggy period. We now had the explanation as to why he had become so aggressive. Meat. Iggy was on a fruit and veggie diet only for a reason. Meat makes iguanas aggressive, seriously aggressive. No wonder he was throwing grapes at me. He wanted the beef!

We decided that from then on Iggy would have to stay in his room. We were hoping that once he stopped eating meat he would return to the gentle iguana we knew and loved. Iggy had other ideas. He didn't like being confined to one room and he decided to take matters into his own claws. He clawed a hole in the screen of the window and off he went. Now the fact that he was smart enough to figure that out is one thing, but the real kicker is that he did it and lived. Our home as a garage under. Iggy was on that side of the house and so the window he leaped out of is high off the ground. I mean really HIGH off the ground. Once we got over the shock that he actually did it, we couldn't help but wonder how the hell he survived the fall. We really thought that he must have injured himself and had probably crawled into the woods and died. Poor Iggy, in our minds, had died a tragic death.

We were wrong. Iggy not only survived the fall he survived a month in the woods living la vida loca. Four weeks after he took his leap to freedom Iggy was caught! He was in the neighbors yard happily munching dandelions. The neighbors called the Animal Control Officer and the ACO was able to wrangle Iggy into a cage. We were shocked and happy to know that he had survived. The cat, on the other hand, was less than amused. When Iggy was brought home she ran over, took one look at him, and then looked at me as if to say "are you fucking kidding me?"

We kept Iggy in his room, with the window shut, for the first days to get him used to being in captivity again. He did seem less aggressive and he was happy to eat fruits and veggies. Heck, I think he was just happy to have his food appear rather than foraging for it! Those first few days he ate double his normal amount. I think the poor little guy was on a starvation diet out in the woods. Either that or he just wasn't smart enough to find his own food. Let's face it, he has a brain the size of a pea!

After a week or so we started letting him roam the house again when we were home. He was happy to go back to his window and lay in the sun all day for a day or so. Then his desire to wander free set in again and he was an iguana on a mission. He ran around the house like a crazy man looking for a way, any way, to escape again. He finally found one and once again, off he went. Once again he headed to the neighbors. I guess he really likes dandelions! Mr. Twench caught him with the pool skimmer and once again Iggy was sent to his room.

I hope he had the summah of his life because as far as I'm concerned, he's not getting out of his room until he's 18.

Facebook

2008-09-15T10:51:00.002-07:00

I recently got myself a Facebook account. I did it because several of my friends were on FB and they kept singing it's praises, and talking about the games they were playing together. Games! I love games, and hey, let's face it I love places that I can go to and spend the day screwing off. Now that I'm a lady of leisure, the more places I can kill time during the day the better.

So I typed facebook into the google and off I went. The first mistake I made was signing up under the name Mary Smith. Often times, when I'm unsure of website I use the name Mary Smith. I realize that in these days of technology it really doesn't matter. Anyone who wants to know everything about me can easily find it out there floating on the internets, but I like to tell myself I'm being smart. Sooooo Mary Smith was born! I sent out my friend invitations and sat back waiting for all of my friends to appear and welcome me to their world.

I sat, and I sat, and I sat. Nothing. No notifications of acceptance. No Welcome! I of course took this to mean that I must have done something wrong. Clearly I had not friended people correctly so I did what anyone would do. I sent out the invitations again.

Nada. Nothing. Zilch.

As I sat in front of my computer, staring at my empty FB inbox, an instant message popped up. It was from a friend of mine. It said

"some freak named Mary Smith keeps trying to friend me on Facebook"

D'oh!

After we finished laughing I went back into my profile and put my real name and wah lah! I had friends! I like *seeing* my friends on FB. I like reading their daily status update, I like seeing the photo's they post, I like playing scramble and word twist with them. I like knowing that while I'm sitting in my living room I'm still connected to the outside world with just the click of my mouse.

Here's something new I just learned about FB. You can Defriend people. For real, you can. Now I realize that we are, for all intents and purposes, an internet based country. We do everything over the internet. We chat with friends, purchase things on-line, pay our bills, check the weather......the list is endless. I like that we can do all of those things while sitting in our flannel pj bottoms and t-shirt. That being said, folks we have to draw the line somewhere. Somethings just shouldn't be done on line. To me, defriending a person on FB is the equivalent of breaking up via text message or worse....a post it! Who didn't cringe when Berger broke up with Carrie via the post-it!

I imagine that when you defriend someone they get a notification on their page. I have to imagine because I've nevah been defriended Imagine logging on to see that you've been defriended? Done the end, no chance for you to respond, no chance for you to grab your coat and walk out the door with your head held high. Just a notification on your computer screen. Sadness break up.

To me, any kind of breakup deserves to be in person. If your relationship, regardless of the type, is at a point where a break up needs to happen, then it seems to me it's a serious relationship. It deserves a respectable ending.

Post-its are for jotting down what you need at the grocery store and defriending is for people named Mary Smith.

Sometimes

2008-09-13T05:12:00.005-07:00

I don't follow my own rules. Shocking I know.

One of my favorite rules of all times:

When people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

I recently ended a friendship and frankly, I should have ended the friendship long ago. The truth of the matter is, if I had followed my rule, I would have ended the friendship long ago. Yes, I'm a slow learner.

I was thinking about it last night and wondering why I allowed the relationship to continue as long as I did. Especially considering I saw things over a year ago that made me say......hmmmmmmmmmm. I think that part of it is because I really wanted to believe this person had motives that were pure of heart. I wanted to believe that sometimes people go through rough patches and it alters their behavior momentarily. I wanted to believe that this person valued our friendship as much as I once did. I wanted to believe that this person is just young and could benefit from my years of experience. I'll pause here so you can laugh. Hey, I already said I'm a slow learner. Yes, I know! You can't fix people who don't want to be fixed! I get it! Really I just get it today, tomorrow will be a crapshoot.

I didn't miss the signs that there were issues, I saw them loud and clear, the red flags were swirling all around and I simply chose to make excuses for them. I saw the endless string of bff's who came and went with nary a word said. A simple wave of the hand dismissing them. I chose to believe that this person simply chose the wrong friends. I chose to believe that in choosing me, she was choosing a good friend and as a result I would nevah get the wave of the hand dismissing me from my post. Why would she! I'm a great friend! No, really, I am.

As often as I said to mahself...hmmmm....I still tried to be a good friend because well frankly, I know that friendships are like any other type of relationship. There are ebbs and flows and there are great times and down times. There are sometimes miscommunications and you have to talk about them and resolve them. I knew early on that this was pretty much a one sided relationship in that it always had to be about her. It was all about her issues, her problems, her horrible, terrible no good day. You know the type. The type who when you say "gosh my day was terrible" she responds with "you think YOUR day was bad, listen to this" They type who when you say "my othah half ticked me off today" responds with "you think that's bad, listen to this" The type who no matter what occurs in your day or your life her's was worse. Much worse. In fact, her day/life was/is so terrible that really there isn't even any point in discussing you because well, it's all about her. Yeah, that type.

I saw it and I accepted it. I accepted it for a time that is. Then I made the cardinal mistake in this type of friendship. After an endless stream of "oh poor me. Oh my life is so hard. Oh why do these things only happen to me. Oh why do people always dump on me" I gave an honest response. Truthfully, anyone who really knows me is amazed I lasted as long as I did. I'm not really good at hairpats and oh poor you. I live by the motto: If I said it, then it needed to be said. So I gave an honest response which was basically "honey, it's time to pull up your big girl panties and deal" THUD

How dare I! How dare I diminish the tradgedy that is her life. How dare I not draw her to mah bosom and stroke her hair and say OMG you poor thing. How dare I refuse to accept any more passive/aggressive behavior. How dare I refuse to bad mouth people who were simply telling her the truth.

While I may be a slow learner at times, I'm not totally stupid. I knew the moment that I stopped accepting her behavior and spoke up, the friendship would end. I'd seen her end previous relationships for exactly the same reason. I was ok with that. I simply don't have the time to coddle people 24/7 and I have no room in my life for people who constantly look up waiting for the black cloud to explode over them.

I have no doubt that now there is a new BFF and she reflects back on our friendship proclaiming "I was a great friend and she dumped on me, and I totally didn't deserve that"

Whatevah helps you sleep at night princess.

Has it been almost a year?

2008-09-12T11:04:00.002-07:00

It has. Holy taco how time flies.

I dusted this off this morning for several reasons. One because I really didn't have much else to do and two, because I miss writing :) So here we are. It occurs to me that I have a lot to say which probably doesn't shock anyone! I'll try and have it all make sense and stay on track, well at least for this post. After that all bets are off!

Yes, Mr. Twench aka SG aka Dino and I are still together (2 years and he still is the butter on mah toast). Yes, we still have 4 kids between the two of us because as annoying as they all can be sometimes, murder can land you in jail and well, the food there sucks!

As of a week or so ago I'm no longer employed. I consider this a good thing because that job was sucking the life out of me. I left voluntarily and am now a lady of leisure and spending mah days trying to decide what I want to be when I grow up. Of course given that I have yet to grow up this could take awhile.

The oldest Twenchette is in nursing school and doing fanfuckingtabulous.
The youngest Twenchette is growing up and finding her way in the world. She gets lost on occassion but as I always say "you're nevah lost, you're always someplace"

The oldest Dinoette is a senior in HS this year and planning on majoring in dance next year. We keep telling her that's a great hobby but not such a great career but like all of us before her, she has to figure these things out herself.

The youngest Dinoette just turned 14 and much to mah surprise, boys suffer PMS too. Dayum that boys head spins somedays. I'm currently working on a brownie recipe that includes Midol. Would that be wrong?

July is a blur for me. Dino's neice passed away at the age of 15 and I can tell you that it was a tough time for all concerned. I'll blog about that one day but not today. Today I'm having only happy thoughts.

Ohhhhhhhhh! We did have an addition to the family! I call her mah granddawg She's a pug named Nory and I'm madly in love with her. Personally, I think I'm her favorite too. She certainly snorts as if I am. What? You don't understand dog language. A snort is the highest form of affection. No, really.It.Is. Now that I have all this free time maybe I can figure out how to post a picture. It would be a major feat as you all have probably figured out by now that I'm not exactly a technically gifted kind of gal! It's ok though because my fabulous personality makes up for it.

Let's see what else? Hmmmmmmm oh! I fnally joined facebook. Why? Well mostly because a few of my friends did and I signed up so we could play stupid games like scramble togethah. It seemed as good a reason as any. Course now they're all kicking mah butt and mah self esteem is taking a nose dive. Well screw them I can do math! Mmmmhmmmmmm 2 + 2 is 4.

OMG here's an update from the past! Guess who I saw for the first time in a couple of years a week or so ago? Have you guessed yet?

Walt!

Dino and I were at the corner pocket and he came in for a pool tournament. In typical Walt fashion he pretended he either didn't know me, or didn't see me. Good lord it's been like 2 friggin years be an adult and get ovah it. As I looked at him my only thought was "what the fuck was I thinking" Oy

I see the puppy on occassion out and about and frankly, he's still a puppy and an ass. Again, what the fuck was I thinking! Dino still pops a vein on his neck when he see's him. My hero.

I haven't talked to my ex (the sequel) in oh, I dunno, probably a good 6 months. I run into him on occassion, I nod and I walk away. I'm not his friend, I don't wish to be his friend and I hope that he finally gets that. Time to grow up and move on now buddy! Buh bye and good luck!

Crazy stalker woman! She can no longer come to our home or she'll be arrested and she can no longer call dino's cell phone because we changed the numbah. Muuuhaaaahaaaahaaaa. I do see her at the grocery store now and again and she follows me around the aisles. Honestly, it cracks me up. It's pretty funny to see a grown woman peeking from behind the end cap. Crazy is crazy for life or so it seems. I just pretend I don't know who she is cuz that's how I roll and because I have no doubt it drives her batshit crazy.

And that floks is mah update. We're just living la vida loca :)

I'ts always sumpin

2007-10-13T07:52:00.000-07:00

For those of you who don't keep up with me in othah parts of mah life you need to know that the Twenchettes moved out of mah condo to a smaller and more affordable place. This is a good thing for a couple of reasons. One is that they now really do have total autonomy (which they need) and two it saves me money That is always a good thing.

So once the girls moved we had to go in and clean and paint and fix. Trust me when I tell you that I could several blogs on that alone. I will simply say the word FILTH. And I do mean filth. When a years worth of nicotene and animal fur and plain filth builds up on baseboards you get something akin to an alien life form. It's not pretty people, not pretty. But I digress.

So we clean and paint and fix and we list it to be rented. That in itself was stressful because paying two mortgages sucks and it's draining financially. We get it rented by our goal date. At first I like the woman (she has 3 teen boys) and Dino is not thrilled with her. It really doesn't matter since she is the only game in town and she has cash money. Cash money is a motivating factor.

When she moves in we reverse our initial feelings. I'm now lukewarm and Dino thinks she'll be perfect. Two weeks into it we have now met in the middle and hate her. She is, to put it mildly, a fucking drama queen. I do not like drama queens. I do not tolerate drama queens.

Her first *crisis* is that I haven't given her a key to the backdoor. I tell her I'll get you a key to the back door give me a day or two to find it in 243 million keys I have in my drawer at home. This, of course, is unacceptable to the drama queen (dq for short). 24 hours latah she takes it upon herself to change ALL of the locks in my condo. Now don't get me wrong, I have no problem with a tenant wanting to change the locks. Hell, I probably would too. The difference is I would ASK my landlord if it was ok. DQ saw no need to ask she just did it without so much as telling us. Hell, we wouldn't have known had we not stopped there to see said lock changing in progress. She would have like to be reimbursed and I politely told her "I don't think so". I reminded her that she MUST check with me before changing anything like that as stated in her lease.

I told her I'm more than happy to pay for such items provided I have prior knowledge and approval. I told her this very simple concept SEVERAL time.

The next crisis was a phone message about water pressure followed by another message 10 minutes later "nevermind my son went downstairs and turned something and it's all set" Yeah ok whatevah I just rolled my eyes and forgot about it. Next we had the "the toilet is so loose I'm afraid to pee" phone call. Um listen, it's a 50 year old unit. The toilet has a SLIGHT wiggle. It has been this way for 4 years and even in mah most drunken state I have yet to fall from the toilet. To shut her up Dino went ovah there and turned a screw (ok he pretended to turn a screw)

I believe next in DQ's lineup was a drip under the kitchen sink. Of course being a drama queen there is no such thing as a drip. When you're a drama queen it goes something like

Oh my god there is water POURING out under the kitchen sink! You have to get here RIGHT NOW. The kitchen is going to FLOOD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Dino and I roll our eyes and head over there. Yeah, um, it is one drip per fucking hour. If that. Left unattended the kitchen will flood in October of 2050. But whatevah!

He cleans it out, he tightens it all up. Viola! No more drip. Buh bye now!

Thursday on my way home from work she calls me yet again. Of course I let it go to voice message because frankly she is not grating on mah last nerve. The latest crisis is lack of hot water and no pressure. None, nada, it is barely dripping out and she can't even shower abd I need to get a plumber ovah there STAT. Uh huh.

I call Dino and tell him I'm right near there and I'll go check it out. He laughs and says "yeah good luck with that babe"

I go in and say well let's start in the kitchen. I turn on the faucet the water comes out in a steady stream and it's so fucking hot I scald mah fingahs. Hmmm. Looks ok! Oh, she says, the kitchen usually isn't the problem it's the shower. Ok. Let's head up to the bathroom.

I turn on the tub and low and behold it's coming out just fine and it's steaming. Yes, I know you're all shocked as was I. Oh she says, it's not really the tub it's usually mostly the shower. In fact, I thought it was just the shower so I changed the shower head but it didnt' make a difference so I put the old one back on.

"Dq? Didn't we have a discussion about NOT doing anything, or making ANY changes without discussing it with me?" "Well it was only a shower head and I put the old one back on so it doesn't matter." "um, it does matter and you NEED to stop doing that or you and I are going to have a very big problem. Please read your lease if you're confused. Are you SURE you put the shower head back on correctly?" "It just screws on! I didn't break anything"

Um yeah whatevah.

I turn the shower on and what do ya know! Pouring steaming fully pressured hot watah! Who would have thunk!

She proceeds to tell me that she is NOT crazy and not a half hour ago she had NO pressure and NO hot water.

As much as I wanted to just put mah hands around her neck and strangle, I refrained. I very calmly explained to her that this is a condo. If the people next door are doing laundry you MAY experience a slight drop in pressure. You may experience a SLIGHT drop in pressure if all of units are using water because we have a well. You get the water from the well through a pump. The pump can only pump so much at one time. I explain that a hot water tank can only produce so much hot water at once. Did you do several loads of laundry? Did all of the kids shower before you?

She is getting irritated and listening to none of this. It's not a slight drop in pressure there is NO water. She didn't use all the hot water she KNOWS she didn't.

Ok I say. I don't know what to tell you then. I'm here. There is pressure, there is hot water. I"m trying to explain to you what MAY have occured and you don't want to hear it. Exactly what is it you would like from me?

You have to call a plumber and have this fixed and you CAN'T REFUSE to let me call a plumber

Listen, I tell her, what would you like me to tell the plumber? Sometimes my water pressure sucks? Yes, sometimes there is a drop in pressure. It's how it is and it is hardly a drip that comes out. I lived here. I know what happens and while there is a slight drop in pressure it is not even close to being enough to prevent you from doing laundy or dishes or showering. I'm not spending $200 for a plumber to tell you what I have just told you. As for refusing to let you call a plumber? Bullshit. You want to call a plumber and pay him, have at it. That being said, you will NOT have ANYONE doing any work of any sort without my EXPRESS WRITTEN PERMISSION. You're more than welcome to call a plumber and guess what, if he finds a legitmate problem I will be more than happy to pay to have it fixed. Have a nice day.

I'm sure she has already called a plumber. I'm also sure he told her there is nothing wrong with the plumbing and have a nice day thanks for the check.

It's always sumpin.

Dayum

2007-10-09T16:42:00.000-07:00

It's been awhile. Oh fine! It's been a long fucking time.

Recently some floks have been asking when are you going to blog again. I kept saying "oh, I know I have to get back to that" or some other such comment. And I would think about it and realize "shit, I don't know if I have anything to say". The *feeling* or the mood just wasn't there. A couple of weeks ago I realized something. I've still been *blogging* all along. I've just been doing it inside of mah head. Yes, I am a freak.

Instead of blogging on paper I've been having conversations with mahself inside of mah head. Laying on the couch and sort of drifting. Driving in the car. Laying in bed those last minutes before you fall asleep. I have conversations with mahself. I'm probably should seek help but it's way easier and cheaper to just put in on paper.

I could be wrong but I would imagine the questions will be regarding SG AKA Dino AKA Mr. Twench AKA The love of mah life and our kids and our cats and our igauana. I know you all secretly worry about Iggy because you love him so. He's fine. He's green. He still sits on the window ledge for days. He still finds red nail polish alluring. Freak.

The kids are good. Dino's two are back to school and being typical teens and giving us gray hair. My two are living in their own 2 bedroom apt with Nory, my most favoritist granddawg evah and two cats. They're alive, they seem happy, they are adults

The most recent conversation in mah head lately has been Dino. I won't go into details right now I will just say that recently I think I suffered a crisis of faith. And no, he didn't cheat on me :) But I suffered a crisis of faith none the less.

It was a scary place to be in but I think that perhaps it was a good thing. It is a good thing to sometimes doubt in order that you can get over the doubt and remember how lucky you are. It's a good thing to look into your partner's eyes and KNOW that no matter what you're a team. No matter what, you will get through, or over, or around and you will do it together.

So I suffered a momentary crisis of faith. And it is entirely possible that one day I will suffer another one. One thing I do know for sure:

Life is one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

yah, i know

2007-03-08T17:21:00.000-07:00

i suck. I want to be here more often, i try to be here more often. It's that whole having enough time thing. It's not that I have nothing to say, lord knows anyone who knows me knows i always have something to say!

Tax season will end, it will, and then i shall return on a more regular basis.

You missed big news. HUGE news. I quit Crumby's. Mmmmhmmm. I did. And it's fabulous. Fabulous I tell you. Now i just work 6 days a week in my office and I get Sunday off. I have now had two glorious Sunday's off and let me tell you, I fucking love Sunday. I might be cleaning or putzing or just doing nothing and i fucking love it. I have new found appreciation for a day off. Not hard to do considering I went about 2 months without a day off. I don't recommend it. It sucks the life out of your soul.

And yes, on my way to my office on Saturdays I drive by Crumby's and I point and laugh and yell so long suckahs. Muhhhaaahaaaa

Let's see, what else. The twenchettes are doing well. They have made their mama proud. Very proud indeed. They're doing well ovah at casa de twench. Oh don't get me wrong, I'm no fool. I know they have their occassional drunken party, and they leave way to many lights on, and i'll bet they don't brush their teeth everyday, but yanno what? That's part of growing up and learning to be a self sufficient adult. They're figuring it out, and doing a damn fine job of it. I salute them. Guess with which finger.

How are Dino and I. Two guesses, the first one doesn't count I can honestly tell you that even when I'm stressed about work or whatevah and he is grating on my last nerve, because, well he is still a man and they'll do that to you, even at those moments, I can look you in the eye and tell you that I love him more and more each day. I can tell you that I can't imagine my life without him, hell, I can't remember my life before him. It's like he has always been there, silently beside me, holding me up and waiting for that moment when he could just say "hey baby".

Yes, I do make myself sick sometimes

Post Karen there were times when the moments of doubt would creep in. You know those moments. The ones where you think is this real? Is he going to bolt again? Am I going to get another phone call that says I need some time? Those moments are few and far between now. Very few and far between. I only have to look at him to know he loves me. I don't know how I know that, I just do.

I'm not saying that we float through life like some sappy Lifetime movie. We're real people, with jobs and kids and bills and mortgages and cars and furnaces that break down. Let's face it, sometimes all that shit hits the fan and it's not always easy. The difference for me now versus the past 45 years is that I know, at the end of the day, I can put all that aside for a little bit and just be. Just being is a good thing.

Right now, I'm sitting at Casa de Twench because, one again, there's no fucking heat in this place. Which really fucking annoys me since I've spent ovah $600 in the past two months on that fucking furnace and frankly, i don't know what parts are left to replace. I'm waiting for someone, of the 45 fucking repair people I've called, to call me back. I'm not holding out a lot of hope that my phone will ring. Bastids. Yes, yes I did call the gas co. They told me they have no one available till tomorrow. I actually expected the guy on the othah end of the phone to say "sucks to be you". I hate them. Mmmhmmmm. I do.

Dino is off with his son at a meeting for baseball, the gas co. doesn't give a shit, and I'm fucking cold. Waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa

This too shall pass. It will. Maybe not tonight, but tomorrow if all else fails I will suck it up and call the gas co and take the stinkin appt they have available. Yanno, the one where they say they will be here between 12 and 4 and then they will show up at 6. They're assholes that way.

The Twenchettes are out and then going to stay with friends. Friends who actually have heat. I'll stay here until Dino is out of his meeting and if no one calls me back, and you know they won't, I will go home. Home sweet fucking home. Upon arrival I shall eat copious amounts of cookies. It's purely medicinal though. Cookies are known to warm a cold body quicker than any othah food. It's true. I sweah. Google it.

Timing is everything

2007-02-23T18:05:00.000-07:00

Ah....Time. Something I have very little of lately. Apologies to my readers. I'm busier than a one armed paper hanger, but this too shall pass. On April 15th.

Anyhoo

Timing is everything

I was thinking about this the other day. It's funny, I say it Dino all the time when he's being fresh and reminds me that he met me a full 7 months before I would agree to go out with him. I of course smile innocently and say "but I was worth the wait". Yeah, I know, I'm evil Bwaahaaahaa. I always follow it with "timing is everything baby".

I was thinking about that very phrase on Wednesday evening. Dino and I met at the Pocket after works for cocktails. A little while after we arrived Not Relationship Guy came in with a buddy of his. I noticed him coming in, he notice me there, we kind of nodded. I do run into him once a week or so, getting coffee in the morning, we chat and then we each go about our day. I haven't often run into him at the bar. I haven't often run into him while out with Dino, who is very obviously my boyfriend.

