Day 8

I left work yesterday at around 6ish. I KNEW, in my gut, that somewhere around 6:30ish Dino would be showing up at my house with a disk for my computer. I knew. I was right. He had the disk for my computer and some brake fluid for twenchettes car. He moved it the other day and said the brakes were low and needed fluid.

He came in and said "i have a 1/2 hour before I have to pick Nick up and I wanted to make sure you had this, can I have a quick beer with you? I think I mumbled uh huh. I was just starting to install the new harddrive and we really didn't talk about anything beyond that. He knew I was not in a good place, and unless he's a complete idiot, which yanno, is possible, he knew it was because of him. I think at some point he asked if my day got bad after we talked on the phone, I just looked at him and said "my day has pretty much sucked from the beginning." He had to leave to go pick up his son, so he leaned ovah and gave me a kiss on the cheek and I couldn't even look him in the eye. I think on the way out he said something about maybe you can call tech support and I mumbled "i'll figure it out". He just looked at me and said "I know you will Deanna".

Out the door he went.

He called a couple of hours later and said I was just sitting here thinking about it and you need to try a, b and c. I said, yeah, I just thought of that and was getting ready too. I said something about just being frustrated and how I have been dealing with this computer for a week and I'm sick of it. His response, "I know. I knew as soon as I saw you tonight that you're tired, and you're frustrated and with everything else going on, I can understand it's been a long week" I think we just said good night at that point.

I did what we had talked about and the computer seemed to be working. I called his cell and said "Ok, you were right, I used that disk and it seems to be formatting the new hard drive" "Good, I'm glad, it'll probably take about an hour, I'm right sometimes". I said "you're right a lot of the time". Goodnight

Ok, couple of things that are whirling in my head right now. First of all, I knew in my gut that he would show up with disk in hand. Perhaps I DO know my gut. Perhaps I AM reading things correctly. At least I know I read that one correctly. I mean, what the fuck. Dude, I'm under the impression you broke up with me, stop being my friend, stop fucking taking care of me. It would be easy to say well, he's still worried about me, still taking care of me, there's hope. But here's the thing. Oh c'mon, you knew there would be a thing, there's always a thing.

He takes care of everyone. It's who he is. He still takes care of his ex-wife. If her car dies, it's Dino she calls and it's Dino who takes care of it. If something needs fixing at her house, it's Dino who takes care of it. He takes care of friends, family, co-workers. It's who he is. Jesus, have we forgotten the night he was at Karen's trying to fix her hot water heater.

I'm torn now. Is he keeping his options open, keeping the door of this relationship open, or is it something different?

Is it possible that the man just doesn't know how to break up?

I can understand the ex wife thing. They were together for 17 years, they have children together. And he does do things for her, but he also bitches to high heaven about her. The Karen thing I still haven't figured out. But I think I'm getting a clue.

He doesn't know how to break up. He still wants to be a friend, to help with things, to maintain a relationship albeit a different one. Karen takes the little things, the being helpful, the fixing things as a sign that he really loves her and will be back. Yeah, read that last sentence again.

Is it possible that I'm becoming Karen sans the stalkerish behavior? The mere thought of that makes me sick to my stomach.

I don't know. Honestly, I'm tired of having to say that. I'm tired of not knowing. I'm tired of second guessing myself. I'm tired of the million and 2 things that swirl in my brain on a daily basis. I'm just plain fucking tired.

My computer is still fucked up. Actually, now BOTH of my computers are fucked up. It is entirely possible I won't have a computer at home this weekend. Because, yanno, my life doesn't suck enough right now, I need to deal with THAT too.

I'm at Cumby's all weekend and my back has been acting up all week. I can only imagine how it's going to feel after 2 9 hours days on my feet. On my feet in god knows what fucking shoes because my sneakers are at Dino's. Yeah. Nice.

I could sit here and type, and put the thoughts in my head down on paper all day. Sadly, I don't have time. I have to go back to the world of w'2's and taxes, and 62 other things that clients want/need right now. I have to put on my happy face and work and get through the day.

Again.