So Dino was off on the othah side of the bar chatting with friends and I picked up my beer, and lit a ciggie, and I went ovah to say hi to Not Relationship Guy. It was a bit odd at first. We both were aware of the fact that I was there with my boyfriend. We had to, quickly, figure out how we were going to handle that. I can't speak for him but I chose the "i'm just going to talk to him like he's my friend and forget that I have total carnal knowledge where he is concerned." I mentioned a few things going on, things that Dino is a part of etc. etc. We talked about Crumby's, working too many hours etc etc. I can't tell a lie, there may have been a little flirting in there. Hard not too when you've been that intimate with a person. It was still a little weird, but we finished the convo and I headed back to my seat where Dino was waiting.

So there we were, Dino and I talking and laughing, and I could feel Not Relationship Guy watching. I didn't acknowledge it, at least I don't thing I did, but I could feel it. He finished his drink and I watched him leave out of the corner of my eye.

Timing is everything.

When I met Not Relationship Guy I wasn't ready to be in a serious relationship. He wasn't either and if the truth be told, he may never be. He's carrying around the baggage of a woman done him wrong. Those are some really heavy bags, some people nevah learn to recover. Not Relationship is going to be one those guys. He will nevah learn how to put those bags down. He wants too, he tries too, but he just can't do it. I know that. I accept that. I hope that he knows I know that. Does that make sense?

Timing is everything

Happy Valentines Day 2007

2007-02-14T07:56:00.000-07:00

It's snowing like crazy here in New Hampstah, and as much as it's a pain in the ass for driving and getting to work, I'm almost glad. Glad because it is the picture perfect backdrop. There is nothing as beautiful as "new" snow. It clings to the tree's and glistens like a thousand little crystals. It covers up the dirt and grime from fall and makes everything look new and pretty again. It reminds us to stop for a minute and reflect.

Dino was home sick Monday night and yesterday with the head cold from hell. He still went out yesterday to get me a dozen roses because he was afraid with the weather he wouldn't be able to do it today. So I woke up this morning and the first thing I saw were those roses on the nightstand. As I was looking at them I thought "they're beautiful but the truth is, I don't need roses to know how truely lucky I am".

I'm lucky to fall asleep everynight snuggled up next to someone who loves me no matter what.
I'm lucky to wake up every morning snuggled up next to someone who loves me no matter what. I'm lucky to go through every second, every minute, every hour, of every day knowing that, no matter what, someone has my back.

Many years ago I thought that Valentines Day and Birthdays and Christmas were all about "stuff". I couldn't have been more wrong. It's not about stuff. It's about looking accross the room and seeing your other half and thinking "damn he's good looking" It's about the million and one little things that he does for me everyday. And the little things that I do for him everyday. Not because I have to, but because I choose to.

I was happy to wake up next to him this morning, the roses were a bonus. I got up, made coffee, kissed him goodbye and said "see you latah today baby" Then I went up to take a shower, on the vanity was a card. Now I've spent some time in card stores before. Ok, I've spent a lot of time in card stores because I tend to be a romantic sap when it comes to cards. I've found some good ones ovah the years, ones that express my true feelings. I've nevah found one as perfect as the one I read this morning. I have no idea how many cards he read to find it, but I know this: I fall in love with this man a little bit more every day and given how much I already love him, I didn't think that was possible.

Damn technology

2007-02-13T06:55:00.000-07:00

we're experiencing a little technical difficulty here at blogger central. The silly blogger people have been pestering me for weeks to upgrade to the newer version. I finally admitted defeat and clicked on "move mah blog" and now mah blog is fubared. B'ah. The loverly peeps at blogger central assure me this too shall pass. It fucking better. I expect better service for free shit. Ha.

Let's see what have I been up to? Working. Working. Working and working :)

I.Am.Tired.

I told Crumby's that I need next Sunday off. Why? Because I haven't had a day off in ovah a month and I'm beginning to lose my mind. Granted, I didn't have much mind left, but that is just all the more reason to save what i do have.

My plans for my day off?

Sleep until noon.
Get up and have coffee
Take a nap on the couch
Get up and have a beer
Sit in the hot tub
Have my way with the hottest man on the planet
Nap

Yes, that IS a perfect day :)

Day 30 - Yes, the last day

2007-02-05T17:02:00.000-07:00

A little late but hey, cut me slack I work a lot :)

Day 30 was Saturday and although I really wasn't around a computer during the day, I was aware it was day 30 and I thought about day 30. Day 30 consisted of a 9 hour shift at Crumby's then to my house in Plaistow to meet Dino who was there shoveling the stairs and clearing the driveway so that it wouldn't freeze this week and be difficult and icy for the twenchettes. Yes, that's Dino. Always taking care of us. Then we headed to the pocket to have a bite to eat, and a few cocktails and kick back and relax, and chat with friends, and just get to be with eachother. Not a bad thing. Not a bad thing at all. Seeing him, at the end of the day, makes all the crap from the day disappear and just not matter. In my world that's a fabulous thing.

Somewhere between day 1 and day 7 I decided that I would have to approach my relationship with Dino, and the situation with Karen by following a simple guideline:

One second
One minute
One hour
One day at a time.

What I didn't say was that those seconds and minutes and hours would have to be re-evalutated at day 30. Living your life in the moment, and appreciating each second is a good thing. But this is life and in life it's always good to have goals and plans. That part didn't escape me. So, the past month has been comprised of

2,592,000 seconds
43,200 minutes
720 hours
30 days

I can honestly say that there were some scary seconds in those 30 days. There were also some fabulous seconds in those 30 days. There was some joy, some fear, some intrepidation, some (though very little) uncertainty, some laughter, and some tears. There was life.

And what do we have at the end of those 30 days? We have the same thing that we had on day 1, more love, aside from the love I have for my kids, than I have ever felt for another human being. I don't say that lightly. I loved my kids Dad, I loved my ex (the sequel) Dino is different. I've thought a lot about that. I wish that I could put it into words, into words that could express the depths of it, and the joy of it, and the sheer comfort of it. I don't know that I can. I don't know if you can evah adequately express that deep of an emotion. And the more I thought about it, the more I realized, perhaps that is so for a reason. It's something that only the two of us really know. I mean, I know other people know love, but you can nevah really know the love between two people, it is unique to them and that is partly what makes it so incredibly special.

So, Day 30 and where are we now? At the moment I'm sitting at Dino's typing this. Wait. Let me retract that statement. I'm sitting at HOME and typing this. Yes, you read that correctly. I'm sitting at home. And there is no place that I would rather be, there is no other place that I can imagine being. It's not something I considered and did lightly. In truth, it was something I thought long and hard about. We both did.

We have a plan. Because, yanno, between the two of us we have 4 kids, 3 cats, an iquana and 2 crazy ex's. Planning is mandatory in our world :) April has been expressing a desire to be *out on her own* for a few months. It would be silly for her to go rent an apartment when I own a perfectly nice condo. That leaves the question, where does Ashley go? In a perfect world, Ashley would come with me to Dino's because she's my baby and I still have the need for her to be with me, the reality is, she has the need to be without me and become an adult just like her sister before her. So, we're going to let her stay with April and another roommate. I'll still cover the major portion of her "rent" while she is figuring out how to be an adult, and hopefully, going to cosmotology school.

The way I see it this is a good fit for everyone. The twenchettes get to learn what it is to really be an adult and live on your own, but they get the benefit of a safety net. I also get the benefit of a safety net. I still own my condo and I still get to be a mother and check on my kids and bring them care packages. Hey, what can I tell ya, its' a Mom thing, you never stop worrying about them. The past couple of weeks they've shown that they get it. They each did something that shows that little glimmer that they're ready to be on their own. Silly things. April went grocery shopping and Ashley cleaned the bathroom (giggle). It sounds silly, but it's a good thing. A very good thing. I'm not only incredibly proud of them, I'm amazed by them on a daily basis.

As for Dino and I, we don't live in a fools paradise. Karen may have been silenced and slithered back under her rock, but yanno what? There will always be something. There will be kids, and pets, and cars, and jobs and life. Yep. Life. It can be trying sometimes. Hell, let's face it, it can by trying a lot of the time. The difference now, for me, is that I know that no matter what, I don't have to face those times alone. Even the most difficult times are much easier when someone has your back. Dino has my back and he always will. I knew that on Day 1 and I still know it on day 30.

Over the course of the past month, I thought about day 30 more than once. I started composing posts in my head. Different days led to different posts depending on what was going on in that second, or that minute, or that hour. Now, sitting here, and writing the day 30 post, one thing is amazingly clear to me. It all comes back to one thing. I love this man with all my heart and I have no doubt that he loves me as well. And at the end of the day that's all that really matters.

The numbers will stop now. I'll revert back to titles, and weekly rants (because you know me, I can always find something to rant about), one thing will not change. Living my life one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time will continue. Why? Because in the past 30 days I've learned something, life can change at any given second and that makes it all the more important to cherish each and every second.

It's coming...

2007-02-05T09:11:00.000-07:00

:) The Day 30 post. Oh c'mon, you knew it would be 30 days.

Crazy busy working like a nut. I haven't had time to breath much less give a 30 day post the time it deserves. But it shall be written soon.

Day 27

2007-01-31T06:49:00.000-07:00

Hump day.

Someone posed a question on the GDT the other day. It was basically "what does your SO do to let you know they love you?" The answers were interesting and they all seemed to reflect the same thing.

It's the little things.

It's the kiss on the top of your head when you're watching tv.
It's your SO padding into the kitchen and returning with a candy bar.
It's a phone call during the day just to say hey or the e-mail that says "thinking about you"
It's your SO getting out of a warm bed at dark o'thirty to warm your car up for you

It's the little things.

I woke up this morning to a quiet house which is not the norm. Every morning when Dino is headed out the door he comes back upstairs, kisses my forehead and says "I'll talk you later babe" It accomplishes two things I know it's time for me to get up and start my day, and I start my day with a smile knowing that he's out there covering my back and remembering that no matter how sucky my day may become, he's going to be there at the end of it.

My morning was off kilter. I didn't get my usual kiss, I got up a half hour later than I normally would. I did all of my usual things, shower, have a cup of coffee, read my e-mail, get dressed and head out the door to work but it wasn't the same.

I got to work this morning and the first e-mail I opened was from Dino.

"Hey baby, you were sleeping so peacefully this morning I didn't want to wake you. I'll call you later.

Thinkin' bout you"

It's the little things.

Day 26

2007-01-30T07:23:00.000-07:00

Anothah day anothah dollah.

Busy, busy and busy.

Yes, we are still doing numbahs. Yes, there is an ending numbah. Yes, that numbah is fast approaching :)

And who knows, maybe there will even be a very interesting post that day.

Bwaaahaaaahaaaaa

Day 25

2007-01-29T06:53:00.000-07:00

Someone needs to explain to me how it can be Monday. Again. I swear I do not know where the days and weeks go sometimes. I know where yesterday went, I worked for 9 hours at Crumby's and then passed out on the couch. I guess sometimes even super hero's have to crash and recharge. I hate that I lost an entire day to nothing but work and sleep. That does not make me happy.

Clearly I did nothing on Sunday but at least we had some down time on Friday and Saturday night. Friday night we went to visit Dino's friend Phil. Phil has been having a hard time lately because one of his cats (one of 5) recently passsed away. Phil has been in a bit of depressions as a result so we went to just hang out and cheer him up, or try too. It's funny, we always talk about women in terms of becoming "crazy cat ladies" but Phil is the crazy cat man. He's in his 40's, was once engaged, but his woman done him wrong and left to marry some othah guy. Phil nevah really got over it and to ease his pain he started taking in cats. His cats are his life. He goes from work to home, and that's pretty much it. It's sad to me, but I guess it's what makes him happy. Phil also likes to get stoned. Very stoned. I think as soon as he gets home from work, he sparks a joint and stays stoned until he goes back to work. I'm thinking this explains why it has taken him 4 weeks to finish putting all the electrical plates in his kitchen after it was remodeled. Phil doesn't do anything quickly. He's a character for sure.

Saturday I got to spend my usual day working retail hell. Fortunately, it was busy enough that the clock didn't move backwards. Still, 9 hours on your feet smiling at the public is 8 hours too many.

We went to the pocket when I got out of work for a bite to eat and a couple of cocktails. We were having a loverly time until my ex (the sequel) decided in his drunken haze to explain to us all why we need God in our lives. Yeah, that always goes ovah big in a bar. First of all, I have my own relationship with God and I don't need anyone telling me how my relationship should be. Secondly, drunk people should nevah give theological speeches. Thirdly, the man is a fucking idiot and I find it more than disrespectful to listen to him pontificate on his religious beliefs. He's cheated on every woman he was evah with. He routinely talks shit and then has to spend the next week apologizing to people, and he's going to tell the rest of us how to live a "godly" life? I don't fucking think so. Most days, I can just ignore him and roll my eyes like everyone else, Saturday night I just lost it. I told him he needed to shut the fuck up, pay his tab, and go sleep it off. I was not amused and he knew it. He took one look at me and said "I know that look, I'm outa here". Yes, the bar did breath a sigh of relief that he finally left.

Dino and I have come to a conclusion. We don't have 4 children we have 6. Karen and my ex (the sequel) are the othah 2. They're like fucking children who are constantly behaving badly and causing us grief but they're you're kids so what are ya gonna do?

Perhaps my ex (the sequel) is partly why I can be so understanding about Karen. I get it. I have no doubt that there is a part of Dino that feels responsible for Karen, just as there is a part of me that feels responsible for Steve. It's hard to explain. You've all heard me talk about Steve before, he's like the proverbial bad penny that just keeps turning up. I've tried walking away on more than one occassion, and everytime, he manages to suck me back in. So I pull up my big girl panties and I'm his friend. Truth be told, somedays it's just not easy to be his friend. Saturday night was one of those times.

The only difference between Karen and Steve is that Steve isn't pyschotic. He's just run of the mill crazy.

Day 22

2007-01-26T07:22:00.000-07:00

So, I was watching Grey's Anatomy last night because it is my favoritist show evah. It's like a second generation St. Elsewhere and that too was one of my most favoritist shows evah. I just recently learned you can get St Elsewhere from Netflix. One of these days I'm going to put it in my que and have a St Elsewhere marathon. Anyhoo. I was thinking about something that Meredith said at the end of the show.

It is the unexpected that changes us.

It's very true. We all live our lives, go about our days, do all of the things that we, as adults, do. Often times we don't even really think about it. We don't think about our lives, or what we have or want until something *unexpected* shakes our little world. In the past 4 months two unexpected things rocked my little world.

The first was going out with Dino. I have friends who will attest to the fact that after our 3rd or 4th date I knew that this was the man I would spend the rest of my life with. I know that sounds shocking, and really it is. I can't explain it it's just something that you know. You can hide from it, you can bury it, you can lock the thoughts in the closet, but it is there lurking. Truth be told, I did try to hide from it most of the time. Anyone who reads my blog has probably figured out by now that I'm a little on the jaded side. Ok. Fine. I'm a lot on the jaded side. I don't trust people. From as early on as our 2nd date, I trusted Dino. I tried not too, I didn't want too, I made excuses as to why I shouldn't, but the fact remains I did and do trust him. That baffles me on a daily basis. Having that much faith and trust in a person can rock ones world when the better part of your life has been spent not trusting people.

I think we all know what event numbah 2 was. Karen Pyscho Crazy Stalker Woman. Yeah, I think we can easily say that it was unexpected and totally shook up my safe little world. I'm a fim believer that often times the Universe puts things in our path for a reason. For that reason I have no doubt that Karen was put in my path for a reason and she isn't just there thru Dino by proxy. Karen made me question my faith and my trust in Dino. While it wasn't fun, and some days it still isn't, it's not necessarily a bad thing.

The truth is I kept questioning myself as to weather or not I should trust Dino when in reality the question really was "do I trust myself?" The fact of the matter is, when faced with the unexpected you have to make a decision. You have to trust yourself enough to COMMIT to a decision.

I trust myself enough to do that.

Day 21

2007-01-25T06:40:00.000-07:00

I went to bed far too late and I'm sure I'll pay the price for that later on today when I hit that 3pm wall.

Dinner last night was loverly. I love having my kids at Dino's with me. It just seems *normal*, although it is a bit weird when they say "ok Mom, we hafta get going see you latah." I have no idea when my children turned into young adults, but clearly they have. Smart, gorgeous young adults. I look at them sometimes and think "dayum, maybe I didn't do so bad afterall".

I watch them mature and go down all the paths that young adults go downand I think "I wish I could make it easier for them" but the truth is, I can't. As an adult we are the sum total of our experiences. And while some experiences aren't great, it's a learning process that makes us who we are. I looked at my daughters last night and saw my sister and I 25 years ago. No matter what, they will ALWAYS have each other. There will always be that sister out there who has your back. Hell, my sister had to cover my back a few months back and you know what? She did. No questions asked. Just as I would do for her. It gives me a tremendous amount of comfort to know that. To know, that no matter what, my daughter's will always have each other.

Day 20

2007-01-24T07:24:00.000-07:00

It's hump day. At least for people who work M-F it's hump day. When you work 7 days a week, Wednesday is just anothah day.

The girls are coming ovah to Dino's for dinnah tonight to celebrate Twenchette's B'day. That makes me happy, all of my favorite people under one roof sharing a meal. I made a big pot of sauce last night, for dinnah tonight. Dino is in charge of putting it on the stove to reheat when he gets home tonight. I'm a little askeered. The man's idea of cooking is to put everything on high and burn it. G'ah! I told him his life is in danger if he fucks up my sauce.

So, I leave work yesterday and I go to the grocery store to get the stuff to make my sauce, and then I stop at my house to grab my sauce pan, because Dino has pots and pans, but I can only make sauce in my sauce pot. It's the perfect size, the perfect thickness to distribute the heat evenly. I cannot make sauce in any other pot. I'm a freak that way.

Anyhoo, I get home and I go up and change into my jammies and I'm in the kitchen makin' sauce, and Dino is puttering around cleaning the hot tub and changing the filter, and we're doin' laundry and loading and unloading the dishwasher and just doing the things that normal people do. That's when it hit me. When did we turn into normal people? When did we become so accustomed to one another that we can just be? And here's the really weird thing. It is completely normal to me, to be in my jammies, in his kitchen, cooking sauce. It's like I've always been there cooking dinner, and doing laundry, and talking about who's kids are where and what are they up to.

I can honestly say that I experience a level of comfort when I'm with him that I haven't experienced in a long time. I was thinking some about Jeff yesterday, and that relationship, because of seeing him in the morning. Even when he lived with me, I always felt like he was just sort of visiting. When he had his own apt, and I would spend weekends there, I always felt like a visitor. He had his house. I had my house.

It's not like that with Dino. His house is my house, my house is his house. It's never what are *your* kids doing from either of us. It's always what are *the* kids doing. I check on his, he checks on mine. It's not you take care of yours, I'll take care of mine. We don't each have two kids, we each have 4. When did that happen? When did our lives become so entwined that we can finish each other's thoughts?

I don't know when it happened, but I do know this:

I wouldn't trade it for anything.

Day 19

2007-01-23T08:18:00.000-07:00

F'eh.

I'm tired. My back hurts, my neck hurts and now I have cramps, because yanno, timing is everything. Whatevah.

Yesterday my day ended somewhere between 11 and midnight and today isn't looking much bettah.

The kids are coming for dinnah tomorrow to celebrate Twenchett's Birthday, which means I have to make the sauce tonight so it will have time to simmah. Now don't get me wrong, I'm thrilled that they're coming for dinner and to hang with us, and I'm thrilled that my kids like my cooking enough that they look forward to my sauce. But I'm tired. Way tired. If I could fall into a bed and sleep for 24 hours straight, I would do it.

And of course, becuase my life seems, notice I said *seems* why tempt fate, because my life seems to be back on track on going fairly well, today the Universe decided to throw me a curve. You knew it would. It always fucking does.

I saw Jeff. Yes. That Jeff. Yes. My ex Jeff. That Jeff.

Jeff owns his own business servicing and selling copiers, printers and that kind of thing. He does business with several of the people in my office complex. One of his customers is pretty much right accross the hall from me. Yep. You guess it. I was coming out of my office into the main hall, and he was walking down the main hall. And the kicker, that fucking son of a bitch looked right at me and nevah said a word. NOT ONE FUCKING WORD.

Now mind you, I really have no idea what exactly I think he should have said, but I think he should have said something. A hello, a nod, something. After spending damn near 3 years together, and living together, I think I deserved at the very least a "hey".

That's Jeff. Avoid conflict at all cost. Whatevah.

Day 18

2007-01-22T06:39:00.000-07:00

I'm in mourning. My boys let me down. Ok, my boys let me down big. (hanging head) It will be a sad, sad Superbowl Sunday. Very sad. Eh, I'll just have to drink heavily :)

After a weekend of retail hell I think I can safely say that I FUCKING HATE PEOPLE. No. Really. I do. Every freak on the planet showed up at my register. Here's the interesting thing. This seems to occur one a month, and it happens to coincide with my period. Hmmmm. Could it be that I just have less patience then? Nah. People are just freaks. Yeah. That's it. Being the resourceful woman I am I find little ways to deal with the assholes who frequent Cumby's, or Crumby's as we like to call it.

One of the beauty's of working at a store which is pre-pay only for gas is that unless you pay with a card at the pump, I have to authorize your gas purchase. Now, knowing this, why, just why, would you give me shit? I hold the key to you getting gas, or not getting gas. And frankly, I'm a bitch and it's not a power I'm afraid to yeild. It was probably 15 degrees this weekend, 0 or less if you factor in the windchill. Basically, it was fucking cold people. Way fucking cold. Do you know what happens when you come to my register and give me attitude? Do you know what happens when you come to my register while talking on your cell phone? I'll tell you.

I don't authorize your pump in a timely fashion and you end up standing in the freezing cold for an extra two minutes. Why? Because I can and there ain't nuthin you can do about it. Bwaaahaaaahaaa. Go ahead, come in, be an asshole, and then try and pump gas. I'll let you. Eventually (evil cackle)

As to othah mattahs, all quiet on the western front. No drivebys, no phone calls, no sightings. You would think that this would make one feel relaxed. It does not. After the non stop barage of calls and visits the silence becomes eerie. You start to wonder what she's plotting. You look over your shoulder, you check the back seat of your car before you get in. In short, you start to become a wee bit paranoid.

I don't know what she'll pull next, but I know this. She isn't done yet.

Day 15

2007-01-19T06:35:00.000-07:00

Well yesterday was fun. NOT

I got to work, in a fabulous mood and lookin hawt :) I know this, because Dino told me, and so did 3 other people in my office building. Nope, nevah get tired of hearing that. It was going to be a great day, I could just feel it. Then I made a crucial mistake. I went to the restaurant downstairs and got an egg/cheese/bagel. It was a critical error on my part. Not to many people in our complex eat there, why you ask? Because we all know bettah.

I threw caution to the wind for a couple of reasons. Numbah one, I was in a great mood and nothing was gonna spoil it, and two I was starving. Yep. You guessed it.

Food Poisening

I knew an hour after eating that it wasn't going to be pretty. Not pretty at all. As much as I wanted to just leave and go curl up on the couch, I knew I couldn't. I had stuff that I HAD to get done. So I did. Of course, I did it in between trips, like every 20 minute trips, to the ladies room. Now let me just say this, it's bad enough to be sick enough to require the use of the ladies room every 20 minutes, it's even worse when it's not your own bathroom.

I'll admit it. I have public bathroom phobia. It's true. I do not like people hearing me pee much less having them hear me with severe stomach distress. I won't go into graphic detail, I have no doubt that, at some point in your life, you've all been there and you know exactly of what I speak. (shudder) It suffices to say that it was ugly.

I did what I had to get done at work and headed to my house. Dino was runnin around getting the kids where they needed to be so I called him and told him the sad saga. In between dropping them off and picking them up he came to my house to check on me. In true redneck fashion the noise coming from their unit was loud. It's always loud ovah there, I have no fucking idea what these people do, but whatevah it is, it's friggin noisy. I was not amused by it.

Dino suggested I just go home with him and get some rest. It was a tempting offer. A very tempting offer. Not only because, truth be told, his house IS home to me, but because he's a very good tucker inner. Why didn't I? A couple of reasons. First, in case it was the flu and not food poisening I didn't want to expose his kids to it. Second, I'm a terrible sick person. When I'm sick, I want to curl up in bed and be left alone. Third, I don't like being sick around people. I don't like them hearing me vomit, I don't like them hearing anything else that might go on in the bathroom. Yes, I know, I have issues :)

I think I can safely say that it was, indeed, food poisening. I'm a little worn out today, but I ate toast for breakfast and lived. I see a movie and the sofa in my future tonight. Usually on Fridays we go to the Pocket, see our friends and have a cocktail or two. The thought of alcohol makes me ill right now. I don't think that will change by tonight. I just want to get my work done and go home and snuggle. Snuggling is good.

It's a work Marathon this weekend, Cumby's, some stuff for my office and then the Patriots game Sunday night. What? You're not a Patriots Fan? G'ah!

Day 14

2007-01-18T06:34:00.000-07:00

So, I'm sitting in my office with a ridiculous and contented sigh on my face. Why?

Because, in my world, all is right with the Universe. The daily shit like work and chores and bill paying, and dealing with Karen and kids and cats does not matter. It just doesn't. It's life, it's what we all get up and do and deal with everyday.

Here is what matters. Knowing that no matter what, at the end of the day, I can sit on the couch, or in the hot tub and just let it all go. Because you know what? That's what counts. That's what is really important.

The important things are listening to your kid when they've had a great day and they're excited.

The important things are watching the cats pretend your living room is Nascar and then watching one slide into the wall because he went to fast and the transition from the rug to the floor is a bitch. And you would think he would have figured that out by now, but well, he's a cat.

The important things are walking through the door at the end of the day and hearing "hey baby, I'm glad you're home".

The important things are knowing, that at the end of the day, at the end of the craziness, there is someone there who *gets* you.

The important things are lying in bed, and listening to your partner sleep. Listening to those peaceful little sounds they make.

The important things are knowing the difference between the bullshit and the important things.

It's taken me almost 46 years to figure it out, but I think I get it now. The big things will come and go and change and resolve. The little things are what sustain you.

Take two mintues today. Just two short minutes. Take two minutes to be thankful for the little things. You'll feel bettah, I promise.

Day 13

2007-01-17T06:52:00.000-07:00

Oy. The weather in New hampstah is not good. Not good.

The power went out at my house yesterday around 6:30 am. As of 6:30 last night, it was still not back on. The twenchettes went to their Dad's and then to friends, I grabbed some clothes and went to Dino's. And of course, the rednecks had a generator going. I think there is something in the redneck handbook about always needing a generator available. Fucking lunatics. It was LOUD. Very LOUD. I was only home long enough to grab a change of clothes and I had a friggin headache.

As of last night, they hadn't caught up with Karen. We're hoping they catch up with her today. She left probably 15 voice messages last night.

I wish I had time to put on paper all the thoughts in my head, but sadly, work calls once again. If I'm lucky, I'll be out of here by 7 tonight.

I hate taxes

Day 12 1/2

2007-01-16T13:12:00.000-07:00

Tra la la la la

Dino just called me. He spoke with the Chief of Police. The officer who originally took the statement and all the pics and info on Sunday is off duty for the rest of the week. As of his last shift, he had not spoken with Karen.

Dino explained to the chief that Karen is still driving by, still calling his cell, still e-mailing him. The chief said he is VERY aware of the situation and it needs to stop. He is PERSONALLY going to issue a no trespassing order against her, and he will PERSONALLY hand it to her and explain the ramifications of her violating that order.

Tra la la la la

I would like to say that this will be game, set, match, but I know better. I know her history. I suspect this will keep her away from her house for a week at best. After that, the pyschosis will take ovah and she'll be back. When and if that happens, Karen is going to jail. And you wanna know the real kicker?

I actually feel bad for this woman.

THUD

Don't get me wrong, I want the order placed on her, I want Dino to have some peace, but I feel bad that anyone can be so completely crazy that people have to go to these lengths to keep them away.

The truth be told, I hope that someone is able to get through to her and get her into counseling. If this behaviour doesn't stop, someone is going to get seriously hurt, and I suspect it will be Karen.

Day 12

2007-01-16T08:06:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying, I feel like crap. Thanks to the loverly ice storms going on here in New Hampstah, I lost power at my house just as I was about to hop in the shower this morning. I didn't get to wash or dry my hair and now I feel like a big scruff ball. I do not like being at work feeling like a big scruff ball. F'eh.

It also mean that if I get out of work in time to make it to Dino's sons wrestling match, I'll be going there looking like a big scruff ball. F'eh.

Yes, the numbah's are still there. Yes, I have an ending numbah in my head still. Yes, there is a method to my madness :) You'll just have to trust me on that one. No, I'm still not telling youse people what the ending numbah is. I'm a bitch that way.

Yesterday was a good day. A very good day. I got a bunch of stuff done at work, I got a bunch of stuff done at home, and I fell asleep snuggled up next to Dino which, I don't care what anyone says, is way bettah than falling asleep next to the cat.

When we went upstairs to bed, Twenchette was home safe and sound but the little red headed girl was still out. The roads here are horrible and there are trees and power lines down everywhere. As I was lying there worrying the front door opened and I heard her come in. Once I heard that door open, it was easy to fall asleep. Everyone was home safe and sound and honestly, that is the best feeling in the world. The best.

Today's plan, work, to home depot to get stupid ice melt stuff so I don't break my neck in my driveway, and then try and make it for the last portion of Nicks wrestling match.

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Day 11

2007-01-15T07:21:00.000-07:00

The last couple of days have been a wild ride. A crazy, wild ride, but in the end, a fabulous ride. I have exactly 482,000 thoughts in my head and I'm going to try and keep them in order and have them make sense.

So, the last time I had a chance to sit down and put my thoughts on paper, was Sat night. I had just talked to Dino he was getting ready to go to the family thing with the kids. I was finishing up getting my computer working and I was going to go to bed early. I was comfortable being home, I was peaceful because I knew that we had had a great Friday night together. No Karen, no crap, just us. I knew from our phone conversation that he felt good about his day Saturday, getting the hardwood floor started. Peaceful. Normal.

I went to bed around 9 and probably fell asleep shortly thereafter. I was awoken at 10:30 by my cell ringing. It was Dino, and in my half sleep I thought "how sweet, he's calling to say goodnight" I couldn't have been more wrong. I picked it up, said 'Hey baby" and got "hello there" back. It was not Dino. It was Karen. It was Karen, calling me from Dino's cell phone. The sound of that voice certainly woke me up. I didn't know where they were, or why they were together, but I knew they were. It's the only way she could have called me from his cell. I could recite the whole conversation word for word, but to be honest, I don't see the point. There is nothing she said that I believe, and she doesn't deserve that kind of press or time. After just a couple of ridiculous statements from her regarding how I was all done and she won, I said "let me talk to Dino" Her response was that he was asleep on her floor, he was very tired from working all day. She claimed that they were at her house for a romantic evening. I knew in my gut that just wasn't true.

She finally said "I don't have time for this" after about 10 minutes and hung up on me. She hung up on me because she was not in control of the conversation and she knew it. Every thing she said to me, every accusation she made, I had a response for. A very calm, controlled response. There was not one time in that conversation that she got under my skin, not one time that she made me doubt Dino, or myself. She couldn't get to me and she knew it. She knew it, and she didn't like it. She didn't like it one fucking little bit.

About 5 minutes after she hung up I called his cell and it went straight to voice mail. Now, I didn't know where exactly they were, but I knew this. He wasn't in her company by choice. I sat in my bed for probably 6 or 7 minutes thinking what the fuck is going on. I won't tell a lie. There was a moment, albeit a brief moment, where I thought "my god what if he really is over there and he's asleep, and she picked up his phone?" The moment was short lived and then I realized that she could have done god knows what. For all I knew she bashed in his head and he was lying on the floor bleeding to death. I got up, put on some shoes, grabbed a coat, and headed to his house. I was going to do one of two things, save mah man, or be proven to be a complete and total idiot.

Now, as I'm driving to his house (it's about a 15 minute ride) my cell goes off. It rings twice and then stops. I'm driving, I'm shaking, and I can't possibly pick up the phone. It doesn't beep so I know that no one has a left a message. I don't know if it's Dino or Karen but I figure I'm going to be at his house in 10 minutes and I'll deal with it then. I get to his house and it's dark. Pitch black dark. No lights on, no nothing. I pull up to the garage, I get out of the car, I look in the garage. It's empty. His car is not there.

I get back in my car, I pick up my cell and I dial his number. Honestly, I still am NOT believing that he's at her house. I don't know where he is, but I'm worried. I'm worried that she's friggin killed him. He picks up his phone on the first ring. He's on low battery, we both are having shitty reception and it's hard to hear one another. I'm screaming "where the fuck are you. Are you ok" he's screaming "I'm on my way to your house". I yell back well I'm at YOUR house you fucking idiot. I think at that point we both laughed. I heard a fuzzy broken up, "stay there Deanna I'm turning around".

I go into the house, I grab a beer, I light up a cigarette and I wait. He gets there 10 minutes later. As he gets out of the car I can hear him on the phone. I know he's talking to karen, I can hear her voice. He's telling her "this is it. Done. Finished. Stop calling my phone, stop coming to my house, stop harrasing me etc etc. Now, these are all things I've heard him say to her before, but this is different. The tone of his voice is different, the strenght of his voice is different, there is no doubt that he's done. He's not kidding. He's not playing games. This is where it ends.

He hangs up with her, he comes in the living room and he says "I can't stay here. I don't want to be here, I don't even feel fucking safe here" I say I know, I understand let's just get the fuck out of here. We get in our cars and we head back to my house. Now, why he didn't just stay at my house to begin with is something we both laugh about. He basically drove back to his house, got me, and we went back to Plaistow. We just weren't thinking at that point I guess. Anyhoo.

We get to my house, we sit down and I say "what the fuck happened tonight Dino"

He tells me that after he talked to me, he took a shower, had a bite to eat and was exhausted. He called the kids and his sister and said he was beat and really didn't want to go to the family thing. His sister was going to take his kids, and he was going to crash and get some sleep. He passed out on the couch and the next thing he knew, Karen was there. She wasn't there long when she went over and grabbed his cell phone off of the charger. That's when she called me. He actually heard a good portion of the conversation, including my responses back to her. I did say, why didn't you just take your phone back. His response to me was basically that the only way to get his phone out of her hands was to take it back physically. He was afraid to do that. Afraid that she would then call the cops and say he assaulted her, afraid she would assault him thus beginning a physical assault on both sides. Given that he lost control a few nights before, and threw her cell phone against a wall, he figured it was best to just let her keep talking. I actually do think that was the way to handle it. You don't take a bone from a rabid dog.

After she hung up with me, he took his phone back, put on his slippers, turned off all the lights and said "I'm leaving Karen. I'm not going through this with you". He walked out the door and got in his car and she did the same. We don't think she followed him, which really doesn't matter because he nevah made it all the way to my house, we think at that point she probably went home.

The funny thing is, It is one long country road that connects my street and Dino's. We HAD to have passed eachother that night. Neither one of us noticed the other yet we both did exactly the same thing, at exactly the same time. Go to eachother.

He said I just couldn't stay there anymore. She's driving me out of my own home, I can't even be there right now. It's like I'm living a fucking nightmare only I don't wake up. He expressed concern that she would go back to his house that night, and I said Nah, she won't. That's not her MO. She did her damage for the night she's home in bed. I couldn't have been more wrong.

We didn't know if she was still calling or not, he had turned his phone off. We headed up to bed to try and get some sleep. I won't tell a lie, we both tossed and turned. I had to be Crumby's at 7 and he got up with me. He was going to head home to do some more work on the floor. As we both got in our cars he said to me "I hope she's not there when I get home, if she is, I'm not going in"

My phone rang 25 minutes later. I was already at work but ran to grab it. I knew it wasn't going to be good. Karen wasn't there, but the carnage she left behind was. Based on the the call log on his phone, we think she went back there around 2 am. She was calling and calling, and he wasn't answering, and she could probably tell that he wasn't even listening to his voice messages. That must have pissed her off so she went back there. Now once she got there, and he wasn't there, she had to KNOW where he was. There was only one place he could be. My house. As near as we can figure, because really it's hard to know what a crazy pyschotic person thinks, she went into a blind rage. She threw a lamp through a living room window, broke plates and glasses against the slider, ripped a couple of kitchen cabinets off the hinges and totally destroyed them. Took all the toilet paper in the downstairs bath and stuffed it in the toilet. She tossed around pictures, beer cans, whatevah was in reach, she heaved it. Then she went upstairs and tore his bed apart.

After he told me what she had done, I said "call the police" Honestly, I don't remember if he said I already did, or I am. He called back about an 1 1/2 hours later to tell me the cops had been there, they took pictures, yada yada. He told them everything. He told them to pull her records from her shit with her ex. The restraining order he put on her, the phone harrasement shit. All of it. He told them about the 2 times prior that they had been to his house because of her, he showed them his call log on his phone, he left nothing out. He was done. Stick a fork in me done. The cops said they were going to try and track her down that day and they would be in touch so Dino could sign the paperwork.

I was able to be out of work at 11 and told him I would be there to help him clean it all up, he didn't need to go through that alone. He did have a good portion cleaned up by that point. Not 10 mintues after I was there he said "holy shit she just drove down the street" I actually laughed and said honey your paranoid. Now, Dino lives on a cul de sac. A dead end. There is one way in and one way out. We went and stood in front of the window to watch because, if it was in fact Karen that he saw, she would HAVE to drive past the house again in order to get back to the main road. He was right, it was her. She looked in the driveway and I have no doubt the first thing she saw was my car. I don't know if she was just being crazy, or if she saw us in the window, but that crazy pyschotic bitch actually waved on her way by. I shit you not. She fucking waved. A princess wave. A sarcastic, look at me, wave. I'm still in awe ovah that one.

Dino finished cleaning up and the whole time we were talking. Talking about how hopefully this will end it, now that he's pressing charges. Talked about how this has affected our relationship, talked and talked and talked and talked. We went to home depot, we stopped at my house, we hit the grocery store, we went back to his house and we were still talking.

He thanked me for being there with him, for giving him the space that he asked for, for believing in him. We talked. And we talked. And we talked. And we laughed some, and we giggled some, and we flirted some, and we made plans. And we made some decisions.

We're all done giving Karen power. We're all done letting discussions of Karen be the focus of our conversations, of our lives. When there is something major such as her court date, he'll tell me. If there is a problem getting the phone co. to block her number, he'll tell me. Beyond that. It's done. Karen is a skeleton that shall NOT be allowed to overtake either of us. She has to be dealt with, she is being dealt with, she's all done. ALL DONE

We ARE together. We WANT to be together. We will no longer give her the power to come between us. Buh bye now.

Am I naive enough to think that this is the final chapter with Pyscho woman? No. I fully expect that she has a couple of more tricks up her sleeve. She hung up on me because she couldn't control me or get my dander up. She didn't like that. She flew into a rage and went back to Dino's that night because he wouldn't pick up and talk to her. She got even angrier once she went back there and realized that he was with me. Karen doesn't like to lose. Karen doesn't like to be told no, and she has been told no. I have no doubt that the first time she calls his cell and hears "we're sorry, you're call will not be accepted" she will fly into yet another rage. It will still suck to deal with it, but now there is a difference.

Neither one of us will deal with it alone. We're in this together. Good, bad or indifferent. We're in this together. Karen can do whatevah she wants, she won't change that.

Day 10

2007-01-14T16:28:00.000-07:00

Sistah, you are INCORRECT

I don't have time to tell the whole saga this minute.

I'm at Dino's, the football game is on and dinner is in the oven.

We ARE a couple, and that will not change in the near future.

I'll unfold the whole story of what occured last night tomorrow. Honestly, I'm tired and I wanna hit the couch with my man.

Day 9

2007-01-13T15:13:00.000-07:00

Let me just start by saying I hate Cumby's. I do. 9 hours on your feet, when you're back is killing you, not fun. Nope, not fun at all. Eh, at this point, my mindset is that I'll do it for as long as I can, and then I'll just say the heck with it. One day at a time. That seems to my theme this week.

So. Dino. Here it is.

I was still at work last night when my cell phone rang. Guess who. Said he was calling to see how my day was going, and would I like to meet him at the pocket for a couple of beers. I told him that sounded good, and I would see him in about an hour. The first couple of beers were mostly small talk. Stuff at work, with the kids, etc. It was light and easy and I thought it best to keep it that way until he was ready for a more in depth discussion. We did discuss our relationship to a certain point.

Truthfully, I don't remember the conversation word for word, it took place over a couple of hours. The bottom line is this. I enjoy being with him, and he enjoys being with me. I think we both realize that we both have other things in our lives that need tending too. The past couple of months, neither one of us have been great about tending other things.

We did not discuss the situation with Karen in great detail. He knows he needs to deal with it, and put it to a stop. I know he needs to do that. He knows I know he needs too. Really, the only thing in regards to Karen that we discussed was that I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he is not in love with her, he does not want to go back to her, and he's not dating her. And while many people will think I'm crazy and naive for thinking that, it's the truth.

Then we got into a discussion about what I need to do for my computer, how I would have to get the serial # off the motherboard, go to my office this weekend, download a driver and re-install it. Then I was saying how I had a ton of things to do this week and I barely got to any of it because A) I was coming home from work exhausted and b) I spend at least two nights working on the fucking computer.

He said "lets do this, we'll go to your house, I'll get the info and download the drivers at my house tomorrow, you throw in the laundry and then I'll do the cat litter" I told him, honey, I appreciate all that you do for me, but it's ok, I can handle it. I don't want to be one more person that you have to take care of. I don't want my stuff to be one more thing on your list that you have to take care of. I want to be the person that ALLOWS you to relax, and have a few hours of peace.

We did not end up coming back to my house to do chores. We stayed at the bar, had a couple of more drinks, relaxed and talked and flirted. Flirting is nice. I like flirting. We came back to my house, I promptly fell asleep on the couch, and Dino watched TV with Twenchette. He woke me up, because he knows my back is out and he didn't think it would good to sleep on the couch. He tucked me in, kissed me goodnight, and went back downstairs to finish whatevah they were watching.

Yes, he did come back upstairs. Yes, he did spend the night. Yes, I do sleep a lot more soundly when he's cuddled up behind me. Shoot me, I'm just being honest. I got up and went to work, he got up and went to his house to work on his dining room floor. Yes, he is still Dino and he wrote the computer info down before he left. Oy

When I got out of cumby's I realized I had what I needed to get the old computer on line and I installed it. That gives me the ability to go online and get what I need for the other computer without going into my office. I called his cell to let him know he didn't have to waste time down loading stuff. I left a voice message. He called me back 10 minutes later.

He was all excited about how much of the floor he got done with his buddy, it looks great yada, yada. Talked about my day, and told me his plans for the night with the kids. I knew his plans for tonight with his kids, and a family delio. He asked what I was going to do, I told him finish up with the computers and probably be in bed sound asleep by 9.

I have to work at cumby's tomorrow, and he's going to work more on his dining room floor. I may call him when I get out of work and see if he wants to watch the football game, I may not.

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

I believe it's called dating. What a concept.

Day 8

2007-01-12T06:18:00.000-07:00

I left work yesterday at around 6ish. I KNEW, in my gut, that somewhere around 6:30ish Dino would be showing up at my house with a disk for my computer. I knew. I was right. He had the disk for my computer and some brake fluid for twenchettes car. He moved it the other day and said the brakes were low and needed fluid.

He came in and said "i have a 1/2 hour before I have to pick Nick up and I wanted to make sure you had this, can I have a quick beer with you? I think I mumbled uh huh. I was just starting to install the new harddrive and we really didn't talk about anything beyond that. He knew I was not in a good place, and unless he's a complete idiot, which yanno, is possible, he knew it was because of him. I think at some point he asked if my day got bad after we talked on the phone, I just looked at him and said "my day has pretty much sucked from the beginning." He had to leave to go pick up his son, so he leaned ovah and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I couldn't even look him in the eye. I think on the way out he said something about maybe you can call tech support and I mumbled "i'll figure it out". He just looked at me and said "I know you will Deanna".

Out the door he went.

He called a couple of hours later and said I was just sitting here thinking about it and you need to try a, b and c. I said, yeah, I just thought of that and was getting ready too. I said something about just being frustrated and how I have been dealing with this computer for a week and I'm sick of it. His response, "I know. I knew as soon as I saw you tonight that you're tired, and you're frustrated and with everything else going on, I can understand it's been a long week" I think we just said good night at that point.

I did what we had talked about and the computer seemed to be working. I called his cell and said "Ok, you were right, I used that disk and it seems to be formatting the new hard drive" "Good, I'm glad, it'll probably take about an hour, I'm right sometimes". I said "you're right a lot of the time". Goodnight

Ok, couple of things that are whirling in my head right now. First of all, I knew in my gut that he would show up with disk in hand. Perhaps I DO know my gut. Perhaps I AM reading things correctly. At least I know I read that one correctly. I mean, what the fuck. Dude, I'm under the impression you broke up with me, stop being my friend, stop fucking taking care of me. It would be easy to say well, he's still worried about me, still taking care of me, there's hope. But here's the thing. Oh c'mon, you knew there would be a thing, there's always a thing.

He takes care of everyone. It's who he is. He still takes care of his ex-wife. If her car dies, it's Dino she calls and it's Dino who takes care of it. If something needs fixing at her house, it's Dino who takes care of it. He takes care of friends, family, co-workers. It's who he is. Jesus, have we forgotten the night he was at Karen's trying to fix her hot water heater.

I'm torn now. Is he keeping his options open, keeping the door of this relationship open, or is it something different?

Is it possible that the man just doesn't know how to break up?

I can understand the ex wife thing. They were together for 17 years, they have children together. And he does do things for her, but he also bitches to high heaven about her. The Karen thing I still haven't figured out. But I think I'm getting a clue.

He doesn't know how to break up. He still wants to be a friend, to help with things, to maintain a relationship albeit a different one. Karen takes the little things, the being helpful, the fixing things as a sign that he really loves her and will be back. Yeah, read that last sentence again.

Is it possible that I'm becoming Karen sans the stalkerish behavior? The mere thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't know. Honestly, I'm tired of having to say that. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of the million and 2 things that swirl in my brain on a daily basis. I'm just plain fucking tired.

My computer is still fucked up. Actually, now BOTH of my computers are fucked up. It is entirely possible I won't have a computer at home this weekend. Because, yanno, my life doesn't suck enough right now, I need to deal with THAT too.

I'm at Cumby's all weekend and my back has been acting up all week. I can only imagine how it's going to feel after 2 9 hours days on my feet. On my feet in god knows what fucking shoes because my sneakers are at Dino's. Yeah. Nice.

I could sit here and type, and put the thoughts in my head down on paper all day. Sadly, I don't have time. I have to go back to the world of w'2's and taxes, and 62 other things that clients want/need right now. I have to put on my happy face and work and get through the day.

Again.

Day 7 3/4

2007-01-11T12:40:00.000-07:00

The letter I'll nevah send.

Yanno, I hung up the phone with you, and I thought, what the fuck. And really I shouldn't think what the fuck because, as you pointed out to me, I'm the one who said "do me a favor and check in every couple of days so I know you're ok" Yep. That was me. I said it. Perhaps it's true what they say about hindsight being foresight. Who knew.

So I'm sitting here and I'm thinking and I'm fuming, and really I don't have time to sit here and think and fume because I have fucking work to do. But honestly, I can't stop my mind right now because I'm trying to figure out why that phone call pissed me off so much. I think I have it, I could be wrong, lord knows in the past week I've learned I was probably wrong about a lot of things.

You don't have the right, no, I take that back, you don't have the PRIVLEDGE of fixing things for me. You don't get just to make a phone call and say call my cell if you need my disk. You gave that option up. You walked away, without so much as a fucking look back. You CHOSE to give it up. You CHOSE to give me up. And you know what? I'm pissed about it. Oh, don't get me wrong, I'm sure that somewhere, buried under my current state of anger, the hurt is still there. And frankly, at this point, I don't know which is worse. The hurt that just doesn't fucking end, or the anger that makes me want to just scream STOP IT.

I close my eyes, and I see you walking out the door Wednesday morning. I see the look that was on your face. That morning, when I saw that look, I thought "shit, this poor guy is just beside himself and lost". Now, I close my eyes and I see that look and I think "that fucking asshole was having buyers remorse". He's thinking shit, now I really fucked up because she's going to think I still care about her. That's not a problem today. I don't think that you care about me.

Day 7 1/2

2007-01-11T11:45:00.000-07:00

What the fuck.

So, I'm sitting at work, actually working because it's fucking January and my desk is buried and people are CONSTANTLY bringing me shit that they need now and they're telling me that their employee's are asking about when they will get their W'2's and I really want to look them in the eye and tell them nevah but instead I smile and say in a week, but I digress.

I'm sitting at work and my cell phone rings. It's Dino. I grab the phone and a butt and I head outside.

Hi

Hi, I'm just doing what you suggested and calling to say hi. I came outside to take a walk and get some fresh air. What's up?

Not much, busy at work

Still slamming - yeah i'll be slamming until April but in some ways it's good it gives me something to focus on.

Then somehow the conversation went to I stopped last night and bought a new hard drive, yada yada, it was late so I'll go home tonight and put it in. He said but you need the disk, told him I scoffed one from work etc.

We talked a couple of minutes about what I needed to do, in terms of the computer. Then he said to me.

Ok, I have the kids tonight so I'll be around dropping them off/picking up at dance and wrestling and then I'll be home. If you need the disk I have, just call my cell and I'll bring it to you.

I said ok

He said all right then, take care of yourself

Bye

Yanno, I don't know how I'll feel in an hour.

One second, one minute, one hour, one day.

I do know this. At this moment I'm feeling angry. No. Really. FUCKING ANGRY

How dare you call my cell phone and make small talk. How dare you have a discussion with me about taking care of my computer. You don't have that right anymore. You lost that right. You threw that fucking right away. You threw me away.

Fuck you.

(re adjusting panties that are wadded into a big ass bunch)

I guess I'm still in the anger stage of grief.

Day 7

2007-01-11T07:12:00.000-07:00

I thought a long time about the title today.

I saw him, we talked, do I stop the numbers?
Do I keep them going until I'm done?
If I keep them going until I'm done, will they evah stop?

Don't know.
Don't know.
Don't know.

Today, I'm still on numbers. This second, this minute, this hour, I'm still on numbers.

I didn't talk to him yesterday after he left. I can't say I'm shocked by that. Course, given my life the past week there really isn't a lot that shocks me anymore, at least not for any length of time.

Am I going to call him today?
Am I going to e-mail him today?

Don't know
Don't know

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

When I was lying in bed last night I had a million things swirling in my mind. I had blogs in my head, things to write, to say, to get out of my head and onto paper where, maybe, they could find some peace. Some resolve. Some endings.

I'm sure those thoughts of last night are still in my mind, lurking in the corners, hiding in the closets. The deepest thoughts that we hide away because we not only don't want to look those thoughts in the eye, we're not sure we want anyone else too.

I don't have many thoughts to commit to paper today. I'm not sure what they are. They're there, they're calling, they're whispering in the dark. They'll have to whisper a little longer. It's not a closet door I want to open. It's one of those closets that's like the junk drawer in the kitchen. You just keep shoving stuff in it until, finally, one day, you can no longer open the drawer without stuff spilling out ovah the top.

I can't open the closet door today. It's full. Full of thoughts, and skeletons, and remembrances of things long past. If I open the door, even just a little, the force that will follow will be a chain of things I won't be able to stop.

Tomorrow. Tomorrow I'll open the door

One second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time.

Day 6

2007-01-10T07:24:00.000-07:00

Pour a cup of coffee, smoke 'em if you have 'em and get comfy. This could get long.

I left work last night around 6ish. Got home at 6:30 and couldn't stand myself. Really, could not stand being in the same room with me. Right, wrong or indifferent I know me and I know when I HAVE to do something. So I did. I picked up my cell phone and I called him. I could tell by the beeps that he was on another call. His phone went to voicemail, I didn't leave a message. I mean really, what the fuck was I going to say. I knew that he would see the missed call.

He did call me about an hour later. He said that his daughter had been on his phone and on the way to drop her off at her Mom's she said "oh by the way Dad, Deanna beeped in while I was talking to Auntee Lisa. He dropped her off and called me.

We did the usual, how are you, are you ok, I'm trying to figure this all out. He said he was 2 minutes from my house and could he come ovah so we could talk in person. Duh.

Jesus. There was so much in that conversation and it went so many different ways and back and forth and forth and back and honestly, I don't know where to start with it. So if this gets hard to understand, I apologize, I'm still trying to understand.

I was right about the phone message he left me last Thursday night. Karen was standing right there, and he did make that phone call just to try and calm her down and shut her up. His kids were upstairs sleeping and he didn't want to have to call the cops while they were in the house. I get that. He said that it was ugly. It ended with him taking her cell phone and throwing against his living room wall and watching it shatter into a dozen pieces. Then he looked at me and he said "I knew in that moment that I was out of control and losing it. I knew in that moment that it all had to stop" "that is not acceptable behaviour, it's not me to be that out of control, and it's not who I want to be"

I told him that I understand that, but that I feel like I'm not the one doing anything wrong and I'm the one being exiled. Punished as it were. He says he understands that I would feel that way, but it's not his intention. He said he feels like this is his trainwreck and he needs to deal with it and remove me from the situation. We disagree on this point. I feel like I'm already involved and it's not fair to shut me out. He says that as hard as it is, he needs to deal with this and get himself back to square one. I'm trying to understand that. I know that I looked at him last night, and I saw a broken man. I saw a man who is living in a dark place and isn't sure which light to walk into. I've been in that place and as god is my witness, i do not evah wish to be there again. It's not a good place.

I understand that right now he feels totally out of control with everything. In his mind, if he just steps back and starts at square one with

Take care of yourself
Take care of your kids
Take care of your finances

he will be ok. The part that makes it hard for me, and I told him this, is that to me, being in a relationship, being partners means that you deal with the business of life TOGETHER. You help one another. I know he gets that but I also realize that right now, in the place that he is, I'm one more thing to deal with. I don't mean that in a bad way, and I don't think he views our relationship as bad, it just isn't something he can deal with right now and that tears him. Honestly, I almost feel worse for him than I do for me. I don't know if that's good or bad.

There was a lot in that conversation. Some I probably don't remember. I do remember him saying I'm glad you called. I'll always return your phone calls Deanna, you have to know that. I said that it really devastated me that he didn't call or e-mail this whole time. He looked me in the eyes and said "i wanted to. I thought about you everyday. I thought about e-mailing you, or calling you 10 times a day. But I just didn't know what to say. And I know how much I've hurt you, and I don't want to hurt you anymore". He told me that he still has the e-mail I sent him last Friday and that at least once a day he reads the last line.

Remember the look in my eyes when I look at you.

Yes, that did me make cry like a friggin two year old. It is not within me to walk away from this man right now. It just isn't.

So we talked and we talked and we talked. And somehow we ended up on the same couch just holding each other. And I can honestly tell you, that sitting/lying there, with my head on his chest, is the calmest I have felt in days. And I think that, for at least a little while, he got to see a light at the end of the tunnel he's currently in.

He has to deal with Karen. He has to figure out why he doesn't/hasn't put an end to this. And once he figures that out, he has to put an end to it. I know that. He knows that. Holding eachother last night hasn't changed that.

Yes, we did spend the night together. Yes we did fall asleep and wake up in each others arms. Yes, it is the most restful nights sleep either one of us has had in a week.

We cannot just magically go back to where we were a week ago. I know that. He knows that. He knows I know that. It is one second, one minute, one hour, one day at a time. And really, if you think about it, all relationships are. And if you think about it, you realize that often times it is what ends relationships. Forgetting. Forgetting that the sum total of a relationship can be the last words you spoke. I am a lot more peaceful because the last words I spoke do not have to be our phone conversation of last friday morning.

When he left this morning I said to him "do something for me, call me and check in every couple of days." His response "I'll call you later today"

I have no guarantees that that phone call will come. I have no guarantees that if it does come it won't be to say "i can't do this Deanna, I have to just totally walk away"

What I do know is this. Yesterday, I stopped believing. Yesterday I lost my faith that this man loves me. I will not lose that faith again. That doesn't mean that I believe we will be together forever. It means simply that I know I wasn't wrong to put my trust in him. I can trust my judgement.

Day 5 1/2

2007-01-09T14:03:00.000-07:00

I don't know what he's doing. Not a clue. Nada, zilch, el zippo. And you know what? The longer the day goes on, the madder I'm getting. This is just messed up. I mean really. Messed up. I started 5 e-mails to him today and cancelled all of them. Not because I don't want to know the answer, but because I'm too angry to send an e-mail right now. Way to angry.

Someone on another post asked me a question. The question was "where is jeff now?" Yay! A question I know the answer too! Those are few and far between these days.

After we broke up, jeff stayed with a friend and then in a studio for about 3 months. Then he purchased a condo a couple of towns ovah. I haven't spoken to him since January of 2006. It was not a pleasant conversation. It ended with him hanging up on me. Which, he was right to do, I was angry and that is no way to have a conversation. Which is why I'm not calling Dino today or e-mailing him.

I'm angry and that is no way to have a conversation.

Anyhoo, back to Jeff. I'm not too sure what he's up to these days. The mutual friends that we shared don't even see much of him. I believe that he was dating someone for awhile, but I hear through the grapevine that the relationship has ended.

Honestly, I hope he meets the woman of his dreams. I wasn't that woman. He's a nice guy. He deserves to be happy and I hope that someday he manages to be.

Day 5

2007-01-09T05:07:00.000-07:00

"since my phone is still not ringing, I assume it's still not you"

There are 5 states to grief. At least that is what the experts say. I know this, because I googled it. Ayep. I actually googled grief.

1. Denial
2. Anger
3. Bargaining
4. Depression
5. Acceptance

I would like to think that I'm a star student and I get to go right to stage 5. I know that isn't going to happen. I found the list interesting because, to be honest, I do believe I'm sliding into stage 2. Yep, you heard it first, I'm fucking pissed.

I say this because upon waking up this morning, the first thought that crossed my waking mind was "FUCK YOU" Who the fuck does he think he is to do this to me? Seriously, how fucking hard is it to simply pick up a phone, or send an e-mail? It's not hard people, I make phone calls and send e-mails all the time. It's not fucking difficult.

Then I did that thing I always do, I second guessed and I tried to see the other side of it. I'm very good at playing my own devils advocate. And I thought well gee, I DID send that e-mail that said take all the time you need. I did basically say that I would be the dutiful, emotionally strong one and wait patiently. WHAT THE FUCK WAS I THINKING?

You know what? I do, in my heart, belief (still) that he is currently living nine layers of of hell. But here's the kicker, that doesn't excuse his lack of communication with me. He should be smart enough to figure out that I'm living nine layers of hell too. He should be smart enough to pick up a fucking phone, or to send an e-mail.

Over the weekend a good friend asked "So how long are you going to let this go before you contact him". My answer was Tuesday. I don't know my answer was Tuesday it just popped into my head that Tuesday would be the perfect day. Guess what? It's Tuesday and yet it is not the perfect day. He needs to contact me.

I wish I could explain that. Not so much to anyone else other than myself. Today is not the perfect day because I cannot answer the question of "why does he have to contact me first" The way I see it, there are two possible answers. The first being he has to contact me because of the e-mail I sent. I think, and feel free to correct me if I'm wrong, that e-mail said it all. That e-mail said I'll leave you to yourself, call me when you're ready.

The second possible reason is not so simple. Perhaps it's not the perfect day because I'm not ready for the answer. In the past few days I have made the statement "if i could just hear his voice then i would know." I still believe that's true. Only now, I'm not so sure I want to know. It's kind of like all of the stuff, the life, that I have at his house. I don't want it back, at least not right now.

If you go to his house then you would see signs of me. Clothes in his closet, my shoes in his shoe delio, my make up and hair stuff on his vanity. I don't want those things back. If I were to go get them, which I could easily do, then I would be saying I'm done. If he were to drop them off at my house, which he could easily do, then he would be saying he's done. I don't want my stuff back. Not today.

So here is the moral, you REALLY do have to go through all of the stages. Yes, I'm angry today. I'm seriously angry but even given that I'm not ready to yell Uncle. I guess yelling Uncle comes in stage 5.

Day 4

2007-01-08T06:41:00.000-07:00

First off, thank you. Thank you for your phone calls, your e-mails and your comments on this site. I am blessed to have so many friends who care enough to go through this with me. Words are not adequate to express what that has meant to me.

Secondly, a few of you have commented on the titles the past couple of days. Yes, I know that can't go on forever. Yes, I know that sooner or later this has to end. The days are there for me, and there is a *last* number. It's in my mind and I hope that this resolves before we reach that number. Only time will tell. And no, I'm not going to tell you the number. What?

I said yesterday morning that I would do bettah. I didn't. Well, unless you count putting socks on. I did do that. I considered it a major feat. What I did yesterday, was the same thing I did on Saturday. Nothing. Unless you consider wallowing something. I did a lot of that. I'm very good at that! I cannot say that I'm done, in fact, I have no doubt that I'm not done. However, I cannot make it my entire life. I have to work, I have to function, I have to do the things that one does. One foot in front of the other.

Yesterday's prevailing thought:

For a couple of weeks Dino wanted my kids to come to his house and have dinner with us. With our schedules and their schedules it was tough. Last Monday, New Years Day, Ashley had the day off and had no plans. She agree'd to come have dinnah and hang with the old folks. April was in Canada with her boyfriend for the weekend.

Dino made that childs day with a gift. Ashley LOVES Army stuff. Camo's, big camo pants, camo shirts. You name it, she just thinks it's cool. And truth be told, she wears that stuff well. It suits her. Dino and I had been talking about that and I mentioned how I would love to get her a real Field Jacket. He hopped off the couch, went to the basement, and came back with one. His brother was in the Army and gave his to Dino when he became a civilian again. He gave it to Ashley and it is entirely possible that the child slept in it that night :)

We had dinner, we chatted, we hung in the hot tub and relaxed and talked about life, and jobs and being an adult. It was a great evening with my kid. After she left we were sitting on the couch talking. He said to me I'm really glad that she finally came over. You're here all the time and it is important to me that Ashley knows that I'm taking good care of you. I want her to know that when you are here, you're safe. I want her to see where we sleep, and where we relax and watch tv. I want her to know that her mother is always safe with me.

That isn't a man who is playing both sides of the fence. That isn't a man who suddenly had a conversation with his crazy ex and thought "hey, what was I thinkin', I'm in love with Karen!" That is a man who loves me and believes it is his responsibility to take care of me. That is a man who WANTS to take care of me. I can only imagine how heavy that burden must be given the situation with Karen.

I won't pick up the phone today. I won't send an e-mail. He's carrying his burden, and I'll carry mine.

Day 3

2007-01-07T07:40:00.000-07:00

still under siege.

I know many of you check in so let me be the first to tell you, no, I haven't heard from him. Yes, that breaks my heart. I spent yesterday doing nothing. And when I say nothing, I mean nothing. I went from the computer chair, to the couch to stare aimlessly at the tv, and then to bed. I have to do better than that today.

I can't tell a lie my thoughts go back and forth between really believing that he loves me, and is protecting me, and this will end sooner or later, and thinking "wtf I missed the signs again". I go over conversations we've had in my mind, I think back to the times Karen showed up at his house, while I was there, and how he reacted to and talked to her. I keep coming back to the same fucking thing.

I KNOW HE LOVES ME

I admit that he might not know the depths of that right now, but I know it enough for both of us. Which either makes me incredibly wise, or incredibly stupid. Yep, once again, the jury is still out.

I thought about an old BF yesterday and how that relationship ended. This was, oh, a good 10 years ago after I left my kids father and before I met (and then married) my ex(the sequel). His name was Bruce and at the time I met him he was my idea of the perfect man. He was tall (like 6'4" tall) extremely good looking, patient, kind, thoughtful a great lover. The total package. He was the first person that I seriously dated in many, many years, and I must admit, I was head over heels. Not head over heals in love, but head over heals in lust and infatuation.

Anyhoo, about two months into the relationship he left me a voice message. "Hi, I just need some space to think about some things, I'm going to my place up north to go skiing. I'll be home on Friday and I'll call you". He left the message on a Tuesday we had plans to go to dinner that Friday night with some other people. Here's the part of the story I'm not proud of. I FREAKED out. I mean, totally, with reckless abandon, freaked out. I searched on line, I called 411, I spent a good couple of hours tracking down the phone # to his father's cabin up by Sunday River.

Then I pulled a Karen. I started calling. I think I called every hour on the hour for days. At least it seemed that way to me. He never picked up the phone, he never called me during those few days. When Friday came I got up, I showered and I headed to his house. Yeah, not a good move. When I got to his house and he opened the door, I have no doubt that the look in my eyes was something akin to how a rabid animal looks. Yes. It was that bad. I swear to you, when I saw the look in his eyes, when he saw the look in my eyes, I knew I was toast.

We went inside, but to be honest, I don't remember much of what happened. The part I do remember is this. Him saying "jesus I don't know what's gotten into you, but I can't deal with it". And I remember me, shamlessly begging. Yes, you heard that correct. Begging.

It's hard to put that on paper. It's even harder to know that people I respect, and care about, will read it. But I put those feelings aside and I tell it for a reason.

During those few days, when I was calling non-stop and then later when I was driving to his house, I had this feeling in the pit of my stomach. And sitting on my shoulders were the proverbial devil and the angel. The one side of me said "self - the man needed to clear his head in the mountains for a couple of days, let him have his space, let him come back to you when he's ready". The other side said "self, this is nuts! GO AFTER HIM, tell him how much you care".

Now here's the thing. I knew that I should let him just go and be. I knew that calling, and then driving over there was the wrong thing. I knew that the feeling in my gut was telling me to just stop. I didn't listen.

I will never know if things would have been different with Bruce if I had just done nothing. It's possible that he could have come home that Friday, and he could have called me, and we could have gone to dinner and be married today. It's also possible that he could have come home, called me and said "honey, I'm just not that into you."

I will never know.

This is what I do know. I have to listen to my gut. My gut right now is telling me to believe what's in my heart. My gut is telling me that this will, eventually, end. My gut is telling me that the nine levels of hell I'm currently living will end eventually and Dino and I can move on.

The Hostage Crisis Day 2

2007-01-06T05:23:00.000-07:00

I honestly feel like a hostage.

I'm held hostage by Karen who just wants me locked away and out of sight.

I'm held hostage by Dino because I can't stand the thought of what he is feeling and going through right now.

I'm held hostage by my own emotions of utter and total despair.

It seems funny to me that in some ways I'm more concerned about him than I am myself. I know this will come as a shock to some of you, but I'm really a pretty self-absorbed selfish person No. Really. I am. I try not to be, but in truth, it's who I am. It's who I've always been.

Outside of my children, I cannot think of a time where I was more concerned for someone else than I was for me. In this instance, I think I am more concerned for him than I am for me. Don't get me wrong, I'm concerned for me too. I laid in bed last night thinking "ok, how the fuck am I going to get through this one?" I don't know the answer beyond just keep putting one foot in front of the other.

Dino related a story to me once. After his divorce 7 years ago, that he did not want, he was a mess. He sat on the front steps of his house, with his Dad, and his Dad offered this advice:

You can and you will get through this. You have to do 3 things:

Take care of yourself
Take care of your children
Take care of your finances

Do those three things, in that order, and the rest will fall into place.

I'm going to post that on my bathroom mirror and remind myself of those three things everyday. It's good advice.

I could be wrong, lord knows I've been wrong before, but I honestly don't believe that Dino is suddenly back with Karen and living La Vida Loca. I don't for one minute believe that he is suddenly madly in love with her and happy. I believe that, in this case, he is just as much a hostage as I am. And I would find a way to move mountains to release him if I could. I can't. He has to free himself. Just as I have to free myself.

So i've been

2007-01-05T16:04:00.000-07:00

thinking about this all day. Big shock I know.

I've been thinking about my feelings and about the universe and about other relationships in my life.

Jeff came to mind instantly. For those of you who aren't aware Jeff was my live in BF after I divorced my ex (the sequel) We broke up a year ago, and although I dated during that time, and had a relationship that continued for about 5 months, I can honestly say I didn't experience being in love in that time.

Here's what had me thinking about Jeff. Jeff and I met thru my ex(the sequel). They were friends. Pretty much best friends. He was always kind to me, always thoughtful, always would shake his head at how my ex(the sequel) would treat me. Anyhoo, my ex(the sequel) and I did the dance of the long good bye. A very long, very slow, very painful dance goodbye. I finally had had enough in august, but before then, I had called in quits in February. I made that decision in January and found and rented an apartment. During that time, Jeff and I became closer. I knew that he had feelings for me and wanted to be with me, and I had grown to have feelings for him and wanted to be with him as well. During the dance of the long goodbye we spent many night, sitting in a bar, talking about our lives, our relationships etc.

When I announced that I had rented the apartment Jeff was ecstatic. Truth be told I was too. Then my ex (the sequel) fell to his knees hugging my legs and professing his undying love and how he would change, and how he would go to counseling and how we would make this marriage work. I knew that night, that he professed all of that, that in the end, the outcome would be the same. Even with that knowledge, I stayed. I stayed out of guilt, I stayed out of a sense of obligation, I stayed because I took vows that I believed in. I stayed because I looked at this man, whom I had once loved, and I couldn't stand the look of abandoment in his eyes.

I remember the day that Jeff came to my office and I had to tell him. It was painfull to say the least. He looked me in the eyes, and he said to me "Deanna, I care about you, I will always care about you. I will respect whatevah your wishes are. But know this. Leopards don't change their spots."

I knew that he was right, I also knew that I had to give that marriage one last shot.

For the next 6 months I would see him on occassion. He would be at the bar and we would make small talk. He would stop by my office and say "hey, just wanted to say hello and see how you're doing"

He respected my decision, what I had to do, and in hindsight, he never stopped loving me. When I moved into my condo 6 months later he was right there helping me.

Perhaps I cut Dino slack because I understand where he is. I understand being between a rock and hard place. I understand feeling a sense of obligation and not knowing how to take the pain out of someone's eyes. Someone with whom you have shared a part of your life. Someone that you, at one time, once loved.

Jeff loved me enough to sacrafice his own feelings to give me what I needed.

Dino deserves the same thing. And I love him enough to give it to him no matter what the cost to me is.

The E-mail that I

2007-01-05T11:41:00.000-07:00

just sent.

"I just need to tell you a couple of things.

My head is spinning because honestly, I don't know where this is coming from. The message from last night, the phone call this morning. Truth be told, I don't even recall what you said to me this morning I think I was in too much shock.

I do know this: I love you and for as long as I'm going to be on this earth I will never doubt that you love me.

What I'm hearing is that you need/want/have to deal with/finish with Karen.

As much as that breaks my heart, I accept it. Saying that I accept it doesn't come easily. If truth be told, it's one of the hardest things I've ever had to say. But I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt that it's what I have to say and do.

You told me to give you time, to give you space, and I love you enough to respect and honor that request. Regardless of how difficult it may be.

I'm here, and I'll always be here. Don't ever doubt or forget that Dino. And if you momentarily do, then remember one thing.

Remember the look in my eyes when I look at you.

D

And with that, I leave it to the universe.

I've done what I can, and I've told him what's in my heart. The rest is up to him.

I don't know where to begin

2007-01-05T07:50:00.000-07:00

I don't know where to begin with this story. This story sounds funny, this story is my life.

There is a lot more to the whole ex girlfriend stalker. It has always been more than a minor annoyance. She calls Dino's cell phone constantly. Usually it starts at around 9 at night and it goes on until mindnight when she finally passes out. Most nights, once he checks in with his kids, he turns the phone off. Course, that does not prevent her from filling up his voice message.

As I think I told you, she showed up at his house NYE. We got rid of her, we made the best of it, but once again, there it was. She made threats against me NYE, and she has come into Cumby's when I'm working. I told him that on NYE. The past couple of weeks, it has been me comforting him. He kept expressing concern about putting me in the middle of all of this, about how much I put up with to deal with him yada yada. Yes. It IS a lot to put up with. Putting up with it was a CHOICE I made. I made it because I love this man. From the bottom of my heart, to every fiber in my being, I love this man. And I KNOW, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that he loves me. Not because he utters the words but because I FEEL it. I feel it when he looks at me, when he touches me, when I hear his voice on my cell phone saying "hey baby". I KNOW THIS.

I woke up at 6:30 this morning to a phone call from Dino. I didn't see him last night, he always has his kids on Thursday night and I usually stay at my house to catch up, do laundry etc, and to let them have an evening together without me. Not spending Thursday nights together is usual for us. We talked on the phone, we discussed our weekend plans, it was all very normal. Until the phone call this morning.

He told me that he had left a message on my cell late last night. The message was "Karen came over tonight, we talked, I think we're going to try and work things out, you've done nothing wrong Deanna, if you need to talk to me in person that's fine". He called this morning saying he needs it all to stop. It's nothing I've done, he needs a day or two to stop it all and to figure out what's going on yada yada. Please be ok, please just give me some time, I feel like I'm going crazy and I need to make it stop. I need this to get better and it isn't, I need to figure out how to make this just get better.

Quite frankly, I was to numb to say much of anything except oh my god Dino what the fuck. I hung up with him, and I listened to that voice message from last night. I honestly believe that she was standing there when he made that call, and he made that call to protect me. I honestly think that, once again, she was threatening harm to me and that was all he knew to do to get her to calm down and stop. I do NOT believe for one fucking nano second believe that he is getting back together with this woman. He does NOT love her, he FEARS her. He fears what she will do to me.

For whatevah reason, this fucking lunatic knows how to emotionally blackmail him. She knows exactly what buttons to push, she knows how to drive him insane. As I drove to work this morning so many friggin things ran through my mind. And the more I think about it, the more I realize that there is really only one thing I can do. Give him what he asked for. Time to make it all stop. That, and for those of you who know me know this to be true, will be the hardest thing I have ever done in my entire fucking life. I am not good at time and waiting. I am not good at being patient. I am not good at not knowing what is up and what is down and what is black and what is white. I am a "i need to know NOW" person. I know in my heart, that that is not possible in this situation. It is NOT in my control. None of this is in my control save two things.

Trust and faith. I trust him. I have faith in him. I can't explain that. I can't explain why this man has allowed me the ability to give him parts of myself that haven't seen the light of day in 20 fucking years. I can't explain why I know he is doing what he has to do. Dealing with Karen, ending this bullshit with Karen once and for all. And keeping me safe while he does so. I cannot explain why I know this. I only know that I do. I only know that as hard as it's going to be, I'm going to do it.

Hello 2007

2007-01-03T07:54:00.000-07:00

Dayum. Another year and I sweaha I don't know where the time goes. I remember when it was about to be 2000 and we all worried about computers. Where did 7 years go?

I've nevah been a huge fan of NYE. I always seem to have really crappy ones. A few years ago on NYE I totalled my car. A year before that I spent argueing with my then husband. The list goes on and on.

SG was aware of that and we decided to spend a quiet evening at home. We almost made it. We had to go out early to drop his daughter off at a party, then we hit the Pocket for a drink and then home. We weren't home 15 minutes when we heard the car pull in the driveway. Guess who? Pyscho stalker strikes again. Oy. At this point, the crap she pulls is just a minor annoyance that we've both come to expect. I no longer let pyscho girl cause me angst. She's far to pathetic to allow her to have any kind of control ovah my emotions.

I KNOW SG is with me. I KNOW SG is not seeing her behind my back. I KNOW I can trust him with my life. I KNOW that he loves me. In some ways Pyscho girl is almost a good thing. It has forced us into dealing with a difficult issue together. And in dealing with a difficult issue, we've both learned a lot more about each other. I don't view that as a bad thing.

Pyscho girl has a pattern that recycles about every 3 months. NYE was the top of the cycle. She'll probably be pretty quiet now until around March. March is when our birthday's occur. We're getting out of dodge that night :)

Another year

2006-12-27T07:26:00.000-07:00

is almost gone. I sweaha, I simply do not know where the time goes.

It seems only yesterday it was summer and now another Christmas has come and gone.

I hope you all had a fabulous holiday with lots of family and gifties. Gifties are always good!

SG was a good boy, a very good boy. And my daughters were far to generous. Dayum but I raised some amazing women :)

So, another year. I was thinking about that the other day. I don't so much believe in the whole making resolutions deal, but I do think it's good to sit back once in a while and evaluate where you are, and where you want to be.

If you had told me a year ago what was ahead, I would have said pfffttttt, you're crazy :) That's the beauty, and sometimes the despair, of the future. You just nevah know.

A year ago I was trying to figure out how I ended up where I was. Jeff and I had broken up, I was unsure financially, I was miserable in my job, and truth be told, I felt totally alone. It's true what they say about time healing all wounds. It does. Sometimes it takes awhile, but time really is a healer, and if you're smart time can also be a teacher.

I've learned a lot ovah the past year. A lot about myself, a lot about being financially responsible and a lot about sometimes making hard decisions. I've learned that while the universe doesn't always give us what we want, it always gives us what we need.

To take a bit of advice from Steve Jobs:

Take a moment today. Take a moment and ask yourself this question: Am I happy and fulfilled in my life? If the answer is no, then become proactive. Do something to change your answer to yes.

This weeks rant

2006-12-22T07:22:00.000-07:00

Customers.

They suck. Yes, yes they do.

Let me explain a couple of things to all of the customers out there. Just because I'm standing in a convience store behind a register, it does NOT make your time more valuable then mine. If you wish to make a purchase, at my register, GET OFF YOUR FUCKING CELL PHONE. I do not need to hear you discuss your mother's 2nd cousins daughter's babies daddy! I do not need to hear you argue with your wife. I do not need to hear you have phone sex with your mistress.

People who come to your register while talking on a cell phone consistently do two things. They do not speak to you, they grunt at you. They do not hand you money, they throw money at you. I hate to burst everyone's bubble, but let me tell you something, IT'S RUDE. Yes, you heard me. It's RUDE. I may be a lowly cashier at friggin Cumby's but I have feelings people! Sniff.

Next on the hit list. Stupid people. There are a lot of you out there. Here's a tip. When you go to a pre-pay gas station, and you are going to inside to pay for your gas. LOOK AT THE NUMBER OF THE FUCKING PUMP YOU ARE ON. I'm inside of the store. It's dark outside. I don't know what pump you're on, and frankly, I don't fucking give a shit. I am not going to leave my register and press my nose up against the storefront window to scan the lot for your red audi and then figure out what pump it is. Newsflash, if you want gas it is YOUR responsibility to tell me what pump you are at. If you don't know, sucks to be you. I am NOT your pump monkey.

Next, I know this will shock you but I don't find your child to be the cutest little darling on the planet. Your adorable 4 year old just spend 2 minutes picking his nose, I prefer he not be the one to hand me money. First of all, I shudder to think where this childs hands have been, and secondly, he's 2 fucking feet tall and the counter is 4 feet. I do not need to throw my back out leaning ovah because Joey wants to pay the lady. You know what? Joey just wants his fucking slushie he could give a shit less about paying the lady. And the 6 people behind you don't think Joey is cute either. They want to pick little Joey up by the collar and get him out of the way.

Mumblers. G'ah! Listen, I'm standing in front of a register that beeps everytime a car pulls into a gas pump. There are 16 gas pumps, do the math, there is a whole lot of beeping going on. SPEAK UP. It's noisy, I'm old and partially deaf and if I don't hear you the first time then you'll get whatevah brand of ciggies I feel like giving you. You make the choice.

When I say "can I see some ID" do NOT respond with "are you kidding?" Do I fucking look like I'm kidding? Do you think I ask people for ID for kicks? I don't. I ask because you look 12. When you don't have an ID, don't even start with me. No ID, no sale, end of story. Do not stand there and explain to me that you really are 21 but you left your license at your best friends mother's house and she went away for the weekend and now your license is locked in her house and you really need this beer because you promised all of your friends you would bring a case to the party and now everyone will be mad at you. I DON'T CARE. Now scat!

And lastly, ok really I could go on all day but I have shit to do. Lastly, would if kill you to say thank you once in awhile? Do you think I enjoy standing on my feet for 8 hours after I've already worked 8 hours? I don't, but you know what, I still put on my happy face and smile and politely ask "will that be all". How fucking hard would it be for you to offer a simple thank you?
I'll tell you, NOT hard. Not hard at all. Just do it people.

In closing, to all those of you who will be shopping the next couple of days. BE NICE. Yes, I understand your under the gun, I understand the pressures of the Holiday's are reaching the boiling point. I understand that you're still trying to figure out what to by Aunt Bessie. Guess what? The people waiting on you are worried about the same things except they won't get to finish their shopping until you finish yours. So when you're out and about the next couple of days, smile and say thank you to a cashier. It will be the best gift you give this season. Honest.

There is nothing bettah

2006-12-18T05:31:00.000-07:00

than a proud Mama moment.

Let me tell you a little bit about the youngest Twenchette (aka Ashley) Like all children who are learning to become adults, this one gave me a run for my money sometimes. As SG will attest, she is her mother's daughter. SG always likes to say "dayum that girl has some moxey", and he's right, she does. She'll tell you where the dog died, what he died from, and how it just might be your fault :). Truth be told, I LOVE that she can be so passionate.

Most children around the age of 15 or so are chomping at the bit to get a license, get a job, and become more independent. Not Ash. Ash was of the mindset that work was a four lettah word and should be avoided at all costs. Now don't get me wrong, she's always been a HUGE help around the house. She'll pick up, do the dishes, organize the kitchen cabinets and the child can put together furniture like no one's business. But she was always happy to be at home, with VH1 playing in her own safe little world. When her sister and I would ask her what she was going to eventually do her standard response was "i'm going to buy a van and live in Mom's driveway" For awhile, I thought she might.

Once she did get her license she had to enter the real world and get a J.O.B. Car's require gas and gas costs money doncha know. She got a job at D'angelo's where her sister had worked. Her sister was a shift leader there for probably a year. Her sister ends up a shift leader wherevah she works. April is good at work. She always has been because she thrives on it.

I cannot tell a lie, I was concerned. Concerned because I wasn't sure how this child, who was such a homebody, would do in the work environment. Concerned that pressure would be put on her to be her sister. She's not her sister. She is herself, I happen to love who she is, but one never knows if other people will see in her what I see. I'm happy to say, they do :)

When Ash started working at D'angelos a few months ago, some big changes had taken place. They brought in all new managers and most of the crew that was there left. She pretty much started with people who were all new. As a result, except for the managers, all the people were on the same level playing field. Now that a few months have passed management has had time to assess people, and promote someone to shift leader. Guess who got the shoulder pat?

Uh huh. You guessed it. Ashley. I don't know what makes me prouder, the fact that she went in there kicked ass and took names, or the fact that when she told me you could feel the excitement and the pride she felt. You could feel her aha moment when she realized that she is good at this whole work thing and that's not a bad thing.

I'm bursting with pride for this kid. Partly because she clearly has done a great job at her first work experience, and partly because, just like her sister before her, she is maturing into a wonderful young adult. After many sleepless nights wondering if I did the right things raising this child, I can sleep peacefully now. Be it because of me or in spite of me, she is in fact growing into a woman in her own right.

It's a double edged sword. As a parent you always want your kids to grow up and do well, but when they do that, they always step away from you a little. They grow up, they learn to make good decisions and they become an adult who no longer really needs a parent. We still talk, and we have discussions about things that need to be done etc., but it's not as much a parent/child discussion as it is a discussion between an older more experienced adult, and a young adult who sometimes needs advice.

Twenchette has learned to fly. And I couldn't be prouder of her.

This weeks rant.

2006-12-13T07:57:00.000-07:00

The Gas Co. The evil, no good, scum sucking sonofabitch Gas co.

I FUCKING HATE THEM.

Yes, you heard that corrrectly.

I FUCKING HATE THEM WITH THE PASSION OF 1000 BURNING SUNS.

I came home Monday morning (yeah, yeah doin' the walk of shame from sg's) and realized my house was pretty friggin cold. Check the thermostat, crank it up, and wonder why no heat seems to be kicking on. Go downstairs check the furnace. Pilot light is on, furnace is running, yet I have no heat coming out of my baseboards. Grrrr. Not how I want to start a Monday.

So, I did what any self respecting woman would do. Call the man. He has me check a few things, talks to the guys at work, and they all say it's probably a circulator pump but I have to start with Gas Co. Fine. I call the Gas Co. In hindsight, that was mistake numbah one.

I finally, after 62 friggin prompts where I have to push #1 on my phone, get a human. Well, she was human, but she was also a bitch. I tell her I have no heat, yada yada and I need someone to come out. She tells me she has an opening between 12 and 4 but I owe them $80 and she can't schedule me service until I pay it. Jigga what? Listen, not for nothing, I sent these fucking leeches $450 bucks on 11/20/06 and now they tell me they won't send someone out until I pony up another $80? Whatevah, at least the fact that my blood is boiling is keeping me warm becauase yanno, I HAVE NO FUCKING HEAT. So, being as I really need heat, I call the payment line, fork ovah $80, and call back to grab the appointment for that afternoon.

Now what really kills me is that the woman who put me on the service call list acted as though she was doing me a HUGE favor. Um, you're not doing me a favor sweetheart, you're doing your job. And oh, by the way, I PAY FOR GAS. When I have no heat, it's your FUCKING JOB to send someone to my house. Besides, you're going to charge me a MINIMUM of $100 for sending some idiot to my house. But I digress.

What time did the gas guy show up you ask? 5;30 in the PM. Yep. 1 1/2 hours beyond the time frame I was given. They were running behind dontcha know. Fucking fruiters.

Now, after wasting an entire day at home I have to work at Cumby's for 5. Luckily for me, SG offered to come and take over so I could go to work that night. In hindsight, a good thing. If I had been there with the gas man it would have been ugly and he would have left with visible marks. Gas guy shows up, bleeds the lines, says sorry it's the circulator pump. Can't help you. You need a plumber. I know a plumber, but it's after hours and it'll cost you. Get your own plumber. Good luck and here's your bill for $90, we'll charge your account.

I HATE THE GAS COMPANY

Now it's 6:15, I'm stuck at Cumby's and there's no heat in my house. The only plumber I know, just happens to be Jeff's best friend. Yeah, I want to call him a year later. And I know I'm not going to get anyone to come out until Tuesday morning, and I've already missed Monday and I do NOT have time for this shit. Once again, SG came to my rescue. Are you seeing a pattern here? Yes, I thought you would.

His son's baseball coach has his own plumbing business and he called for me. Then he met the guy, went to my house, changed all the parts that needed changing and restored heat to my house. I swear this man is a saint. He had plans to go shopping for the night and instead spent the evening taking care of my crap. And you folks wonder why I'm so enamored :)

Yes, I did call the gas co on Tuesday to bitch about the service charge, I basically got "we haven't billed you yet and you can't dispute it until we do". Translation: "I don't want to deal with you, call back latah". Fear not. I will, indeed, call back once the charge hits my bill. Yes. Yes I will. I pity the person that gets that call. The revolution starts now muthafuckahs.

Now this is what really pissses me off. What happened to that nice little demonopilization delio in this country? Did we not enact laws so that companies couldn't have you ovah a barrel? I swear I read about it. No. Really. I did. I do read. I understand that the feds regulate natural gas prices, I know because Katie Couric once said so on the TV, and c'mon, Katie is way to perky to lie. Therefore, it must be true.

Here's the thing, the fucking gas co STILL has me ovah a barrel. Why? Because there is only one gas co that can service my house. So fine, the feds set the price of what they can charge, but the feds cannot regulate attitude, and service charges, and policies. The feds can do nothing when I call and get a snotty cuntessa on the phone who really doesn't give a shit what I need. This doesn't seem right to me. I'm calling my friend Mags and starting a revolution. No one is better at starting revolutions than Mags.

The Gas Co. bettah look out!

I'm glad you're home

2006-12-11T05:21:00.000-07:00

That's what I heard last night when I got to SG's after work yesterday. And the even scarier part, being with him is home. Yes, you can all insert the shocked faced emoticon dude here. Truth be told, somedays, he scares the evah lovin shit out of me. Not because he's scary, but because my feelings for him scare the shit out of me. I'm fast reaching the point that I can't even imagine not seeing him in the morning and again at the end of the day. Ok, I lied. I'm already at that point. G'ah!

Listen, I've been on this carousel before and so there is always this little voice in the back of my head screaming "danger Will Robinson danger". I suppose that's just the jaded side of me, but the truth is, when you allow yourself to care about someone that much, you're taking a HUGE risk. You're taking the risk that your heart can be broken, and frankly, at my age, I don't heal as quickly as I once did. I don't know at what point this stopped being a slutty moment, and started being a relationship.

I know the night I laid on his couch waiting for him to come home was a defining moment. I know because I laid there for I don't know how many hours thinking "please don't let it be what I'm thinking". And I can't tell a lie, when she calls his cell phone, or sends him an e-mail, it makes the hairs on the back of my neck stand up. There's the one side of me that gets that relationship. The fact that he won't just walk away from a person he cared about is one of the things I love about him. And I get the whole emotional connection because the truth is, I do the same thing with my ex (the sequel) But there is also the scared, insecure part that thinks "shit, he could go back to her". The rational part of me can deal with that. The irrational part, not so much. Yeah, I know, I have issues.

So I was laying on the couch, watching tv last night, and he was on the couch next to me sleeping and I looked over at him and thought, when the hell did this happen? When did I let my guard down long enough to fall in love with this guy. Yes, you read that correctly. I've been telling myself for weeks that it's lust, it's infatuation, it's just having fun. Don't get me wrong, I do have fun with him. But that's not it. And I do have lust, a lot of lust , but it's not that. It's the whole stupid friggin package. It's the fact that when I see him, the worst day suddenly doesn't matter. It's the fact that even when I'm being me, and wigging out (as my kids would say) he just smiles and says "honey, do I need to get the big net". It's the fact that he knows who I really am, and he cares about me in spite of it.

He makes me a better person than I am.

Ah...

2006-12-07T15:51:00.000-07:00

a night off. Ok, it's not really a night off because I'm labeling some calander delio's for a friend of mine. The realtor dude. He sends them out every year and I do the labeling and stuffing and whatnot for a couple of hundred bucks. Hey, it's easy money :)

Being the smaht woman I am, I shall do them at SG's house because you know he'll help. Bwaaahaaahaaaa. I'll let him take his fee out in trade.

I actually panicked today when I realized how close Christmas is. I have not purchased one gift. Not one. I see power shopping in my immediate future. G'ah! At this point, I'm not so much worried about the financial aspect as I am the time aspect. Time, as in, I don't have any. I figure one night next week after my first job, when I'm not working my second job, I'll shop my little heart and wallet out. Yeah, that's what I'll do.

Then there is the dilema of what to get SG. I have no friggin clue. What do you get a man that you've been dating for two months? I mean, dating for two months, but for all intents and purposes I live at his house. I stop by mine once a day to get clean clothes. I actually ended up with so many clothes ovah there that he did my laundry this weekend. I have no idea what to get himNone, nada, zilch. And don't tell me steak and a BJ. That's not a gift item. We're still in the, that's an everyday occurance phase.

What?

It's official...

2006-12-06T07:37:00.000-07:00

I'm pathetic.

Why you ask? Well I'll tell you.

I worked last night. Because I got out so late, it's easier to go to my house as it's 5 minutes away. SG's house is 20 minutes away. So, I went home and crawled into bed to get some sleep before I do it all again today. Was I exhausted after a 16 hour day? Totally. Did I sleep? Nope.

Why you ask. Well I'll tell you.

I didn't sleep because SG wasn't snuggled up against me. I tossed and turned all night and tried hugging the pillow at least 62 different ways. It wasn't the same. And, the cat snores and SG doesn't. So I tossed and turned, and turned and tossed and at 7:30 this morning my phone went off.

Why you ask. Well I'll tell you.

It was SG calling to tell me he slept like shit because I wasn't there snuggled up next to him

At the risk

2006-12-04T08:07:00.000-07:00

of angering the Karmic Gods

I'm happy. I'm happy, I'm content and I'm loving life right now.

Yep, you heard it here first, I have no complaints.

My mortgage is now paid current. I have a couple of tough months still to get caught up on some other things, and keep my mortgage current, but I can do it. I can. I will.

I work a gazillion hours, but at the end of the day, SG has my sweats and a loverly dinnah waiting for me.

I have two great kids, 3 great cats, and a boyfriend who make me feel like a queen at least 6 times a day.

Life is good. Very, very good

PSA

2006-11-30T11:02:00.000-07:00

Redbull and slimfast do not make for a good breakfast.

We now return to our regularly scheduled programming.

It's Hump Day

2006-11-29T07:21:00.001-07:00

Ok, not really because I work pretty much 7 days but it makes me feel bettah to *think* it's hump day.

For all those of you who don't believe Karma exists, I have a little story for you.

SG and I were in the Pocket ovah the weekend (big shock). The Puppy was also in there. As was the chick he dumped me for. The girl he left with that fateful evening was there with a guy who was clearly much younger than The Puppy. She was hanging all ovah the new guy and it was pretty clear that The Puppy was noticing. Poor, poor sad little puppy.

I decided that when it rains it should pour. When I knew The Puppy was watching I leaned in and gave SG a kiss. A loonnngggggg, slowwwww kiss. Was that wrong? Probably, but damn it felt good Karma rules

I'm still of the mindset that I made the right decision to believe/trust SG. I can't say I haven't had a few moments of self-doubt, but he gets that and holds my hand through it. He says he understands how much that hurt me, and that I have every right to be a little leary. What can I say, I honestly believe the guy is telling me the truth. Time will tell, it always does.

My big issue right now is time management. With working so much, and spending all of my free time with SG my house is friggin disaster. My cats are beginning to think I no longer live there. I had some time over Thanksgiving and I should have been home cleaning and getting things caught up there. Of course, me being me, I didn't do that. D'oh! We did go to my house for part of the time. SG fixed my toilet, took out all the trash for trash day, fixed my computer, drained the outside hoses and turned off the outside water. He's definately a handy guy. Yay!

While I was at work on Saturday he had to hit the store to return something. In it's place he purchased some lingerie. The man has good taste. Very good taste.

When did

2006-11-27T07:27:00.000-07:00

that happen?

I cooked Thanksgiving dinnah for my daughters. April came with her BF and Ashley invited her best friend. So there we were, sitting around the table eating and laughing and talking. April was sitting across from me. I don't what sparked it, but I look across the table at her and it hit me. My daughter is an adult. When the fuck did THAT happen? I have come to the realization that it may be true, what my children say, I'm old. I mean, if my child is an adult, then I'm no longer a spring chicken. Given that time stands still for no one, it would stand to reason that if she has aged enough to be an adult, I have aged as well. G'ah!

I cannot tell a lie, looking at her, and realizing that she is, indeed, an adult, made me a little sad. While I appreciate that she still sometimes asks my opinion or advice, the truth is, she doesn't need it. She's smart, she's intuitive, she's financially wise beyond her years. She grasps the concept that the world doesn't owe anyone a living. You have to work for what you want/need. The truth of the matter is, she may well be a better adult than her mother.

I'd like to take some credit that she has grown into such a lovely young woman. The truth is that she has matured into who she is through a lot of trial and error. The truth is at 20 years old she's gone through more than some people have gone through at the age of 40. I can honestly say that I'm thankful everyday of my life that she survived to become an adult. Lord knows there were days I wasn't sure that would happen.

I don't always agree with my daughter's choices, but I will always respect them. Why? Because she's an adult and she has earned that respect 10 times over.

It's hard

2006-11-22T07:40:00.000-07:00

to be me. It really is.

Are we ready for our next fun filled drama filled evening?

Buckle up!

So, when we last left off the beau and I had spend a loverly Friday evening out to dinner etc. I came home Saturday to do some laundry etc and was planning on seeing him latah that day. He called me around 4 and said his son's best friend was having a b'day on Sunday and could they have a slumber party at SG's house etc. etc. I was bummed about not seeing him on a Saturday night, but one of the things I love about him is that he's such a great Dad. I dealt with it. I, cannot, however, tell a lie.

Lying in bed Saturday night (alone) a few thoughts when through my mind. Is he really with his kid? Is he out with someone else? I honestly thought about all of you, and how you would all tell me to stop looking for shit. So I pushed it out of my mind. I called him around 9, but he's had some problems with his phone and it went straight to voicemail.

He called me first thing Sunday morning, he came over, we went to brunch, snuggled on the couch and watched the first half of the Patriots game. Then he went home and I got ready to go work at Cumby's 4-midnight. Monday we had dinner, went to his house, watched tv and just relaxed. By Monday night I was telling myself I was silly for evah questioning him. That thought was short lived.

After work on Tuesday I had to go to the store and get all the items to cook Thanksgiving day dinner. After I got all the groceries put away I called him. He was like "hey I drove by the house, and then the pocket, when you weren't at either place I decided to hit the store and then head home". We talked a little, he said he was going to get some stuff done at home, and then would call me. I went to the pocket to hang out with my friends and have a beer. He called me around 7:30 and said he was in his sweats, having a beer and relaxing and did I mind if he just hung out at home. I said no problem, I know you've had a lot of shit going on with kids, home stuff etc. We made plans to have lunch today.

So I finished my beer and I decided I was going to drive to his house and surprise him. The surprise was on me. He wasn't there. I called his cell from his driveway, straight to voicemail. I have the code so I went in. His coat was there, his wallet was on his dresser with his ring and his watch. It doesn't take a rocket scientist to know where he was without a wallet. He was 2 streets over at his pyschotic ex's. By now it's about 9pm and I'm freaking out. I'm sitting on his couch and I'm trying to come up reasons why he would be there. Now I decide that if in fact he's sleeping with this woman, I want to know about it. I don't want to go home and have him be able to tell me, honey I just ran out to the store and I was home at 10. I grab a blanket and settle onto the couch. I'm not going anywhere. One way or another, I'm going to find out what's going on. He got home at 5:20 this morning.

It suffices to say it was a long evening. A very long evening. As I lay on the couch wide awake I struggled to make sense of it. The man is with me 24/7 when we're not working. When he's not with me, he's on the phone with me. How the fuck could he be carrying on with the ex too? But if he's not carrying on with the ex why now? Why tonight? Paranoia set in somewhere around 2am. I said well Deanna, there ya go. Proof positive. Men suck. They lie, they cheat and you just keep falling for it. I thought about how fucking embarrasing it would be to have to come tell you all, that once again, I'm an idiot. I thought about how much I've enjoyed his company the last month and how much I would miss it. I thought about how much, to my dismay, my heart was breaking.

By 4am I was making plans to go to the shelter and adopt a few more cats.

By 5am I was planning on what lipstick I should use to write FUCK YOU on his bathroom mirror.

At about 5:20 I heard the garage door open. I was sitting on the couch, in his direct line of vision when he walked in the door.

His first words "baby what are you doing?" I think I responded with "I could ask you the same question, but I lalready know the answer. Your wallet is here, your coat is here, you could only be one place. Karen's"

He sat down and said your right. I was. It isn't how you think.

Here's the story.

After he talked to me last night he was on-line and she IM'd him. Said the water heater wasn't working and she couldn't figure out how to get it started nor could her son who was there. He's gotten running in the past and he said he would run over there and take a look. After dealing with the water heater they sat in the livingroom and started talking. They talked about the night with the ciops, they talked about her crazy behavior, they talked about their relationship. They talked until probably 3am, cleared the air, gained some closure and he laid down on the couch for a couple of hours. He swears up and down that's all it was. He isn't seeing her again, he isn't sleeping with her. He says as much as he's sorry that it hurt me, and kept me up all night, he's glad they got to talk. He's glad that at least now there is some closure. He thinks they both needed that.

He swears up and down that if he had received my phone message, or known I was at his house, he would have left there immediately and come home. He says if he had known I was going to finish my beer and drive ovah there, he never would have even gone to look at the hot water heater.

He was all Deanna, there's a bouquet of flowers sitting in the kitchen sink that I bought last night to bring to your house this morning before you left for work. There was a bouquet of flowers in the sink. I call you all the time, I'm with you all time, I swear to you there isn't anything sexual going on with Karen.

Let me just say this. I DO grasp the reality of ex's being friends and still maintaining a relationship that isn't sexual. Let us not forget my own demon. My ex (the sequel). I get that. I kept saying to him "put yourself in my shoes" he kept apologizing and saying he would have thought the same thing and he feels horrible that I was lying awake all night thinking about where he was.

God help me. I believe him. I have no explanation for that. The only plausible explanation I can come up with is that it's the universe testing me. Testing my issues with trust. I cannot tell you, given my trust issues, how fucking hard this is. Part of me wants to runaway and just say fuck it. Part of me wants to say guess what buddy, you don't a second chance to make me doubt you. Then there is the part I'm going with. The part that really likes this guy. The part that, quite frankly, is falling in love with this guy.

It seems to me that I have two choices. I can walk away, or I can trust in what he tells me and in doing so, take this relationship to the next level. I'm going with option number 2. We talked a lot about the whole trust this morning, he says he understands where I'm coming from. He says he will NEVER do anything on purpose to make me question that trust and that he knows I'm going to be a little shakey for awhile.

I don't know if I made the right decision, the truth is, only time will tell.

I hope to God I'm not making the wrong decision, if last night is any indication, ending this relationship will leave a mark. A big, ugly, deep mark.

Ahhhhhh...there is

2006-11-18T12:04:00.000-07:00

nothing like sleeping until 10:30 on a Saturday. Especially when you're woken up with a kiss and cup of coffee. I could get used to that.

We had a loverly evening last night. Dinner out, then to a martini bar for a couple of drinks, then to the local bar near his house for a nightcap, then home to the hottub. Sadly, we didn't spend much time in the hottub since it went *poof*. Some kind of electrical thingie that keeps turning it off. SG is home as I type trying to get it fixed. I feel bad that he has to spend part of his Saturday dealing with it.

Here's a tip, don't drink 4 chocolate martini's and then have a beer. The beer on top of all of that heavy cream and chocolate is not good. Not good. Trust me. The only upside is that I didn't wake up with hangovah

I've said it before, and I'll say it again. This guy just keeps getting better and better. Someone may have to take a trip to New Hampstah and slap all of my good senses back into me. Or maybe, for the first time in a long time, I'm finally using my good senses and dating someone who's worth dating. I'm going to go with door #2.

I was driving home from work yesterday, sitting in traffic, and singing along to the radio. If I haven't mentioned it before, here's something you should know. I'm a fucking rock star. No. Really. I. Am. Of course, I'm only a rock star when I'm alone in my car, but still, it counts for something. Anyhoo, I was driving along, or rather sitting and waiting, and singing my little heart out, and it hit me. I'm happy. Oh sure, there are stresses to deal with still, work, kids, bills, cats, cars and on and on. But overall, I'm actually happy. Content. Peaceful. And I thought, well shit, when did that happen? I'm sure it was a gradual thing, I'm also sure that SG has a lot to do with it.

I know, all the feminists out there are rolling their eyes. I don't blame you. Really I don't. The truth is, I am a happier person in a relationship. I don't do as well solo. I can do it. I have done it. But it's nevah going to be my first choice. I like having someone else to partner with. I like knowing that someone is there who's watching my back and vice versa. I like getting into bed at the end of the day, and knowing I can snuggle my back into a warm stomache of the nekkid variety. The cat's warm, but her paw isn't long enough to reach over and pull me closer so it somehow isn't the same.

I think I've spent the last few years fighting that. Trying to prove to myself that it isn't the case. When I divorced my ex (the sequel) and I started dating Jeff I was fighting it. I was in that relationship, but I was nevah in it 100%. I had to prove to myself, and unfortunately him in the process, that I could survive on my own. Here's the thing: I proved it, but the cost was high and if the truth be told, not worth it.

I'm going to try and be smarter this time. I'm going to stop listening to the voices in my head, and start listening to the voice in my heart.

It's Friday!

2006-11-17T07:29:00.000-07:00

And it's an actual Friday for me because I have tonight and tomorrow off. Can I get an Amen!

My cold is but a distant remedy. My prescription:

Sudafed every four hours
Airborne
Play a pool match and lose
Soak in the hottub
Have hot monkey sex

Viola! You wake up a new woman.

So I don't usually see SG (and yes that now stands for Sweet Guy) on Thursday nights because he always spends Thursday nights with his kids. Last night was no exception. I actually enjoy knowing that Thursdays are my free night. I watch Survivor and Gray's Anatomy and eat junk food. Sometimes a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

I have no idea what's up for the weekend beyond sleeping in tomorrow morning. I really need to spend some time at home cleaning and organizing and restocking the cupboards and fridge. Between two jobs and SG I just keep running out of time to do the things that need to be done. Oh sure, I could be an adult and say "honey I can't see you tonight, I have to clean" but c'mon. You people know me, you KNOW that isn't evah gonna happen. When given the choice between fun and responsibility, I'm gonna take the fun every friggin time. I probably should work on that

I could have been responsible last night and done a ton of things around the house. Did I? Of course not. I watched trash tv and ate junk food. Why? Because #1 I deserved a night off to do what I wanted to do, and #2 because I could! Some people would call that selfish, I call it self preservation.

Let's see what else. Ah, I know. Everybidy wave to Walt. HI WALT. Yes, thanks to my adopted daughter who installed my tracker, I can tell you that Walt is still stopping by and reading every now and again. Lucky for him I'm not the kind of women to post things like "oh my god the new guy is such a bettah lovah than that guy I dated all summah". Yep, lucky for Walt I'm not that kinda girl.

I saw Not Relationship Guy the othah day. (get your minds outa the gutter is was a conversation only). It was a nice chat because I haven't really talked to him in a couple of weeks. He said he heard thru the grapevine I was dating SG etc. etc. I have to give the guy credit, he really is a class act. Gave me a kiss on the cheek and said "good for you Deanna, you should be with someone who worships you".

I haven't seen the puppy since he came into Cumby's a week or so ago. Fine by me. I still have urges to roll up the nearest newspaper and swat him. But I'm not bitter. Really. I'm not.

And with that, I'm off like a prom dress. I'm going to sit at my desk, pretend to do work while staring at the clock. I can't wait for 4pm when I shall be free, free, free!

Somedays

2006-11-15T08:46:00.000-07:00

I think the universe is out to get me. After working, and surviving, the two days from hell, I now have a cold Seriously, enough already.

I can tell you that I will not be working back to back midnight shifts again. Dayem that was hard. I was ok Monday at my day job, but Tuesday was a killah. I hit the wall somewhere around 2 and there was not enough redbull on the planet. Then I started getting that achy, headachy, sniffly, oh shit i'm going to be sick feeling. Fe'h

As per request SG shall now be deemed to stand for Sweet Guy. So it is written, so it shall be.

He really is a sweetie. We had some dinnah last night, then home so I could be tucked in and get a good nights sleep. He's a very good tucker iner.

Tonight is pool league and I hope that I shoot early so I can get another good nights sleep. I worked my arse off to get next weekend off and I do not wish to be sick.

Monday, Monday

2006-11-13T07:35:00.000-07:00

so good to me. NOT

I be a tired Twenchie. I worked Friday night 5 to 10 then went out for drinks with SG. Back to work Saturday morning 6am - 2. Then out for a bite to eat with SG, home to watch some tv, and then tucked in and snoring by 10. Gosh I'm exciting these days. Sunday night I worked 4 - midnight, now I'm at work until 4, then I go back to Cumby's 5 - midnight. Today we'll find out what a 16 hour day is like. I'm thinking it won't be good. G'ah.

I should have had Sunday night off but I traded with someone so that I don't have to work next Saturday night 4-midnight. I figure I'll be beat by Tuesday night, but after tonight I won't have to go back to Cumby's until next Sunday and I'll get to have an actual weekend. I hope it's worth it.

So, Friday night we slept at my house. I got up at 5 to go to Cumby's for 5:45am. A few days ago SG and I were discussing hard water in our towns, and mineral deposits in the shower etc. One of the things I complained about was the build up of iron and shit on my shower head. Yep, you guessed it. He got up Saturday morning, went to Home Depot, went back to my house and put in a new shower head for me. And yes, I keep thinking: this guy is way to nice, what the fuck is really wrong with him. I know, it's sick. I really need to just go with the flow. Baby steps ladies, baby steps :) He says the next time I have to work all day he's going to paint my kitchen. You know what, my kitchen needs to be painted. You know what else? I'm going to let him. Take that jaded women of America!

well....

2006-11-08T12:58:00.000-07:00

it's official. i'm a huge romantic sap.

sg just called my cell phone, upon picking up this is what i heard...

hey baby, just calling to say i miss you and to see how your day is going.

i'm now walking around with a stupid grin on my face. it would seem i've come full circle and reverted back to highschool. at least he's calling my cell and not dropping notes off at my office

i seriously have to figure out how to balance two jobs, a house, and the cutie. my house is a disaster and my cats think i don't live here anymore. i was totally planning on coming home from work last night and staying in and getting some laundry and cleaning done. course as soon as my phone rang, i tossed that idea right out the window. you only live once right? He called me at 5:15 and i told him we could hang out, but it had to wait a couple of hours so i could do laundry and what not. His response, well then I'll stop there and hang out until you're ready, there's no sense in me going all the way home to come back and get you. I said no problem, i'll just drive ovah there when i'm ready. this was unacceptable to him because he knows i don't like to drive at night, i don't see that well in the dark, and he lives 20 minutes from me down some dark country roads. yep. he's a keeper.

he's now decided that it's ridiculous for me to pay someone to paint the hallway where my spiral staircase is. he says he can do it one weekend while i'm working and he'll take his fee out in trade. win/win in my book.

i now return you to your regulary scheduled programming where grown women don't behave like smitten school girls.

The last time

2006-11-06T07:50:00.000-07:00

I had a few minutes to sit down and post it was almost the weekend, now it's Monday again. How the fuck did that happen. Oy.

This working two jobs thing is a bitch. I did Cumby's both Sat and Sunday so basically there shall not be a day off this week, or next. G'ah. Such is life. Cumby's is interesting to say the least. It's busy, which is good because the time goes by fast, but I also see a ton of people that I know. Some, I could live without seeing. The puppy came in on Saturday, he did not come to my register, thank you jesus. He did stop and chat for a minute. Um, 'scuse me, I don't need to make small talk with you, you're a fucking asshole. NEXT

I cannot tell a lie, SG is scoring points right and left these days. Now, you folks know me, I'm jaded. I'm always certain that, sooner or later, a skeleton will appear from the closet. SG's skeleton appeared Friday night. Buckle up ladies, it's a good story.

Friday night after work, I went home got my clothes etc ready for work on Sat, threw them in my backpack, and went to meet SG at the pocket. The plan was to have a couple of cocktails, drop my car off at his house, and go to dinner and then stop by his buddies house for a couple of beers and some conversation. We accomplished all of that easily. In fact, we had a fabulous time. We had a great dinner, we went to his buddies house and I liked the guy instantly. We all hung out for a couple of hours and had a great time just chatting. We stopped on the back to his house for a nightcap

Now, the only *downside* to the evening was SG's cell phone, which was going off every friggin half hour. SG has a stalker. Uh huh, I don't make this shit up. I knew about her, she's gone psycho calling his cell phone before, and he told me all about her. They dated for 3 years, she started getting crazy, and it turned out she routinely goes crazy, he broke it off with her about 6 months ago. He didn't hear from her for awhile and then, about 3 weeks ago, she started in again. Coincidence that she started in again once we started dating? Maybe, we don't really know. Anyhoo we ignored the phone calls and had a great evening. A great evening to the point that as we were driving home I was saying "i had a blast tonight and he was agreeing" In our minds, the evening was only going to get better. Sadly, for us, it did not turn out that way.

We pull into his driveway and we both go *what the fuck*. My car was in the garage, and in front of the garage door there was a car. Guess who's car? Uh huh. You guessed it. Stalker woman. I think it suffices to say that what happened next could qualify for a Springer Episode.

We park his car, we go through the garage and upstairs into the house. All the lights are on, the kitchen is a mess, empty wine bottles, ice cubes on the floor, sticky spilled half dried wine on the floor. We go into the living room and it's more of the same. Some stuff tossed around, a trail of clothes leading to the sliders, the deck lights all on, the cover off of the hot tub. The only thing that we didn't see was stalker woman. SG goes upstairs and returns a minute later saying, um, I found her. She's passed out in my bed. Jigga what?

Now I'm pissed. Not so much at him, I don't for one second doubt his story, and I don't for one second think that he's still seeing her and playing me, but I'm pissed that I have to deal with this shit by proxy. I can't leave because her car is behind mind, and frankly, I've had to much to drive. It's now 1 o'clock in the morning and I have to be to work at 6 am. So i'm all, well she's not fucking staying her and if you don't go wake her ass up, I will. He never had a chance to make the choice, I headed up the stairs. Maybe not the best choice, but it's the choice I made.

So I go into his room, I turn on the light, I peel back the covers, and say "get your ass out bed, you're leaving now sweetie" Now you have to try and picture this because I was there, and I still have a hard time fathoming it. She's naked. Naked as a jay bird. She wakes up, she gets her glasses off the night stand and she gets out of bed. Did I mention she was naked? She's standing in front of me, naked, and saying "oh, so you must be the chick he's dating" Honestly, I don't remember a lot of the conversation, call me crazy but I find it hard to focus when my boyfriends crazy ex is standing in front of me naked. I know I was not using my indoor voice, and I kept telling her get your fucking clothes on and go. You're not welcome here and you're not staying here. So she finally puts on a bathrobe (thank you jesus) and she goes downstairs. I'm pissed beyond believe, SG is just trying to get her out the door, and none of us can find her keys. Finally SG finds the keys and we both just keep yelling just friggin go already. She finally leaves.

Now I'm pissed. I'm pissed that I let some pyscho make me lose my temper, I'm pissed that I don't understand what the fuck this woman is doing in his house, and I just want to get the hell out of there. SG is all Honey please don't leave, you drank too much to drive, you're upset, yada yada. I know you're upset, you have every right to be, if you really can't be here at least let me drive you home. Now it's 2 o'clock in the morning and I have to get up at 5. So I grab a pillow and a blanket and I'm like fine, I'll sleep on the fucking couch, cuz if you think i'm going to go crawl in your bed after psycho chic was in it , your nuts. He's all you need some rest, come upstairs and sleep in Paiges (his daughters) room. We go upstairs, I fall into bed, fully clothed and the doorbell rings. Yeah, cuz this night hasn't sucked enough. We're not sure if the neighbors heard screaming and called the cops, or if psycho woman called the cops. They come in, we tell them the story and they're all ok, we're going to go have a chat with pyscho woman. She had also left her cell phone on the coffee table and we gave it to the cops to give back to her. They were all, "you know you really should take a restraining order out on this woman, and SG was all i know, i've been trying to avoid doing that, but i guess i'm going to have to"

The cops finally leave and I get back into bed at 3. I have to get up at five to shower and be to work for 6. I get up, I go down to my car to grab my backpack with my clothes, make up etc. Now remember, my car was in the garage and we know she got into the house through the garage. One of the bay doors is broken and doesn't lock. I open my car door and the inside of my car is trashed. My backpack is open, my makeup is thrown all ovah the car, everything in my glove box is all ovah the car, The half a cup of coffee that was in the cup holder is dumped over my clothes. It's a fucking mess. I go back upstairs, scream a few obscenities about your psycho girlfriend trashed my car, I dry my work stuff as best I can, and I go to work after having had 2 hours of sleep.

Now I'm at work the next 8 hours and I can't even talk to him because we're not allowed to be on our cell phones at work, and I don't get a lunch break. I calmed down during the day enough to realize that, in my mind, it's not his fault his ex is crazy. He's a victim in this whole deal. As soon as I get off shift he calls me. Tells me how sorry he is that I have to be involved in that, I've been worrying about you all day, please don't hate me because she's nuts. I know I should have taken a restraining order out a couple of weeks ago, but I really thought she'd get over it.

It's funny how the phrase "when someone shows you who they are, believe them the first time" echos in my head. Truthfully, that whole friggin scene did show me who he is. A nice guy. A nice guy who didn't want to have to take out a restraining order because her ex husband did a few years ago and she ended up in jail and he didn't want to have that happen again. A nice guy, who instead of being worried about him, or his house, was worried about me. And here's the kicker, I don't think that because it's what I want to see, or because it's what I want to believe. It's what genuinely is and I know it beyond a shadow of a doubt. I had the post the other day about not trusting people, and questioning how do you learn to trust people. I now know the answer to that question.

You just do.

After work Sat, I took a shower, put on my sweats and curled up on his sofa. We got take out and watched a little tv, and finally got some sleep.

Pyscho woman will hopefully be having another nice chat with the Police today, and SG found a way to keep the garage door from being opened without a remote or the keypad.

My life is many things, dull is nevah one of them.

It's almost

2006-11-02T16:54:00.000-07:00

Friday! For me, that really doesn't mean shit since I have to work Saturday and Sunday. Eh. It's all good, I still intend to party on the weekend, I'll just be a little more tired doing it

Lessee, I haven't heard from Stalker Dude for a couple of days. I consider this a good thing. A very good thing. I was a little worried that he would show up at Pool League, he didn't. Yay

SG did show up to pool league, (we had a date) I consider that a good thing. A very good thing as Martha would say. I cannot tell a lie. I'm really liking this guy. Really. Really liking this guy. My first clue was when I started referring to him as my boyfriend. My second clue was when he was planning our weekend on Monday, and I let him. I not only let him, my feet were doing the happy dance on the inside. Heaven help me.

I can honestly say he is one of the most attentive men I've been with in a long time. He not only listens when I talk he actually seems interested. He's always more worried about my needs than his own. (get your minds outa the gutter, that's not what I'm talking about) I'm talking about stupid little things. Like getting out of the hottub and going in to get a warm bathrobe before I step out. Like making sure he purchased the kind of beer or wine I like. Like calling my cell just to say, "hey baby, I was just thinking about you". G'ah! I'm even making myself sick.

Here's the thing. You knew there would be a thing, there's always a thing. I sometimes have a hard time believing him. Ok, most of the time, fine all of the time. I really am that jaded. I tell myself that he's just being that nice, or just saying certain things because he thinks it's what I want/expect. I find it hard to believe that he could honestly be that enamored of me. And before you all go telling me I self-esteem issues, I really don't think that's it. It's more of a trust issue. I don't trust people. I trust animals and small children. Adults, in my opinion, total crapshoot.

How do you learn, for lack of a better word, learn to trust someone? Is it time? Is it a cumulative thing that happens over time? Can you learn to let go and trust someone? I need to know, because to tell you the truth, I think this guy might be worth it.

I would like you all....

2006-10-31T10:38:00.000-07:00

to give a big round of applause to my favoritist adopted daughter Duchess Jane.

If you will glance to your right, you will notice links to some blogs. I also now have a stat counter. I'm watching muuuhaaaahaaaaa.

You rock Janey! Thanks

Who's ready....

2006-10-31T07:30:00.000-07:00

for an SG update

Let's see, I believe I told you that we went to his sister's on Saturday night for an adult B'day party. Spent the night at his house then we both went off to take care of our respective chores. Talked to him on the phone Sunday night. Yesterday he called me at work to see if I wanted to have dinner. D'uh, no brainer there, nice guy, free food, I'm in :) We had a bite to eat then went to the Pocket to watch the Patriots game with friends. I cannot tell a lie, I really like hanging out with him.

Stalker dude has been quiet. Truthfully, I don't know if that's good or bad. I did tell people about it, and have his cell number in my phone so that if I turn up missing they'll know who to call. I told SG about it, in the interest of full disclosure. His comment "next time he calls, let ME answer the phone". My hero.

I hope you all have a fabulous Halloween with lots of candy. And I mean good candy, not those mini snickers, full size baby. I'm going to go to a private halloween party. My costume shall be my birthday suit.

What?

After not working

2006-10-30T08:35:00.000-07:00

anything but a desk job for the past 25 years, I can say this. God bless the people who work retail 40 hours a week. Standing on your feet for 8 hours is no picnic. I'm sure that I'll get used to it but for right now, OUCH my aching feet.

On Saturday I had to work 6am to 2pm. I don't recommend staying out until 1 am when you have to get up the next day at 5. In my own defense, it was not my intention, I was planning on going to bed Friday night early. It didn't work out that way and I totally blame SG

Here's an interesting tid bit you probably don't know. Many, many people purchase beer and wine at 6:30 in the morning After the first 6 alcohol sales, I was all "jesus, what the hell are these people thinking". The woman training me smiled and said "3rd shifters, it's our morning but it's their evening". Makes sense :)

The other interesting rule is that when someone comes in to purchase cigs, you are supposed to ask for ID if they appear to be under the age of 27. Dude, I'm 4 fucking 5, everyone looks under 27 to me . Here's another interesting fact, when you ask for an ID, and they don't have one (insert one of 42 excuses here), and you say "sorry, no ID, no sale", they get pissed. They can be as pissed as they want, I'm not losing my job ovah some underaged kid wanting a smoke.

I get to do it all ovah again next sat and sunday. Woo hoo.

I've also been offered a challenge. It would seem they allow you a 5 dollah window for your drawer at the end of the shift. I said I find that unacceptable. Your drawer should be balanced to the penny. They all looked at me with shocked expressions and said "that never happens, give up that dream".

Game on.

I will have a perfect drawer. Oh yes I will, mark my words.

so much...

2006-10-29T09:29:00.000-07:00

to update, so little time.

we'll start with NG. He's the goodlooking gentleman who took me to dinner. He's also the one that i second guessed because i saw red flags indicating that he was maybe an alcoholic, and an angry alcoholic to boot. Moral of the story: always go with your gut. NG will now be known as Stalker Dude or SD for short. Long story short, he called my cell Thursday night around 5:30. I was tired, and resting on the couch and didn't answer. He called again at 7. He called again at 8:15 and left a voice message that went something like this:

WHERE are you? I've called you a couple of times tonight, you haven't returned my call, WHY aren't you returning my call, you need to CALL ME Deanna. I don't understand why you're not calling me, or picking up Deanna. I really thought we had a connection going on. CALL ME.

Um, yah, I don't think so. Freak.In.A.Can.

He called again on Friday afternoon. No message.
He called again Saturday night. No message.

His new description: Angry, alcoholic, stalker.

I spent Friday evening with SG (short guy). I must admit, the little dude is growing on me. Well, not literally, he's still short, but he is definately worming his way into my good graces. He's not a drunk, he's not angry, he doesn't stalk me. Given the past week, all good things! Saturday night he took me to his sister's house for an adult B'day party. Jello shots are the devil.

Honestly, I have no idea where this is going, and I refuse to think about it. I had a great weekend. I'd love to think I'll have another great weekend with him, but the past few months have reminded me that things sometimes turn on a dime. So, we shall see.

I also started my second job on Saturday at 6 o'fucking clock in the morning. I be a tired little puppy. I'll blog more about that latah. I have to go grocery shopping before my children starve :)

i'm getting

2006-10-26T05:32:00.000-07:00

a new keyboard today, until then, deal

i went to get my nails done before pool league last night. i come out of the nail salon and i head to my car and i hear a guy talking. i just assume it's someone sitting in a car talking on a cell phone and i keep walking. next thing i know i hear my name. i turn and look and it's SG sitting in his car. there is a dance studio in the same plaza and he was waiting to pick up his daughter and give her a ride home. chatted for a few and he said, if it's ok with you, i'm going to drop off paige and then come to watch you shoot and have a couple of drinks with you. um, ok!

i did have a few mintues of panic hoping that NG wouldn't be showing up to pool league as well. i hadn't heard from him, so i was hoping he wouldn't just surprise me. fortunately for me, he didn't. crisis averted. it was a loverly evening, good conversation, good pool and a kiss goodnight after walking me to my car.

i swear, i just don't understand men sometimes. we talked about what hours i was working at the store this weekend, and what, if any, plans i had beyond that. i left this guy a million and four opportunities to ask me out for the weekend. he didn't. piffle. why is it that the ones you like, and want to go out with again, don't ask, and the ones you're on the fence about do?

f'eh. i'm just not going to think about it. (stop laughing). if he calls, he calls. he'll call right?

I swear...

2006-10-24T15:17:00.000-07:00

when you say you are going to swear off of men, they fall at your feet like snow during a n'or easter. Now a pessimist would say that this is the universe testing your motives and your decisions. A pessimist would say it is the universe trying to see if you really mean what you say. Since i recently decided to be an optimist, i say piffle! It's raining men and i don't want a stinkin umbrella. i want to dance half nekkid in the rain and let it fall ovah my face. So there.

Last night was date night with, hmmmm, what shall we call him? Short guy :) Yes, by my standards he is short. He's probably 5'6" and given that i'm 5'7" and generally wear heels, you get the picture. And oh by the way, I haven't actually put him on the scale, but i have no doubt that i weigh more than he does. yes, i said it. i weigh more than he does. i cannot tell a lie, that freaks me out when i think about it.

Ok, a little backround on SG (short guy) I met SG 7 or 8 months ago through friends. One of those things where two different sets of friends have a couple of friends in common and so you all are around each other sometimes. SG isn't really in my normal social circle on many occassions. As I recall, when i first met him i was in the early stages of a possible relationship with Walt and wasn't interested in anyone else. I Think I made that pretty clear to SG but we always talked etc. I would see him on occassion and we always exchanged hello's and the usual pleasantries but not much else. So, fast forward to a couple of weeks ago. A group of people were going to his house after cocktails to relax in his hot tub. I happened to be one of those people. Get your minds outa the gutters we all had clothing on. Not much clothing, but enough . Anyhoo SG and I spent the better part of that evening in conversation (yes, some flirting took place by both parties) and at the end of the evening asked for my phone #. I gave it to him. We talked on the phone a couple of days later and he asked me out to dinner but i had plans for the night he asked. He was then going away for the weekend and he said he would call me when he got home. Now, in the meantime is when I met and went out to dinner with New guy. Oy

So, we ended up making plans to go to dinner last night. What can I tell you, this guy is perfect on paper and in public. He's a gentleman, he's attentive, he's good at conversation, he's stable financially and emotionally, he has a gorgeous home and it's clean unlike most batchelor pads. So why, why for the love of god, am I hung up on the height/weight thing? Why? When we're sitting at a table, enjoying a meal and conversation I enjoy being with him. He's smart, he has a good sense of humor, and he listens. Then we get up to leave and I suddenly feel like I'm in a movie titled Amazon Woman And Midget Man. Yes, I am that shallow. It's not that I find him unattractive, I actually find him very attractive. It's the whole, i'm huge standing next to him and that makes me feel unattractive. Does that make sense?

We ended the evening enjoying a glass of wine in the hot tub. I can neither confirm nor deny that clothing was worn this time. I will say this. It's very easy to quickly slip off a robe and get into a hot tub with grace and without revealing one's nekkid self. Getting out is another matter entirely.

Yeah...

2006-10-21T08:55:00.000-07:00

i know, you all want to know how my date went. Voyeurs

courtesy of OJ on the keyboard we shall be posting sans caps today. the shift key is sticky.

so, my date last night. to answer kris's question, no brothers and yes he's hawt :). some extra weight in the middle but a gorgeous head of hair and nice mustache with goatee. silver/gray hair but he's one of those guys who can carry it off. doesn't really make him look old, makes him look distinguished.

he picked me up, right on time, came to the door, escorted me out and opened the car door. 2 points. you all know how i feel about a man extending common courtesy. we went out for chinese, which just happens to be my all time favorite, then headed to a club where there was a band playing. I have to give the guy credit, he is a perfect gentleman at all times. Opens doors, holds your hand, pulls out your chair, one of the few left of a dying breed.

i did have a couple of concerns ovah the course of the evening. different things that he said, one of which being he once went to alcohol rehab for 30 days. i'm sorry come again? he says he went because his ex wife insisted. um, yeah women usually insist that with good reason. red flag numbah one. and yes, he still drinks. he drank very little last night because he was driving, but i suspect that isn't always the case.

then we got into a discussion about jobs. he currently is driving a dump truck (cdl) for a construction co., and he went on to tell me he's only been with this co. for about 3 months. then he launched into all of the different jobs that he's had, yada yada, and oh by the way, i got fired from a lot of them. red flag numbah 2. my take on that part of the conversation is that the man may, probably, has some anger issues.

tells me, i really enjoyed your company, i'd love to take you out again, yada yada, can i call you? I told him "you have my numbah"

as of this morning, the jury is out. here's why. my initial thought was run. run far and fast, the guy is an alcoholic with anger issues. buh bye, ya gotta go. then i thought about my motto

when people show you who they are, believe them the first time.

here's the thing that is swirling in my head. he hasn't shown me the angry alcoholic. i'm presuming these things from conversation numbah one, and numbah two it's possible he was those things and has now matured and smartened up. so this is what leaves me torn. do i walk away from a second date based on things i think, or do i follow my motto and believe how he has treated me thus far? this is why i shouldn't date, i'm just not smart enough to figure these things out.

Ya gotta love

2006-10-20T07:21:00.001-07:00

a Friday. Of course, right now it's only Friday morning, 4 pm will be even bettah!

Vegas! Yay! It's nice to know I'm not the only middle aged woman who has to work 2 jobs

And Kris, you're doing just fine sweetie.

In true twench fashion, my no dating for awhile hasn't lasted long I didn't end up having dinner with Not Relationship Guy last night, I called and said I was beat from a long week and we could do it another time. Honestly, it has been a long week and I really was tired. That's the beauty of having a "not relationship guy", it's a guilt free relationship.

That isn't the one that ended the no dating for awhile rule though. So, Tuesday night I went to meet a friend of mine for a drink and get a phone number for somthing else. Anyhoo, I'm talking with him and another friend of his comes in. Someone I've never met. Long story short he sits with us, we start chatting. My friend left, new guy stayed around and we continued chatting. I had intended to be home that night by 9. I ended up being home at probably midnight. What can I say, the guy was a good conversationalist. So, as I'm leaving Tuesday night he asked me for my phone number. I gave it to him, but being the jaded woman I am I really didn't expect to hear from him. I was wrong. He actually called my cell phone wed morning at 7 am to tell me to have a nice day. Ok, nice touch. Still not convinced this guy is for real. I'm jaded.

As most of you know, I play in a pool league on Wed nights. The guy I was having a drink with on Tuesday is part of the same league. By association, New Guy knew that I also played in the league on Wed. Guess who appeared Wed evening. Ayep. New guy. Stayed for a short time saying he knew I was busy and trying to pay attention to my team. Then said, I'd really like to take you out Friday night if you're free. I kind of blew it off and did my "it's only wednesday, I live my life half a day at time, call me :).

My phone rang last night around 7. First thing I hear "I know 24 hours isn't technically a half a day, but can stretch it and make plans for Friday night now?" Ya hafta like a guy who gets sarcasm.

So....

2006-10-19T06:17:00.000-07:00

I have a plan. Awhile back the Cumberland Farms right around the corner from my house was looking for part-time help. I applied and nevah heard from them. The other day they called and asked if I was still interested. I take this as a sign from the Universe that I need a part-time job, at least for a little while. For a couple of nights a week, and a shift of the weekends, I can add another $600 to my current income. Not a bad deal. It's part of my Get Out of Debt In 2007 plan. Plans are good. At least I think they're good, my plans often go astray, but that could just be me :)

To be perfectly honest, at first, I was a little embarrassed. I mean, this is a local store, where many, many people I know stop for gas, milk, etc. I kept thinking how much it will suck to have people I know see my working there. Then I realized something. Why should I be embarrassed? I'm doing what I need to do to get myself out of debt and be a financially responsible person. That shouldn't be something that bothers me, that should be something to be proud of. That's the story I'm going to stick with because it's the one that makes me feel the best and really, what else matters.

Let's see. What else. Kris, you said something the other day. You asked if there was a fast track fro making oneself whole and purdiful again. The short answer. No. :) Here's the thing, you're hurting right now. Your heart is broken, your dreams were shattered, and you don't feel particularly good about yourself. Perfectly understandable feelings sweetpea. They're feelings I know all too well. When I kicked Jeff out a year ago the first few days I walked around in a fog. Then I went through all the stages of grief. When you end a serious relationship, even if it's what you wanted, it's a death of sorts. You have to go through the grief to get to the other side. If you had told me a year ago, that I would get over Jeff and be willing and ready to date again I would have told you that you were a crazy woman. But you know what? I did get over it. I did want to date again, I did date again, I'm still going to date again. You'll get there. I promise. In the mean time, be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself, and love yourself. And on the days that you're not loving yourself, remember this: I love you :)

I'm off to dinner tonight with Not Relationship Guy. What can I tell ya, I have needs

Bwaaahaaahaaa

2006-10-14T09:44:00.000-07:00

Look at me! All decked out in purdy colors.

Saturday again?

2006-10-14T09:26:00.000-07:00

It always amazes me that the week seems to go slowly but then, BAM, It's Saturday again. I do love a good Saturday. Unless I'm working, but I digress.

Last night after a haircut, which I desperately needed, I went to meet a friend for a couple of cocktails. There is a couple, Ellie and Dave, who I see in the bar probably one a week. I usually spend a couple of hours chatting with Ellie she lives right near me and she's a hot shit. Anyhoo, we were talking last night and it turns out her husband is an HVAC guy and does work on the side. Woo Hoo. I scored a burner cleaning for $50 bucks. This is a good thing. I haven't had my burner cleaned since I moved here 3 years ago. I'm sure it's pretty nasty in there It's also good to know that if my heat suddenly fails to come on, I have someone I can call. They live about 2 minutes from me. I'd rather put money in Dave's pocket then to have to call and pay the evil gas co. It's good to have friends. Besides, now if I'm out having drinks I can say I'm out interviewing home repair people. It sounds better

I'm supposed to meet some people around 4 to shoot some pool, but eh, I don't know. I think I might actually be content to be at home in my bathrobe curled up on the couch. I'm not sure if that's good or bad.

Kris, if you're reading, we shall expect an update tomorrow on drinks with the new guy! I need to live vicariously through other people doncha know.

I decided that I've been mopey for long enough. Life can turn on a dime. A year ago, my life did turn on a dime when I kicked Jeff out. And you know what? I lived. I not only lived, I survived. I pulled up my big girl panties and I got her done. So no more moping. I have a lot of things in my life to grateful for. Two great and healthy kids, a home that I can (almost) pay for, a job that isn't horrible (except for somedays).

I've spent the last while focusing on all the things that I don't have. I think my time would better spent focusing on all the things I do have. It's a "is the glass half full or half empty" kind of thing. It's easy to get lost in the glass is half empty if you let yourself. So, from now on, I shall focus on the glass being half full.

Hopefully it's full of beer

so...

2006-10-12T16:46:00.000-07:00

i made an executive decision today. I'm not going to go to lunch on Saturday. Maybe he's a nice guy, maybe he isn't, not the point.

The point is, as I see it, I'm just not emotionally in a place to put myself back out there. There. I said it.

I was thinking about it the past couple of days. I was thinking about it, and going back and reading some of my own posts from 6 months ago when I started this silly blog. In going back and reading some of those older posts, I realized something. I was actually pretty content. I was single and it was ok because I was happy with myself. I was able to start dating Walt because I was confident and secure. These days, I'm not particularly feeling either of those things.

I'm not happy with the weight that I've let creep back on. I'm not happy with my financial situation, I'm not happy with the state of my house. It is ridiculous to take on something else until I get those 3 things in order. It is ridiculous to think that I can be happy with another person, or to think that I can bring happiness to another person, until I get back to bringing happiness to myself.

Six months ago I did some Spring cleaning. Now it's time to do some Fall cleaning. Both in my home, and in my personal life.

Eh, fuck it, lunch on Saturday would have blown my flex points. Not worth it.

Happy Hump Day

2006-10-11T14:37:00.000-07:00

I love when hump day arrives so quickly due to a Monday Holiday. You may need to remind me of that tomorrow when I'm whining that it's only Thursday.

Let's see, what have I been up to. Thinking...thinking...um...thinking...I know! Nothing! Actually, it's ok that I've been up to nothing, I need to be up to nothing for a little while.

I'm just waiting for my laundry to finish and then I'm off to Pool League. I enjoyed the summer off, and I'm glad I chose to take it off, but it's good to back to playing. Well, I think it is, we shall see. I need a couple of good weeks to push me into the next ranking. Yes, I am competitive.

I may have to break my "i'm never dating again rule" on Saturday. Friend of a friend of a friend deal. Feel free to roll your eyes here. I said it was ok to IM me, and I chatted with him last night, he was actually pretty funny. Asked if I would like to go to lunch on Saturday. Eh, it's lunch, how terrible could it be. Don't answer that, pretend it was a rhetorical question, I don't really want to know. I was tempted to stick my head in the sand and not go, or talk to this guy, but that probably isn't the way to.

If I were to really stop dating I would have to get more cats, a housecoat, and fuzzy slippers. I don't really look good in a housecoat and I tend to fall down the stairs when I wear fuzzy slippers.

Oh, sumpin' else I thought of the other day. Many of you have my blog as a link on your blogs. I'm honored by that, really, I am. Please don't think I don't love your blogs. I don't link them here because, well, I'm just to frikken stupid to figure out how. I know this because I have tried. Several times. D'oh! Math I can do, computers, not so much :blush:

Ok, off to get ready for pool!

Sunday musings

2006-10-08T11:13:00.000-07:00

So I had a conversation with the other condo owners in my building. They pretty much reacted the way most people do. A blank stare followed by "what?". Yeah. So we're going to send the rednecks a letter explaining that we really don't think it's a good idea to have a dishwasher, installed, on the deck. One would think this would be common sense. I'm a little askeered the rednecks won't like being told they have to remove it. I have bad neighbor karma, very bad.

So drinks with Bruce last night were interesting. When I arrived at the bar, I didn't see the puppies car and I was happy about that. Unfortunately, puppies car wasn't there but puppy was. When I walked in he was one of the first people I saw and I'm sure I had that deer in the headlights look. Fuck. I hate that he saw that look. I hate that I'm still bothered by the events of last week. I hate that I'm letting a total fucking idiot get to me. Hate. It.

I'm bored today. I have a million things that I should be, could be doing and I have no desire to do any of them. I also have no desire to do nothing because that leads one to thinking, and frankly, I just don't want to think right now. I believe people call that being in a funk. I'm in a funk. After I kicked Jeff out a year ago I was perfectly content to just be. I was content to stay home, and do my chores, and fix things up around the house. I was content to not be around people and to be alone with my thoughts. Now, not so much. I don't like my thoughts, probably because I really don't know what my thoughts are. Or maybe I do and I don't like what I think. The jury is still out.

F'eh.

Ahhhh

2006-10-07T08:47:00.000-07:00

it's Saturday morning of a three day weekend. Woo Hoo. I should be cleaning. I should be doing laundry. I should be doing something, anything productive. I'm not, I'm sitting here drinking coffee and pondering the meaning of life. Good thing I brewed an entire pot, this could take awhile.

I spent a couple of hours this morning perusing dating websites (shoot me now) Jane met hotguy on a dating site, Kris met her young stud on a dating website, so I thought what the heck. I tried to put myself into it, I tried to write a profile, I tried to find someone that I thought was interesting enough to repond too. Nope, not happening. I'm taking this as a sign that it's just not the thing to do. At least not for me right now. Besides, one of the dating sites I searched is one that my ex (the sequel) uses. When I put in my search criteria he came up as my perfect match. Clearly these people don't know what the fuck they're doing.

I think that part of it stems from my belief, and my experience, that when you're not looking, that's when Mr. right shows up. Of course, this theory could be totally blown out of the water since all of the people I've met lately have been Mr. Wrong. Ok, they weren't all wrong. Walt was fun for a few months. I had some fun, I enjoyed his company, he just wasn't Mr Right. He was Mr. Right Now. Speaking of Walt, let's all wave in case he's still reading Richard aka Not Relationship Guy, wasn't wrong, he just isn't Mr. Right. We won't even discuss the puppy, I'm still licking those wounds.

So I've made an executive decision, I'm just going to sit still and *be* for a little while. Lord knows it's not like I don't have other shit to focus on. My house needs a good fall cleaning. My air conditioners need to be taken out. I need to do some painting, organize my closets, and redirect my energies to things that I've let slide ovah the summah.

Today we shall deal with removing the air conditioners. Pray for my air conditioning community, the last time twenchette and I tried to take out the livingrooom A/C it took 3 days, a trip to the hardware store, and many, many bad words. I hope this year goes better.

Then tonight I shall go have drinks with my friend Bruce. I love Bruce. No, not that way. Bruce is a combination of your best gay friend, and your best girlfriend. Of course he is neither gay nor a girl but it describes him perfectly. He will listen patiently while I recant the horror of last Friday evening and then he'll tell me it's why I should be dating him. Then we'll both laugh hysterically and order another drink.

I don't make this shit up.

2006-10-02T18:23:00.000-07:00

We haven't had any good redneck stories for awhile so today is your lucky day kids! Mommy has a beauty for you!

In my neighborhood trash day is Monday. So, I go out my back door today to my deck to grab my trash barrel and put it out front. The rednecks deck is right next to mine. Now usually I don't notice much over there because, well frankly, there is so much stuff on and under their deck it's hard to take it all in. This morning, something just happened to catch my eye. So I'm standing on my deck, and I'm looking over at theirs thinking "what the fuck is that". Then I realized what it was, a dishwasher. Yes, you read that correctly, it's a dishwasher. But wait! It gets better!

This isn't just your usual redneck put the trash on the deck dishwasher, this is an actual working dishwasher. Yes. I said a working dishwasher. How do I know this? I know because once I saw it I realized what all the noise in the basement over the weekend was from. It was from the rednecks doing some redneck plumbing. You guessed it folks. They plumbed the dishwasher onto the deck. Believe me, as much as it pains me, I'm serious. Shit, even I couldn't make this shit up.

So I can only assume that this is how rednecks do dishes. Scrape the plate into the yard so the critters can eat and then voila, pop that dirty plate right into that thar dishwarsher. Ain't technology sumpin'!

I shall be having a conversation with the other two owners at some point this week. I don't know what these fucking idiots did to the pipes, but I know I don't need my pipes freezing this winter.

Fucking rednecks.

I'm still here....

2006-10-01T10:21:00.000-07:00

so I guess that proves that people do not die from embarrasment. Oy.

So I spent last night hanging out in a bar with my ex (the sequel). Yeah, I know, I've said numerous times he has to go but he's like the energizer bunny, he just keeps coming back. So I talked to him on-line Sat morning and he knew sumpin' was wrong and I ended up telling him the story. Anyhoo, we ended up going out for a few drinks so I could sob on his shoulder and he could tell me it's not me, it's the asswipes I choose to date. It's always good to hear that, regardless of the source

Now for all those wondering and raising their eyebrows, I did not sleep with him. That ship sailed many moons ago. It's not something I would even consider, some things just never can be, and a romantic relationship with my ex is one of them. I haven't figured out how to totally jettison him from my life, but I'm quite clear on how to not let him back in as anything other than a friend. I'm a slow learner, but I do learn.

The more I think about the situation with puppyboy, the more I realize what a total idiot I was. Now I know many of you have commented and say it's not me, I appreciate that. I do. But you know what? I just didn't hear what was being said to me. I heard what I wanted to hear. Now granted, there were mixed signals but when we were sitting there Friday night and he said to me "i don't think i'm ready for a relationship" a big red fucking flag should have fallen from the sky and landed in my lap. The truth of the matter is, a big red flag did fall from the sky and I just brushed it off as if it nevah landed. The truth of the matter is, even if puppies intention was to say he wanted to casually date, I should have said "thanks for your honesty, I have to go now" The truth of the matter is, I was WILLING to settle for being ok to hang around with, but not ok to commit too. The truth of the matter is I was willing to take whatevah crumbs were offered. It's hard to admit that. I considered not admitting that. Really. I considered it long and hard. Then I realized two things. To not admit it is unfair to the people who read of my sagas and take the time to respond. And to not admit it is unfair to me. Not admitting it means it won't change. It needs to change. It's unacceptable.

People can only treat you the way you allow them to treat you.

I ALLOWED the puppy to treat me that way. Now don't get me wrong here, I'm not excusing his behavior in the least. He behaved like an ass. A total ass. However, by not getting up and leaving I was allowing him to continue on and ultimately to get up and leave with the other girl. In that regard, I hold myself partially responsible. I broke my own rule. I was shown who he was, and I chose to overlook it and give him a second chance. Excuse me while I slap myself.

Lesson learned. Again. I hope it sticks this time, because frankly, I'm just getting to old for this shit.

A lesson in humility

2006-09-30T05:51:00.000-07:00

Well. This was one for the books. So, puppy boy was supposed to call on Tuesday. He did not. I called him on Weds, and left a message that basically said "hey what's up, give me a call back..or not". Heard from him Thursday where he basically said he was out of town for a couple of days, had a lot of thinking to do, got lost. Yada. Yada. Now based on my motto of "when people show you who they are, believe them the first time", I was ready to kick puppy to the curb. Then he did something on Friday that made me re-think. He sent me flowers and a note that said "I'm sorry. I'm a puppy. I make mistakes" (I joke with him about being a puppy) So this of course left me with a conundrum. Is who he is the guy who doesn't call for 4 days, or is he flower guy? I decided, or probably more to the point, I wanted him to be flower guy. So I called him. We planned to meet for a beer at 6 last night.

So I go into the bar and he's already there and it's Friday night and the place is packed. So I get a drink and we decide to go over and sit at one of the quiet tables on the other side. He starts telling me how he really likes me, thinks I'm a great person, but...he's been alone for awhile, he used to doing what he wants when he wants, he's just not sure he's ready for a committed relationship. Um. Ok. I'm listening to him, and I'm trying to process what he's saying, and I'm trying to explain to him that I basically feel the same way. In my mind, this is a good thing because we're both on the same page. So we talk about I don't expect you to call everyday, I know you still want to go out with your friends yada, yada and in my mind, we're laying the ground rules. In hindsight, I don't think he was laying groundrules, he was dumping me. I was just too fucking stupid to see it. Or maybe I saw it but didn't want to. Honestly, I'm still a little fucking fuzzy on that part. But wait! It gets better.

He had previously told me about his friend Melissa. She was a beach buddy over the summer and he told me, on numerous occassions that they were friends only she's young, she's just a good kid. Now at some point during our discussion his phone rang, and he went to the lobby to answer it. Again, I didn't think a lot of that because you get horrible reception in the bar and if you want to use your phone the only place to do so is in the lobby. Anyhoo, so we're sitting there, and we're talking and in walks Melissa. He introduces me, she sits down, we all start talking. Nice kid, 26 single, waiting for her friend and then supposedly they're going out. I think ok, whatever. So like I said, we're all talking and she totally reminds me of my oldest daughter. She's smart, she's funny, she seems totally independent and free-thinking. We all sit and talk for an hour and half or so and at some point I start to realize that Puppy is really enamored with this girl. And not just in a friendship sort of way. It's the way he looks at her, and the way he laughs at her stories. And I start to think, am I really fucking witnessing this, or am I being really insecure and paranoid? So now it's about 8:30 and her phone rings and she comes back whining that her friend doesn't feel good, is going to stay home, boo hoo now what will I do. I go to the bar to order a round of drinks and when I come back I hear her saying "ok, but I don't want to stay here, I want to go out somewhere". Again, I'm thinking "what the fuck" and I'm trying to process what's going on because it seems to me what's going on is that Puppy boy is making plans to leave with this chick but I can't process that because it's just too fucked up to really be happening. Only it's not to fucked up it's really happening. So I'm sure that the look on my face must have been one of utter disblief, I mean really, what other fucking expression could I have.

So she's all, oh I'm sorry did you want to come? And I just say no it's fine go ahead and I'm trying to hold it together and not freak out when inside I'm dying. Dying. I've never been so fucking humiliated in all my life. I can't even look at puppy boy. So she gets up and says to the puppy I'm going to go to the ladies room and I'll meet you outside. She leaves and he looks at me and he says "see i knew you would be upset and the thing is, nothing will probably even happen with her tonight" ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME I think I just looked at him and said "you know what, to be out with other people is one thing, to do it WHILE you're out with me is quite something else and as for being upset, quite frankly, I don't know what other emotion I could have right now". He got up and left and then I gathered my stuff and walked out to my car.

I'm actually amazed I was able to walk to my car. My head was spinning to the point of feeling like I was in slow motion. I sat in my car for awhile. I honestly don't even know how long. I just kept sitting there and thinking what the fuck just happened to me? And I think I went back and forth between rage and wanting to throw up and just utter despair. I kept playing back the entire evening, and the conversations and thinking how could I have missed all of this? Did I miss something? Or is he really just that fucking clueless? Or am I really that fucking clueless?

I finally managed to put the key in the ignition and drive home. I went up to bed and turned on the tv hoping I could lose myself and my thoughts. Yeah, if only it were that easy. I actually woke up from a dead sleep a couple of times and thought "did that really just happen?" And then I'd lay there feeling sick all over again.

I still feel sick. I feel sick, and humiliated and like the biggest fucking idiot that ever walked the planet. I could be wrong, but I don't think that feeling is going to go away anytime soon.

cough,hack,cough

2006-09-21T14:16:00.000-07:00

that is pretty much the only sound coming from me these days.

I spent a few hours on Monday in the ER with Ashley who needed a breathing treatment and a Zpack for Bronchitis. Being the giving child she is, she has now infected her mothah. What a kid.

I knew all day Tuesday that I really didn't feel well, but I did that thing where you just keep telling yourself "I am not getting sick, I refuse to be sick, I'm going to ignore this" I did such a fabulous job of ignoring it that I ended up going out with Puppy Boy. Of course upon hearing me cough he immediately said "jesus, you're sick Deanna" Nah, I said, I'll be fine. Yeah, yeah, so I lied.

It is entirely possible that had I been smart and stayed home and rested I wouldn't have ended up as sick. But, well, what friggin fun would that be :) It is also possible that had I come home at a decent hour, and gotten a good night's sleep, I would not have gotten so sick. Neither of those things occured. I can neither confirm nor deny that some of that may, or may not, be the direct result of the use of illicit drugs. What? It was purely medicinal. Really. It was.

The more time you spend with someone, the more you learn about them. The puppy is not such a puppy after all. The puppy is a wild boy. A sane person would probably run right now, but we all know I'm not that fucking sane. And, if the truth be told, I like wild boys . Oh sure, it nevah ends well but the upside of that is it's a helluva ride beforehand. I said it from day one and I'll say it again, I'm in it for the adventure.

I'll admit that I have my moments (probably my more lucid moments) when I think it would be nice to meet a nice guy, and have a steady relationship, and maybe settle down. Then I think, Deanna, what the fuck are you thinking?

The truth is, I've been there and done that and you know what? I'm just not that good at it. I can do it for a little while and then the boredom becomes so overwhelming that I want to scream. I like the unknown, I like the roller coaster, I like not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Oh sure, you also have to suffer through the "oh shit, what will tomorrow bring" but then tomorrow comes and you realize that it brought something pretty good. Or not. It's a crapshoot. Or maybe, just maybe, it's possible to find a person that gives you both. A stable relationship and the ride of your life. I doubt it, but it's possible

Monday, Monday

2006-09-18T03:53:00.000-07:00

so good to me. NOT

I hate Monday's. There I said it.

So what shall we discuss today. Football? Politics? Recipes? On this blog, ya right

So Puppy boy did indeed call. 2 points. We went out Saturday night to the local bar where the Jim Beam peeps were doing a promotion. I don't care if they were serving the black label stuff, it's still nasty. Rocket fuel. One shot was more than enough. I can still feel the back of my throat burning. G'ah.

Puppy boy was happy because he now has a new hat courtesy of Jim Beam. I've discovered that men are to hats what women are to shoes. It's a strange phenomenon I don't really understand, but I'm sure men don't understand my love of shoes, so it's all good.

He told me about his last girlfriend who ended up moving to Texas and breaking his heart. Poor Puppy. Actually, he got yet a few more points for the telling of the story. One because he's capable of falling in love and being in an actual relationship, and two because it was genuine. It wasn't a bitter "my woman did me wrong" story, it was a reality that he came to accept. Pretty profound for a puppy. We may have to upgrade him to big dog status at some point.

So where is all this going? I have no friggin clue. Course, me not having a clue is really nothing new, surely you've all figured that out by now. I'm going with my original thinking of "it'll be an adventure". He's cute, he's fun, and he can kiss So, when he says "I'll call you tomorrow to see how your day went", I hope he does, but I'm not betting the farm on it.

I'm jaded that way.

It's all....

2006-09-15T06:21:00.000-07:00

in the name.

The Puppy

So, I'm sitting at the bar for pool league Wednesday night and I ended up agreeing to go to The Hampton Beach Casino to see the group Chicago on Thursday night. The gentleman who invited me isn't someone I know very well. I mean, I know his face and his name, beyond that, nada. In two years I've probably said 4 or 5 words to him. Somehow, Wednesday night, we ended up chatting for most of the evening. His roommate gave him the tix that afternoon and so it was a pretty spur of the moment thing. The funny part was when he asked me if I wanted to go. I thought he was trying to give me the tix and I was like nah, I'll never find someone to go at this late date, and he just kind of laughed and said "no, i'm asking you to go with ME" D'oh.

When faced with these situations I always look at this way:

It'll be an adventure. It might be a terrible adventure, but it will an adventure.

So, I left work at 4, flew home to change clothes and freshen up, and went to meet him at the bar. Yes, he did offer to come pick me up but I thought meeting him there was a smarter way to go. We got to the beach early and went to the bar next door to the venue to have a couple of drinks. It's nice when you're out with someone, that you don't know well, and the conversation doesn't lag. Then we headed ovah to the concert to get our seats.

If you evah have occassion to go the Hampton Beach Casino for a concert, spend the extra money and get a Skybox. Friggin awesome. No lines for drinks, a private restroom, air conditioning and you get to sit up there and watch all the people jammed into general admission. 'twas loverly. Now comes the part where I determined what my dates name would be :) It's a two part answer.

Number one, he's 37. Yep, you heard me, 37. Which is 8 years YOUNGER than I am. Number 2, he's young enough that he didn't know half of the songs the band was playing Yes, I did tell him he's a puppy. A cute little puppy, but still a puppy. You know things are going well when you tell your date he's a puppy and he says "cool, if you're already giving me a nickname I must be doing something right"

He got points for being a gentlemen all night. Opening my car door, pulling out my chair, holding my hand walking back to the car. We've had this discussion before. I know it's sexist, but I don't care. I like when a man takes the time to open doors for me

After a loverly evening he brought me back to my car, kissed me goodnight, and said "what are doing tomorrow night?" I told him I was probably sleeping because I'm way to old to burn the candle at both ends. His response "you might be old but you're still cute." Cha ching. Few more points.

Puppy boy says he's going to call me tonight around 6. I told him I would sit by phone :) I don't think he believed me

I'm having

2006-09-13T14:21:00.000-07:00

a sucktacular day.

First I had to take twenchettes car to get an inspection sticker. That's an hour of my life I'll nevah get back. After waiting for an hour, the car failed because it needs new tires. I hate that she is now at her Dad's to rectify the tire situation. I hate that I am a fucking losah mothah who doesn't have an extra $400 to help my kid out. I hate it. I hate it. I hate it.

Today is also the 1 year anniversay of my MIL's death. She now has Mums planted at her grave. I miss her. Her son, not so much, her most definately.

Then I come home to a letter from my mortgage co telling me that I have defaulted on my loan and I have two weeks to pay the total amount past due or they'll foreclose. My heart was in my fucking chest.

I call the CS line in a panic and say I don't understand this letter because I've been making my payments, per our payment agreement, and I've been KILLING myself to make these payments and now you're going to foreclose anyway!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

The loverly woman said "oh honey, you're fine. Those letters get sent out all the time and you can ignore it. I'm looking at your loan and you're fine. You only 1 1/2 more payments and then you'll be back to normal. Hang in there, you're almost done."

Now, I appreciate that I actually spoke with a live person who was kind, but you know what, I hate them. I hate them with the passion of 1000 burning suns. They need to get their heads out of their asses and stop generating computer letters that totally fucking freak me out.

Let's see...

2006-09-11T14:34:00.000-07:00

what did I do this weekend? Oh yeah, met up with about 33 othah GDT'rs.

First and foremost, thank you to all who donated. And I don't mean just to me, I mean to the team. We did, indeed, come in first place. We would not have done that without the generosity of the fabulous peeps who frequent the GDT. Thank you one and all ladies. You rock my world on a daily basis.

Now on to the important stuff the party. Friday evening was spent in the hotel bar with the people who arrived early. I was in need of several cocktails after my drive from hell in. For those of you who don't know let me explain something to you. I don't like driving, I especially don't like driving in big cities with tunnels and rotary delio's and cars going every which way. I was askeered. Very askeered. I sat in that fucking tunnel for at least a half an hour and the entire time, I was sure one of the ceiling tiles would fall and crush my car with me in it. For those of you not aware, that happened here recently. The woman died. As in dead. As in crushed. I don't make this shit up. Don't even get me started on Boston and the big dig. No. Really. Don't.

Anyhoo, after the tunnel from hell and 3 times around the rotary thing because well, I was too askeered to get off of the rotary, I finally made it to the hotel. I was stinky and a little raspy of voice because I sat in my car for one hour chain smoking and screaming at the othah drivahs. It's what you do when driving in the city. Ok, it's what I do. But I digress.

Friday evening was loverly and relaxing. Some of my favoritist peeps were there. Mamacassie, Grinchie,Mags, SO, Beaner(beaner1 was busy), Rhu, GoAway(sans 101 babies), Dujane(my adopted child), PP, Cheesie, Soxy, I'm sure I'm forgetting one or two I'm sorry but I'm old and I forget shit! Now, all of the above peeps I have had the pleasure of meeting before, and I adore each and everyone. I also got to meet a GDT'r for the first time. DaMeesh. Can I just say I love the stuffing out of her. She's funny, she's adorable, and the girl has 62 hands. Trust me, no matter how you stand or turn, she will grab your boobs. The people who tell you that aren't kidding. Luckily for her, she's just cute enough to get away with it.

Saturday we spent a lazy morning in our room (which is really code for we got no sleep friday night and were trying to rid ourselves of hangovahs). Then a bunch of us headed over to Dicks Last Resort to meet the rest of the crew. There may have been an escalator mishap, or perhaps we just like riding the escalator up and down several times. The jury is still out. MaryM was there and Elkay, Cnlacy,Mzholly, and Xkris(and i don't care who tells you what, my cleavage is bettah than hers) Loyal(who is cute as a button) and Merrytimer and I got to meet a GDT'r I've wanted to meet for a while. MollyInc. It was worth the wait. She's smaht and wickad funny and I look forward to seeing her again.

It was a fabulous afternoon even though our waiter was clearly a woman hating, nascar loving, no class bum . Fortunately our waiter from last year was also there. Kevin. Kevin is just adorbable and no matter what you hear, Kris did not rub his ass. I'm sure she didn't. It's just a horrible rumor. I got to take me beer out of his little waiter apron. Yes, it was dangerously close to some other things under his waiter apron Again, a loverly time was had by all.

Eventually, we all meandered back to the hotel. Most of us via the red line, others via there car. Yes Meesh you were right. We were on the right train. Mea culpa. I hate that fucking city and there stupid little trains. I won't say who, but Mamacassie was held hostage in a vehicle, clearly I'm not the only GDT'r who is geographically challanged. Saturday night we spent in the hotel bar, shocking I know, doing what the women of the GDT do best. Drinking and chatting. The loverly PP treated us all to pizza and Sobie treated us all to her mom's homemade donuts. Who doesn't love donuts!

Race day was fabulous. Not too cold and not too hot. Well we were HOT just not temperature wise. It's an amazing thing to be a part of. Thousands of people all there for one thing. There are a lot of survivors who participate and they all wear pink t-shirts. It's incredible to see all the pink t-shirts amoung the crowd. We can, and are making great strides in beating this disease. I hope I'm able to continue to help for many years to come. Our team set up on the bleachers under, the now infamous, WIDE LOAD banner. It's fitting no? We all signed it and it shall be shipped off to Sabi this week. I hope that it lifts her spirits and lets her know how many invisible people are rooting for her.

My little Panky was unable to join us this year, so my adopted daughter filled her shoes and we walked togethah. I just love that kid :) Although rumor has it that Oxo was given the title of Reader of the Month ovah on her blog so I may have to ground her for a week. Dissing her mothah like that. These kids today!

Thursday stuff

2006-09-07T04:14:00.000-07:00

Good morning ladies. Let's see MzGrinch shall be arriving on my doorstep in about 12 hours. I'm veddy excited. Then tomorrow we shall head to Boston to meet up with the rest of the Team GDT crew. For those of you who are unaware this is the weekend for the Susan B> Komen Race For The Cure in Boston. I KNOW that most of you have donated and I thank you from the bottom of my heart. For those of you who haven't, please follow the link and help us out. We all have breasts, and we need to find a cure for this horrible disease. Muchas Gracias

https://www.kintera.org/faf/donorReg/donorPledge.asp?ievent=162635&lis=1&kntae162635=72BD86786FF24EDA94CF8896C90F19D9&supId=82020722

Is it just me, or do you find that sometimes short work weeks are the longest? It's a strange phenomenon. I'm sure part of it is because I'm so looking forward to the weekend. Still, it's only friggin Thursday, it should be at least Saturday by my calculations.

Let's see, what else, ahhh yes. It seems Walt has found his way to my blog. I'll pause here so you can all gasp, and recall some things I've said, and then gasp again.

So, how did Walt find his way here you ask. Ah, well our Walt is a creative little thing. He was aware of the GDT and knew my screen name ovah there. It came up in a conversation one day about the internet and message boards. Honestly, I nevah gave it a second thought after I told him about it. Anyhoo, it seems he must have been a tad bored ovah the past week and he decided to check out the GDT for himself, and see if I was posting. I was. From my siggie ovah there, and found himself here. Yes, I know, you're all still gasping.

Here's the thing that is pissing me off. First of all, I think going to the GDT, without my knowledge is somewhat stalkerish. My kids tell me the internets are public and I'm wrong. I have locked them in their respective rooms until they smarten up and tell me I'm right. Just ignore the screams, I'll let them out eventually.

Here's the other thing that has me pissed. He's upset, angry yada, yada playing the "you cheated on me" card. Jigga what? I have told this man from day one that I do NOT want to be in a serious relationship. I have told this man from day one that I live my life a half a day at a time. As you recall, I dumped him the first time because he was failing to accept that and becoming needy and clingy. At no time did we have a discussion proclaiming that this was a monogomous relationship. Now, I grant you, I did not volunteer that I was seeing someone else, but that is failure to disclose thru ommission, it was not a lie. He has never asked me if I was seeing other people, if he had, I would have told him.

There have been many conversations where the question was posed "what are you doing tonight?" My response on certain evenings was "going out with a friend" That, was an honest answer. Eh. Whatever. I think I need to go back on a self-imposed dating hiatus. I seem to be choosing men who don't get it, or rather don't get me.

So, if you stop by today, go to the Komen and donate, and then give a little wave to Walt. He's probably here lurking.

Sunday musings.

2006-09-03T06:21:00.000-07:00

I've never considered myself a political person. I don't declare a party, I've always voted based on the individual candidates. I rarely discuss politics with friends or family, I just keep my opinions to myself (well where politics are concerned lord knows I don't keep my othah opinions to myself)

Recently a couple of things have occured that have made me realize that I'm a lot more political than I thought. The first was a discussion amoung a group of friends regarding Gay Marriage. The argument became pretty heated and it suffices to say that some feelings were hurt. While I try to respect everyone's opinion on the matter, at the end of the day, Gay's deserve every right that I have as a straight person.

The second thing that really got me thinking was a conversation I had with Walt on Wednesday evening. I went over there for dinner. He may be a flaming republican, but the man can cook. Anyhoo, we got into a discussion, somehow, about immigration. A smart person would have probably changed the subject, I'm not that smart.

One of the first comments that Walt made was "we need to put all those fucking Mexicans back on a bus and send them back" I'll pause here for all those who need to clutch their chest and gasp.

After I gasped, I calmly explained my feelings to him. Listen, these people live in a country where their own government doesn't care about them. In many instances, they don't even have clean drinking water. Now imagine this, you have little to no money, a family to support, and you're told that life in America is better. But oh by the way, to get there you pretty much have to put some faith in God and risk your life. Guess what, many of them risk their life, and the lives of their children to pile into a semi truck with 200 other countrymen. Now call me crazy, but I'm thinking your life where you currently live must be pretty fucking bad for you to take that risk.

Walt, of course, had a response to this. He claims that if they really wanted to come here, they could apply for a visa and go through the immigration process. Those that don't, those that come over on the trucks, they're the criminals and low lifes and they shouldn't be here. Yeah, he's probably right, I mean I know I'm leary of a 5 year old Mexican little boy. They're fucking scary dudes!

Once again, I tried to calmly explain why many don't choose the legal route. So here they are, and they have x amount of dollars. They can go to immigration and try and get a Visa but oh, by the way, you will need a lawyer, you'll be given reams of paperwork to fill out, most of which you can't even understand, it will take a year, and oh yeah, you might not get in. Or, you can take the few dollars that you have and pay one of the transporters to put you on a truck and you can come over here illegally. What would you choose? Yes, it is a tough call.

Listen, I understand that illegal immigration is a huge problem. I understand that we need to do something to fix the current situation. I do not, however, believe that the solution is to "put all the fucking mexicans on a truck and ship them back". These are people we are talking about. Families. Mothers, fathers children and grandparents. They're not commodities. How is it that we can justify going to war in Iraq under the quise of liberating the people, and then turn our backs on the problems in Mexico? Someone needs to explain it to me, because clearly I'm not getting it.

I have a friend who has often commented "well yes he's cute and all, but good lord he's a Republican, I can't date a Republican" I never really fully understood that comment until just recently. It's crystal clear to me now. I won't be seeing Walt again. I can be compassionate about the DUI. He made a mistake, we all do sometimes. I cannot overlook the comment "we need to put all the fucking mexicans on a truck and ship them back".

It may be late in the game, but I have finally realized that perhaps my views regarding certain issues shouldn't be kept quiet. They are, in fact, a large part of who I am. They represent my value system. To keep them silent, rather than to stir the pot, is keeping a part of me silent. I don't see how a relationship between two people, with such opposing views could possibly work out.

So from now on, I think I need to ask a potential lovah 3 questions on our first date:

1.What's your take on Abortion
2.What should we do about illegal immigration
3.How do you feel about gays getting married

Personally, I think the answers would be very telling and can easily determine if date number 2 will take place.

Be carefull, there are Republicans amoung us.

Anothah Saturday

2006-08-26T11:23:00.000-07:00

So new guy, otherwise known as Richard, but not the WW Richard cuz that would just be scary, called. It was a short conversation since I was on my way to hang out with the lovah, otherwise known as Walt, or recycle guy but don't tell janey cuz she'll kick my ass guy.

I think I can say with utmost certainty that Richard is not relationship guy. Richard is I'll call you when I can and we'll have a ton of fun. I'm actually ok with that, it's not so much that I wanted him to be relationship guy, I just wanted to know. At least that's todays current thinking, lord knows what will run through my mind tomorrow. I'm a freak that way :)

So hanging with Walt was good. I can't tell a lie though, I do feel some guilt regarding that whole deal. I know that he wants me to be relationship girl, and I know that isn't going to happen. Shrug. It is what is. And in my mind he's going to have to decide what he can and can't handle, just like I had to decide with Richard. Jesus, just thinking this on paper makes me realize what a sick and twisted little circle this is becoming. G'ah. Maybe I really am a slut puppy. Shudder

I did have some interesting things run through my head in the past few days. I've maintained for a long time now that I never want to get married again, or live with someone again, or be in a serious committed relationship. The truth is, I'm not ruling it out. And believe me, coming from me, that's a HUGE statement. Now don't get me wrong, neither Richard or Walt are the guy that that's going to happen with. For me, right now at least, that's ok. It's kind of like testing the water with your toe. You don't want to jump in too quickly and shock your body. It's good to start with feet, then go in up to your knees, then your thighs and so on.

I'm testing the waters right now. Going in slowly and when and if the right guy does show up, maybe I'll go in up to my neck

Because Jane asked

2006-08-25T04:56:00.000-07:00

So I called him around 6 last night

D: Hey what are you doing
R: I'm still at work. What are YOU doing
D: Not much, just got my nails done. Selling a lot of cars?
R: Nope, it's been dead again
D: Awwwww
R: Listen, I have like 3 guys here we're cleaning up the place. I'll call you later
D: K, Bye

So, I go to the local bar/hangout and meet up with a couple of friends. Around 8 o'clock Richard came in and sat down and bought me a drink. Said, just got out of work and I'm beat, I'm going to grab some dinner. Are you hungry? I had eaten and told him so. We talked just in general while he ate. Then he proclaimed how tired he was and left saying "I'll call you tomorrow kiddo".

I'm not holding my breath waiting for a phone call today.

I.Hate.Dating

No one let Janey

2006-08-24T06:18:00.000-07:00

read this. It involves the possible recycling of men

So, I went out to dinner with Walt (the lovah) last night. I know. I know. I know. But I did it anyway. Truthfully I did it in part to take my mind off the other guy who I've not heard from since last Sunday. Not that I'm counting days or anything. Really. I'm. Not.

Anyhoo, so after an E-mail and some IM's I agreed to go to dinner with Walt. I'll spare you the food porn, it suffices to say it was good. Very good. Mmmmmmmmm garlic. So we go to dinner, and then we went back to his house to watch TV for a bit. Get your minds outa the gutter, we really did watch tv.

So this is what I'm thinking, I need a way to take both of these men, and combine them into one perfect man. The lovah is the touchy-feely-gentle type. You know what I mean, the kind that rests his hand on your leg. The type that runs his fingers through your hair and kisses the top of your head. The new guy is not. Don't get me wrong, he's a talented kind of guy, but only in certain situations. (this is where your minds should be in the gutter) He's not the touchy feely type. All that being said, new guy is the one that makes my heart skip a beat. New guy is the one that brings a huge smile to my face when I see him. The lovah, not so much.

So my thinking is, if I could combine these two into one man, I'd have perfection. Yes, I realize that's not possible but a girl can dream can't she?

Now it's entirely possible that all of this is a mute point since I've not heard from new guy since Sunday. Did I mention that already. Not a peep since Sunday. You heard that right. SUNDAY. It's now Thursday morning. I'm a sad little panda. I'm totally torn as to what to do in this situation. I could call him, but that just seems stalkerish to me. Or is calling him being an adult? I mean, if I'm sitting here and wondering what the fuck, as an adult, wouldn't I just call and say hey what's up?

What to do. What to do.

For all those keeping score (and I KNOW some of you are) I did not do the drive of shame home from the lovah's. I left at 11 after a kiss goodnight :)